Those of you who bother to read my blog on a semi regular basis, are aware that I don't wear men's clothes at all, except at work. That doesn't mean that I don't present a masculine image on occasion, such as church and family events. (Not all my family is aware of my trans nature.)

So I'm at the DMV giving my liscense another shot. Hopefully i get it this time. I'm REALLY nervous. Bht om a high note I've started on my next story and I think I'm going to continue "the hand we're dealt" j stopped writing it because I couldent figure out where to go next but I think I have a good direction now.

In a really bad place emotionally and spiritually.

Prayers and good vibes appreciated.

I have talked before about being primed for trauma - how even small things can end up being re-lived as nightmares, so I am happy to report whenever I make any progress on any of these lesser traumas.

The one I am making progress on at the moment is the end of my relationship with Kylie. For months after our breakup, I found myself reliving the last conversation we had over and over again, bruising my heart every time I did so.

Wearing my LBD, corset, appropriate padding and short bob style brunette wig, my biggest eyelashes and light makeup, dark red fingernails and my male mode slippers as my neighbours are complaining when I wear my heels... finishing off a bottle of nice Italian wine. Alone...

My "girlfriend" of the last 3+ years had not even bothered to try to meet me on her birthday several days ago, and last time I've seen her in person was somwhere in July...

Well, this has been an ... eventful move.

Broke my bed, my laundry hamper, had a flat tire, and generally felt useless as I was too weak to help lift very much.

On the other hand, we're here, we're mostly unpacked, and it could be a lot worse.

I was nearly terminated while out on a bike ride today, a car came up to a T-junction which I was cycling across and therefore had right of way, when he just carried on obviously not seeing me despite me wearing an orange, back and white jacket. The only reason I'm able to write this is because I took avoiding action, half expecting it to happen. I'm getting tired of having to think for all the morons driving round in lethal weapons that cars are and I feel the law ought to be changed to reflect the fact that most car-bike collisions are the fault of the driver.

In other words, after weeks of dieting and exercise, I've come to the unsettling realization that I was more passable when I was fat. (Less fat means my features are more angular and hence, less feminine). I essentially lost my best asset when I lost the weight, and earlier today, I suffered the consequences.

It was a good day. I'd been pretty good about trying to eat healthy and and at least cut down on the bad stuff, and the results are beginning to show. The weather was warmer than it's been over the past week, with the promise of it becoming warmer still tomorrow. All in all, nothing to complain about.

That's usually a danger sign. It's like an open invitation to God/Fate/the cosmos to give me their worst. And sure enough, that's exactly what happened.

Early AM on Friday, 28 August 2015, I will have surgery for a mass in my abdomen. As of now the doctors don't know what it is.

shalimar

I haven't been doing any writing, I admit. However, I think I might have the best possible excuse.

Last week, I decided to do the one thing I'd been putting off forever--no, not removing the colony of unidentifiable life forms from my refrigerator, though I need to do that too. In short, I've taken advantage of a special program for low-income people and joined the "Y".

Why the "Y"? (Hee hee). Allow me to elucidate.

A lot of niggling little health issues have kept me away for about 19 months, but, I’ve dodged the major problems that often come with age: Heart, cancer, stroke, and diabetes have so far passed me by… So far.

What I’ve discovered is; Getting older ain't for wimps.
In Feb of 2014 I had all my lower teeth extracted after 4 abscesses that had caused constant sinus infections for 2 years. The dentist: “Gee, I never noticed that before but I don’t think teeth would cause that…” In the last 19months I only had 1 sinus infection.

I just wanted to say "thank you" to all the crazies on the Big Closet chat site who managed to brighten my day by teasing me about how much a "girly-girl" I am until I was laughing so hard I actually felt better.

Thanks, guys.

Well, I've finally found another excuse beside being lazy not to write. My Apple Mac finally gave up and said I've had enough. Poor thing is about six years old and is so slow it takes ten to fifteen minutes to load a site. It's the 21 inch model and I don't need the larger 27 inch version as it won't fit on my desk, well it could but the size doesn't justify spending an extra $700. The one I'm going to buy is bad enough. Not only do I write my stories on it, but I use it for my business as does my wife for hers also.

For personal real life issues, like not being allowed access to my grandchildren, I cannot live full-time as a woman. However, I find relief in going for regular make-overs to a very professional lady on the Gold Coast of Queensland (isn't that an ironic name?) who does a great job of transforming me into a somewhat realistic semblance of a female. I have to say that I love myself after she has performed her magic upon me, even though I can only maintain the illusion for a relatively short time.

As I believe in (among other things) total honesty, I have to say, I love recognition.

No, that's not quite accurate. "Crave it like a drug" would be closer to the truth.

Even so, I find myself at a loss when I'm recognized for all the wrong reasons.

This past Tuesday, I and the fellow residents of the apartment complex in which I live took part in an annual trip that's become sort of our farewell to summer. (As summers in Wisconsin have a kind of "blink and you'll miss it" quality, we get our goodbyes in early).

So, if I have misused the term "Chelsea Tractor" in this blog I am sure that one of the UK citizens will be more than happy to correct me after a sound flogging.

So, I was on my way to Ilwaco, Washington to pilot my brother's boat whilst he caught Salmon, gutted them and packed them away. Perhaps he has finally understood.

So, today I am having a 3 hour, total spine, with contrast MRI. "With contrast", means they will inject material into my spinal fluid. I am having increasing difficulty with coordination and things.

I have obligations to some of you, and I am sorry that I can not meet them right now.

Sorry

Gwen

Got "Ma'am"ed yesterday while out shopping.
And I in no way pass. I wasn't even trying to as such.

I just kind of wear mixed relatively gender neutral clothing.
Although this day happened to be a pink day.

I am seriously considering going to the hospital to get my hip checked out.

It used to just hurt near the end of my shift at work, but I woke this morning in terrible pain and I didn't even work last night.

Had another tough day yesterday. Didn't sleep well, and then my aunt phoned me and yelled at me, saying I was the reason my mom was gonna be homeless, that she's bankrupt because of helping me and my ex, and so on.

Sighs ...

As you are all aware I have been snotty and snippy about discussing transgender issues in public, feeling that it is private full stop.

It feels like that in recent weeks I have been dragged kicking and screaming into very reluctant activism that feels frightening to me. Some of you will remember my recent blog on two Bible scriptures, and now somehow that is now plastered all over Facebook and elsewhere. I have opened my Facebook up to the public, and how long that will last is debateable. You are welcome to contribute.

Got some super bad news today. My landlord must sell this place, which means we'll be moving soon. Thanks to that bit of news, I also didnt get sleep today, so tonight at work is gonna suck.

Ah, well.

So after seeing the "Member for" indicator stuck on 5 years 12 months for the past few weeks, it's finally ticked over to 6 years 22 hours.