Happy Thanksgiving to all of my sisters (and brothers) here at BCTS. I pray that you all have many things to be thankful for. I know I do.

I have a loving wife of 48 years who, though she sometimes struggles with it, accepts me as I am. I have two daughters who know and still love me. I have two grandchildren who delight me. I have a job that meets my needs and I have no long term debt.

Life is good and God has surely blessed me.

Well, its TG day of remembrance today.

So if you cant go to a service, take a moment and think about those we have lost this year. The murdered, and those who took their own life because they saw no hope.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of us today.

OK, no drama here, no one gets excited. OK?

Probably like many of you, the events of the last couple weeks have made sadness seem ... common? With my Middle Eastern background, it feels impossible to hate. It is painful to be unable to resolve this. Yes, I know, life's a bitch and then you die, right?

Like most of us, there will be no partner to share the remainder of my life, and the doctor recently told me that I am likely to live another 32 years. What the hell? I so wanted to be a wife.

I got a phone call from one of the ladies at my church yesterday.

I've missed the last couple of weeks, and since the last time she saw me I was in a lot of pain and struggling with flashbacks, she was very worried about me.

So I made her a promise, that should I start to feel like harming myself, I would call her first.

Back in July like thousands of others I attended the Great Yorkshire Show. On this day my knee decided to play up and gave way. I was propelled forward landing on my left shoulder. When I got home I took some pain killers. Several weeks later as I was still in considerable pain in my left shoulder and could barely lift my left arm I went to the doctors.

Perhaps a few of you are following the latest bit of news with some measure of glee. So, we've had numerous SCOTUS rulings on SSM confirming the right to marry. I just wish to hell that religions would stay the damn hell out of consensual couplings.

Normally I don't cross post between here and Facebook, but I thought this warranted an exception

Since yesterday I talked about something I liked about me, I'd like to continue the trend.

One thing I like about me is my imagination.

Now, for most of my life, it was hard, having as active an imagination as I do, but now that I have (mostly) channeled that into stories - stories that people have read and liked - I am grateful for the gift.

One thing about me I'm happy with is the fact that I refuse to live in a bubble.

I have friends who have different viewpoints on religion, politics, and just about everything else. I read and listen to news sources from both the left and the right.

I think its a healthy thing, to be able to consider different views on things. Sometimes, I've even changed my mind or at least thought "that was a good point".

I'm not saying this to brag. Anybody can do this, if they want to.

Eleven years ago, Jeannie died on the day before Halloween, the holiday she loved for its morbid humor.

Last year at this time, I got out of town and went to New Jersey to be with other friends and try not to notice the loneliness.

This year, I knew I would be alone. I've been depressed since I got back from New Jersey in June, having decided then that I would not run away again.

I have been very ineffective in getting things done the last few months. This afternoon, I re-read my blogs and poems from that awful time and I cried. I cried again for Jeannie.

Every once in a while, the things I want to talk about in this blog are hard for me to actually get out.

Sometimes, its because they are from a dark place, sometimes, they are embarrassing, and sometimes, I just dont feel like I have the words.

Today's blog is a little of all of the above, but let me try anyway.

I was laying on my couch, watching tv, when a commercial for a product to help men get an erection came on. It was one of those where an older couple is doing stuff together, then they begin to PDA, and the announcer tells how good the med is.

Well, tomorrow I get a physical and I am super anxious about it. Last year after my exam I came home shaking and crying, and I am already pretty shaky as it is.

If you could spare a prayer or a hug or both, that would be nice ...

Had a pretty rough day yesterday. Had a nightmare, then got so sick to my stomach I threw up. Been fighting anxiety, PTSD, and I am having trouble sleeping.

As a result, it may be a while before I can get back to Mercy.

Sorry.

So, sitting here watching "Back To The Future". It's late at night and looking at my account it'll be 9 years soon. I was one of those poor bastards that had PTSD and a dozen other things so bad that the Docs would later say they doubted I would live. 7 hospitalizations later, I finally started to get better, but I won't say how except to mention that shrinks and medications were a waste of time for me. It took something else.

So, I have sort of lowered my shields a bit in public and public media and am pleasantly surprised to find out that many of the "Muggles" I know have TG and GBLT friends and seem to be on friendly terms.

Perhaps the world is getting better for T and Intersex folk? My references to it in public media are and shall remain very oblique. I do hope that does not upset too many of you. I never told you that I was a brave activist and nothing I ever learned in life taught me to be foolishly brave.

Perhaps the days of pain and rejection are becoming fewer? One can only hope so.

If you are wondering about my story Mercy, you can relax in the knowledge that I am working on Part 2 right now. When its done, I wouldnt mind having someone who knows Whately better than I do take a peak to make sure I havent made any really major errors, even if the story is fan fiction.

So if someone like that is interested in being an editor, give me a PM.

I was sitting at a bench in Portland State University, waiting for Psych 204 to start. I am auditing it to help a blind friend get there and to study. I think I already hate the class.

In walked this very pretty 18 year old. No matter what clues I looked for I could not tell is he was a she or she was a he. Black hair with ponytail, T shirt with some symbol on it, Jeans, and runner shoes. Clear skin, small chin, upturned nose, no forehead boss, no visible beard shadow, no make up. I forgot to look for ear rings. Possible breasts but hidden by a light jacket.

Well, it was an interesting night last night.

First, I started the night with a big I hate my boy bits moment, but before things could go too bad, my boss made a point of encouraging me and telling me I am awesome.

This proves a point I've made before - even a small act of kindness can make a huge difference for the person receiving it.

Second, I got some good news on the therapy front. I was contacted by a therapist, and he recommended I go to the Leduc hospital, as they apparently have a mental health unit that does free counseling.

Well, I just got back from having my hip scanned, and honestly, I am a little shaky.

First, there was the whole issue of being nude from the waist down, with only a towel between my legs to keep my privates ... private.

Which created all kinds of I hate my bits to bits feelings ...

Then the lady was poking me with this wand and she wasnt gentle with it ...

I managed to keep breathing during the procedure, but I started crying on my way home ...

Ah, well.

So today i wore an old 1960's era USAF rain jacket to school... And promptly had the police on me telling me to never wear the jacket to school again... The jacket is just a elongated raincoat that is a dark blue. I was told that "it looked scary and it looked like i was 'military' and that offended people." Which is BS because it isn't like it is a jacket with high capacity pockets and weapons holsters... Its a damn raincoat/wind breaker!

Thanks "the news" for making large coats into a sign that you are going to kill people.

Well, I went to the hospital today, but I didnt get a full visit with my doctor, but I was able to get an appointment with him for tomorrow morning. He said very likely they will increase the dosage on my anti depressants, in the hope that will also help with my PTSD attacks.

The "first step" was actually the zero-th step. :-(

My wife and I were on vacation last week on the Oregon Coast. I love her dearly. She struggles to accept and understand her feminine husband. It is with great effort that she lets herself be seen with me when I'm not masquerading as an average male.

not a good night last night.

Had a really bad PTSD attack, and at the end of the night I was in a lot of pain.

Then I found out I didnt get the job I applied for.

sighs ...