Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

November 1-7, 2015

November 1, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

I was confused. It seemed like my life hit rock bottom. It did not help that I woke up hearing the voices once again. I went to the choir as I have usually done. Some of the boys my age voices were changing. Mine seemed to be more high pitched than it ever was. It made the other boys more jealous that I got the solos.

Father Immer most have noticed that I was sad, as he smiled and told me to cheer up after mass when I was changing. All I could do was to ask him where God was. Father Immer looked at me and said that God is doing his best to help, even though it seems that he is not.

At home, I did not speak with Dad. He was so ashamed of me. I felt like he no longer cared. All I knew was that I was not going to have him decide my friends. I was not going to let him decide who I was. I did not want to be like my dad who lacked respect and tolerance.

November 2, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

School again and it was hell. Everyone was calling me a sissy and other names. Everyone thought that I was gay and Annie was once again ignoring me.

At lunch, Noah punched me for nothing. I fell to the ground in pain and agony. As I was on the ground, I looked around. Annie just stood there looking while Andrew came and helped me.

The love I had for Annie was shattered.

Something strange happened at dinner. I was lifting a glass of water when suddenly it was like I lost my coordination and the glass fell to the table. Mom helped me clean up. I was so embarrassed.

November 3, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

After yesterday, I did not want to go to school. I told mom that I was sick. She told me that I did not have a fever and wanted to know what symptoms I had. I could not answer. Mom gave me a hug and told me that she understood.

It was just mom and me all day. She asked me if I was well enough to bake some cupcakes. So we spent a lot of time doing that. Nothing was said about how bad my life was now. We just worked on the cupcakes. I even began to smile as I forgot all the problems I had. In the end, mom said thank you for helping. Mom said that She always bakes when her brain is confused or when she is tired of life.

I was hiding in my room again when Dad came home. I felt like that he and I should have a conversation to patch things up. However should he not be the one to take the first step? He was the adult and he was supposed to be responsible.

Sarah came in with two princess dresses. She told me lets play princess. So I put the princess dress on and we had a pretend tea party. I asked Sarah if she was ever teased at school. This made Sarah act like an adult and say when mom always brushed her hair when they had a serious talk.

“I don't get teased at school, but I know you do,” she said as she sat like a shrink would, “Sometimes I see it. It hurts me a lot. Some of my friends ask me if you are a sissy or even gay. This hurts me and I nearly cry. They don't see you the way I do. They ask how I can be in the same family?”

I felt so sorry that Sarah had to suffer in a way. She continued telling me that she once said that she wanted me as a sister. That was because I was fun and played with the things she wanted. Now Sarah had a new wish. She knew I would spend time with her no matter if I was a boy or girl. She wished that others would see me the way she has seen me. My eyes watered up when she said that it doesn't make a difference if a person wears a dress or not. It makes a difference in how nice a person was. Sarah may be the youngest in the family, but in a way, she was the wisest

Dad came into my room and saw Sarah and me both wearing princess clothes. He did not say a word. He just stood there staring at me. Then he quietly told Sarah that it was time to eat. He did not say a word to me.

November 4, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today I stayed home and was sick again. I think I am in a depression or something like that. Billy peaked in my door and asked was I finished feeling sorry for myself. He could not understand why I could not see that Dad wanted me to be normal and not some misfit. What did Billy know?

During the day, I got bored and went downstairs. Mom was on the sofa reading one of her books. She told me that I could sit next to her. Nothing was said as she brushed my hair. After she was done, I leaned against her. She told me that I could not hide all my life and I should start school tomorrow. I nodded my head even though I would rather stay here for life.

“I know you have a hard time now,” she said, “ I know you are a boy but enjoys looking like a girl. Your dad does not understand this or most of the school. You are lucky that you have friends. I want you to know that I accept you if it makes you happy. I do not know how we can convince Dad to do the same. Some people just do not understand and are very conservative.”

When Dad did come home, he had to speak with me. I thought that he suddenly understand me. However, he did not. The only thing that he said was that it was not a nice scene he had the day before. He could not describe his thoughts on once again seeing his son in a dress! Dad shouted that he did not like it and would not accept it. He told me that he would end this drama now. I would get my hair cut on Monday. Dad warned that it would be short and boyish.

I started crying and told Dad how much I hated him. Then I ran up to my room.

November 5, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Mom wanted me to go to school. I was in no mood to be teased again, so I just went to the park and sat on a bench. I watched everyone walk by. I wondered where all the people were going? I wondered what problems they had. How strict were their parents? What did they do to survive? I even looked at all the girls wondering if they were really boys.

I felt so alone.

An old woman sat next to me and tried to cheer me to cheer up. She tried to say I was too young to be burdened with problems. I looked at her and figured what she would know. She was an old woman with small round glasses. She was a bit plump. She looked like Mrs Santa. She even had rosy cheeks.

She looked down at me and said look at the trees, the flowers and the birds. They do not spend their life in tears and worry. They trust that God will take care of them and they show the beauty of Gods creation.

I asked what that meant, and she just said that it does not make a difference if I am transgender or not. God loves me for who I am. She held my hand and said that the important thing in life was being a friend of God, treating others well and being happy.

She was right. I knew what I had to do!

November 6, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I met Bella and Andrew at the hiding place and told them that things at home. I told them that things were the same and I felt like I was being discriminated against at home. Andrew mentioned that it was hard being a teen. He feared what his parents would do if he said he was gay.

I told them that I would be running away. I would go to the big city. Bella got very worried and upset and asked how would I survive. I shrugged my shoulder and said that I did not think about that. I could do some work for people or something like that. This made Bella the speech that it was stupid of me to run away. I did not even have some plans. She reminded me that it would devastate my mom.

I got frustrated and mad and told Bella that she was lucky as her grandmother accepted that she is transgender. There was quietness as Bella whispered that she was transgendered. I told her not to lie. This made Andrew plead that we don't get in a fight.

“I am not transgender,” Bella said, “I am sorry I never told you, it's just hard for me to talk about. I am intersex or as some call it hermaphrodite. I have both male and female organs. Do not think that you are the only one that has problems about who you are? This is a common problem with us three. We all really do not know who we are. Running away is not the answer.

I did not know what to say. Intersex? Both sex? There was quietness and I said I would have to go home and pack.

Despite I was confused about Bella, I went to Sarah's bedroom and told her that I would be leaving because I could not stand it anymore. After a lot of crying, Sarah asked who would be her brother as Billy never has time for her. I tried to console her that I would come and get her when I settled in. We could live alone and always be happy. Then I used an hour trying to tell Sarah not to tell anyone.

I sent Bella a text message that I did not think of her as intersex. She was my friend and that is what mattered.

November 7, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

I woke up early and noticed that I wet the bed. I figured that it was just the excitement and the fears I had about running away, then I slowly crept to the front door, until I heard a voice say “Wait”

It was Sarah. She had her hands full of clothes. She told me there were dresses, shorts, tights and T-shirts. She promised that they would fit me. I put them in my bag and gave Sarah a hug. She told me not to forget to come to her.

Tears were running down my cheek. I would miss Sarah. However, this was something I had to do. As I walked down the empty street, I could still see the stars. Normally I would still be asleep. I really was afraid and part of me told me to turn around. This was until I saw Bella.

I told Bella that I have made up my mind. There was no way I was going home. Bella smiled and showed me her small bag and told me that she also wants to get away from the people that teased her and her grandmother. She was running away with me.

We walked out of town and went on small roads, not knowing where we would end.

To be continued

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