Okay, this is gonna be a bit tough, but I think I need to share this.
I figured out why I've been struggling so much with the PTSD the last while.
As always happens, there were a bunch of factors that contributed to it.
First, I was fighting a bit of a cold, and there's nothing like being under the weather to weaken the defences psychologically.
2nd, I had a depressive episode, which also weakened my defences.
3rd, I happened to read about a sexual assault in the news that really hit me hard.
and 4th, and most embarrassingly, I've been fighting with my body over it deciding to be ... er ... lonely. Can I call it lonely? Sighs ... okay, I was really wanting ... company ... okay?
And that last one is the one that makes this hard. Of all the things that could happen to me by transitioning, I simply never expected that I would find myself wishing for a companion of any kind, much less a male one.
I have very little to offer any companion at the moment, even if I had the social skills to look, even if I didn't have the PTSD which makes letting someone touch me difficult.
Ah, well. Life's never easy, is it?
Comments
Big Hugs
Hop you find what you're looking for.
Leaving all the grey behind and step into the shining sun.
Big Sweet Huggles tmf
yup, it is a shocker.
finding that your ... interests ... have begun changing is always a shock to your sense of identity. It hit me hard last summer when my interest started changing because of the hormonal changes.
what helped me in getting my head wrapped around it was asking myself if it is a change in orientation, or same orientation, just focus altered because of the changes to the body chemistry. It seems to me that it is the latter.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
One step at a time.
You have problems. But, you can work through them. You need to see a medical professional. There are physical therapy sessions designed around allowing a person that has problems with people touching them in a positive way, adjust to where they can tolerate being touched in good ways, and in some cases enjoy it. It just takes time.
I have found that one's personality is a very important part of one relationship with another person. But, there is one question I have found that many people don't ask themselves. That being what flaws that person can overlook and tolerate in a prospective partner?
This is not a yes, no, question. But, just a question to offer reflection.
Also, I have found that the more important social skill to have is patience. Without it, you cannot have a relationship. Because, it take time to work on relationships.
And I believe you have patience.
So, don't give up on yourself just, yet. Just see if you can find a way to overcome your problems, one at a time.
Survivor
I have never had PTSD, simply because mentally I don't let things bother me to that point. I would never doubt or deny that it can be so but I was fortunate to survive horrible abuse (mental and physical), abandonment and loss of a parent. All this starting at age 3. I don't say this makes me a better person but I truly believe God allowed me to survive this for some purpose without all the baggage that is created by PTSD.
This being said, my fiancee is very fragile mentally and has several issues of PTSD, the last being a case of incarceration by the US Border patrol in solitary confinement in El Paso Texas. See, she is intersexed and they wanted to put her in the male ward, she's 5 foot 6 inches and has DDD breasts with not an ounce of male except for the appendage nature threw in as a sick joke, and she freaked out. She has been near raped on several occasions and was molested as a child. For this I am glad that I'm a survivor. I can be there for her and support her when she has her fainting goat spells.
In this I can understand what you are going through. I send my prayers and wish I could be there near you to help you with your trials. May peace find you and settle in as a close friend.
Dahlia