This is the first piece of original writing I've felt able to do since putting up "The Bridge." If you haven't read it this piece will make more sense if you stop now and do so.
This article may be sprawling, it may be rambling, or it may be short and rambling. I expect rambling, regardless of the size. There won't be any pretty pictures for this unless someone comes along and adds one. I don't think I can find a graphic that demonstrates how I feel now or how I felt when I wrote that story that won't trivialiase or make trite my feelings.
You see, The Bridge was my suicide note. Let me explain that a bit more: it was, in almost all ways save for the actual suicide attempt, autobiographical. I'm Heather. I'm a nurse and I'm sick. The fatigue and constant pain I allude to are real. I live with them every day and they have crippled me.
Perhaps crippled is too strong a word. I still get up and go to work a few days a week. Right now I'm missing more than I'm making. I have burnt through my leave so I will, unless my symptoms improve, be working without pay in about 24 more hours of illness. Working without pay means I can't pay my rent or car payment. I can't pay for my meds or groceries. Electro and transition will cease. Transition comes to a screeching halt.
The illnesses have crippled me in other ways. I love to write and have since I was a child. I'm a fiction writer who went into journalism when I took over as Editor and News Admin at Susan's Place and I've enjoyed it. It's been a different experience, to be sure, and had a learning curve but I also love to learn so I took to the new position with joy at a challenge. Then I got sick.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia affect the body, mind, and spirit. I've always suffered from depression as I think most transgender people have but the diseases make it worse. They make my body hurt almost constantly and for those of you who don't know, chronic pain sucks. It affects everything. Moving hurts, sitting still hurts, clothing against my skin hurts, I get angry, I get depressed but pain is manageable. I'm a proponent of better living through chemicals and don't mind taking legal drugs when I hurt.
For me, the worst part is how the diseases affect me mentally. Fibromyalgia causes what has been dubbed, rather innocuously in my opinion, "Fibro Fog" which is, simply put, difficulty concentrating. I truly feel like I'm thinking through a fog at times.
The mental effects of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are, for me, far more profound. CFS causes its own fog that has robbed me of not only my love for writing but my ability to do so. Cognitive symptoms are mainly deficits in attention, memory, and reaction time. The deficits are in the range of 0.5 to 1.0 standard deviations below expected and affect my day-to-day activities. Simple and complex information processing speed and functions entailing working memory over long time periods are moderately to extensively impaired. Going back to school to further my nursing career? Not happening. I'm not mentally or physically capable.
How does that affect me? In everything that requires concentration: writing, studying, working, talking. I find myself searching for words that used to come to me in a flash. I've been the walking dictionary and encyclopedia for my friends and family since I was a child. Now my train of thought derails when I write, when I hold long conversations. Writing this, whilst I feel it necessary, will exhaust me. It already has and I'm at just over 600 words.
I could write thousands of words a day without breaking a sweat before I got sick.
Chronic Fatigue has robbed me not only of my love for writing but my ability. I'm fighting through the fog to get this down but this, like The Bridge, needed to get out. And this brings me back to The Bridge.
The Bridge, as I said before, was my suicide note. My illness and Gender Dysphoria have combined to put me in the darkest place I've ever been in my life. I've done everything save actually go to The Bridge. The plan? That's mine. I know how to kill myself courtesy of being a nurse and if I ever get serious about doing it, it will happen. There won't be a near-miss. There will be one go and it will be over and in the few seconds I have before darkness takes me there will be a heartfelt "Fuck You!" to any deity that may exist. Fuck you for Gender Dysphoria, fuck you for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia, and fuck you for chipping my life away, one little piece at a time.
Here comes the rambling part because I'm going to change the topic here before I finish this. I'm wearing down more and more as I fight through the fog (and getting a headache) and will wrap this up shortly.
I've had real issues since my birthday in August. I turned 45. 45! How the hell did that happen? Where did the time go? I started transition at 44 and there are some things I will never be able to change, no matter how many hormones I take or how many surgeries I have. My hands will stay large and veiny. My feet are big. My rib cage is broad. I'm skinny which is a nice thing but my proportions will be off. So this is directed to the young kids and adults who may read this: if you know, without a doubt, without a shadow of doubt, that you are transgender: do something about it. Tell your parents, talk to a therapist but don't waste time. It's never too late to transition but it is too late for me to not regret not doing it earlier. This bit from The Bridge is how I feel every day:
"I could sing, a legacy from my father who had made a living off of his wonderful voice but I had quit voice lessons. I could draw and paint but I quit art classes. So many things I had started and then quit when depression robbed me of one pleasure after another."
So many things I started but never finished. So many joys taken from me.
One day I may make that trip to The Bridge but not yet. Right now I fight as much as I can. I fight for reasons not to make that final drive. I hold out hope that my PCP and I will find something that helps my symptoms and I can go back to work, go back to school, write again without it exhausting me as this has, draw again, sing again.
Laugh again.
Comments
Transition!
A point well made in your extremely difficult situation Heather. I agree that once someone has recognised that they are transgender it is important for them to transition as soon as possible.
Rhona McCloud
As a nurse you tried ?
Heather, the constant pain from fibromyalgia, is exactly as you described, including memory loss, inability to function. The medical prescriptions for treatment and yes cures is a gamble. Seems as if the medical community hasn't really figured out what causes it and even less of an idea how to cure it. "IF" you were within driving distance we would work on this together. However you "must" start somewhere even if it is on your own. Please I beg you to have a friend work through this with you.
So others may find their own treatments and cures, I'm not going to direct message you but leave it as an open post. First let's get the legals out of the way.
I am NOT a doctor nor am I suggesting in any way I have a medical degree or knowledge of medical science. Anything I post about cures and treatment is nothing more than fiction. Dear FDA are you satisfied with the disclaimer?
Fibromyalgia is a micro organism parasite. Labs don't find it, doctors don't understand it. They don't have any idea what to look for nor how to look for what they don't know. Basically it invades every cell of the host and trips the immune response. The body begins to try and kill what it can't reach because like many parasites it has its own defense mechanism. I don't remember their names but a husband-wife research team found the little beggar. Seems as if this unique parasite has a cloaking device too. Once blood or tissue samples are taken from the victim it begins to demass into part of the cell fluids. Within an hour of sample with drawn it is no longer there. The researchers published their findings and when no other labs could duplicate the findings it was shuffled off to the "didn't happen" dust bin. Either the labs weren't quick enough in looking or they didn't want to find it. A cloaking parasite indeedie? Beam me up Scotty!
You can do your own research on the net looking for homeopathic cures and treatment. I'm going to give you a heads up and wish to God I was there showing you instead.
Let's start with the things you might be able to take without me holding your hand. Pick it up at the health food store if you can.
Colloidal Silver despite all the negative things you will read about people turning white or silver, it is not going to happen unless you are one in a million who overdosed on it. Correct dosage is a tablespoon or one eyedropper per day. It isn't toxic and it won't kill you no matter how much you take.
MMS (Miracle Mineral Solution) you can make it, you can buy it. Do NOT take it with orange juice, lemon juice or citric acids or fruits. They neutralize the MMS. How much? One drop a day, two next day, work up to ten drops in ten days unless your world becomes unstable. Nauseous, etc. if that happens back off, start over with one drop. Again, it won't kill you no matter how much you take but it can rock your world if your body chemistry can't handle it.
DMSO (Dimethyl sulfoxide) Now we get to the really controversial stuff. This is going to take a leap of faith when you haven't seen someone else take it. Yes I have and still do. FDA might really come after me for this one as they persecuted enough people for selling it and describing it. Pick up the book "DMSO The Persecuted Drug" if you can find it. It is out of print but still available in you do diligent search.
Leap of faith hon. One teaspoon in a juice size glass of orange juice. You can do this once a day. I've taken it as many times as four times a day. Despite the fear mongering it is less toxic than aspirin. There have been NO confirmed deaths from DMSO although FDA has claimed such because it was either in the home or someone said they saw such and such purchase it. I use it to cure colds, flu, aches and pains, stomach upset, scorpion stings, brown recluse spider bites, bee and wasp stings, burns, symptoms of arthritis...etc. Some internal and a whole lot external. It is my first responder, first aid in a jar. And oh yes, when I ran that chainsaw across my leg? I don't have a scar but I do have have a line of nice soft skin where hair doesn't grow.
Do your research, get well, not only well but cured.
Once more because FDA likes to prosecute people like me. I am no way suggesting treatment, cure or advocating I am anyway a medical practitioner. I claim no medical knowledge nor suggest anyone can be treated with any of the things I might have wrote.
I pray you are talking to a suicide prevention counselor. If you aren't I want you to message me. We will work something out.
All my love hon,
Life is meant to be lived, not worn until it is worn out. Our bodies are an unbelievable complex design, a gift from God. Sometimes they need a little help. I promise with all my heart and soul, He gave us everything we need to make it work. Too often our intelligence gets in the way as we think modern medicine has all the answers.
"You can't seriously take all that stuff?"
"My body assimilates what it needs and dumps the rest."
"That's expensive pee."
"Have you been to a doctor or checked into the hospital lately? My vitamins and minerals are a bargain."
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Found the reasearch husband wife team
Heather, do your research on your disease and cure yourself. Talk it over with your PCP
Garth Nicholson and his wife Nancy, both respected microbiologists, discovered a bacterium, a so-called “mycoplasma” Aggressive treatment with antibiotics, particularly doxicycline, was helpful in some cases.
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Bacterium....
Garth Nicholson? How old is this research BarbieLee?