Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 6-12, 2016

March 6, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

It was hard to believe that mom was dead. It was as if there was a big empty hole in my life. There was no peace in our house. Granny suddenly showed up, so both she and Aunty were now staying with us. Billy moved home until the funeral. There were people constantly visiting us and paying their condolences. Dad said nothing and just sat in his chair looking at nothing. As for me, I spent much of my time in Sarah’s room. We cried a lot and were in a state of shock. We could not believe that this was happening to us.

Dad did not want to go to Church today. I think he is mad at God. I can understand this as it seems very unfair for God to let our mother die. We need her in our lives! When Dad told me that he did not want to go to church, I told him that I felt the same. The choir could do without me today. It was not as if I felt welcome at the choir anymore. Remember that Father Immer told me that they no longer wanted me? Some were afraid that I would corrupt them and they suddenly would be sissies.

Bella, Andrew and Annie visited me in the afternoon. I did not say much. In a way, I wanted to be alone. I just listened to them as they were talking. Bella was telling me that she felt bad that she had to go back to her school. She felt that she should be here and support me as good as she could. Annie replied and said that I still had her and Andrew. This confused me as Annie often made things worse for me. It also confused me that Annie and Bella were being so nice to each other.

Aunty told us that she thought we should wait to go back to school until the funeral. Granny got upset at this and told us that we would be going to school as she thought that it was best for us. Granny asked Aunty why we should stay at home and just feel sorry for ourselves. I did not say anything. I wondered what right Granny had to decide over us. We had never seen her before and mom never wanted her in our lives. Why was she here?

March 7, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I now wore diapers all the time. Since mom died, I did not care if I did. I knew it was a way of me wishing that I was a toddler again and I did not have to deal with death and growing up. Sarah asked me if I was not afraid people would notice the diapers or the eyeshadow and mascara that I wore. I told her that the others at school never had anything good to say about me, why would that change?

Some teachers did notice the makeup at school and asked why I wore it. Annie tried to help me by explaining that I was a drag kid and was working on a show. The teacher was shocked and thought it was so wrong. She thought that I was too young to be a drag queen. I explained that I was not a drag queen. It was just a show where I would be dressed up. Besides this, I could not see it was bad for boys to be girly. The teacher did not agree. This was nothing new. I was used to people looking down at me. I was surprised that Annie stood up for me.

Granny must have also been confused. She asked me how a boy who was 13 years old allow himself to wear make-up. I explained that I was gender fluid. I had no problems dressing as a boy or even a girl. This made Granny frustrated as she told me that she heard about the mad doctor. She heard how people tried to make me a girl. She also thought it was wrong and the work of the devil. She ordered me to wash the makeup off. I told her no. She did not decide over me and besides, Mom accepted me for who I was. She just had to deal with it and accept it.

Later that night, Granny told Dad that she decided to live with us. Granny thought that we needed her. Dad did not seem to care. He said that it was a good idea.

March 8, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I did not like the idea of Granny now living with us. We had our Dad. Aunty also lived here. We did not need another person in the house. Besides this, I was now 13. Despite the small fact that I wore diapers, I felt as if I could now think for myself. It also bothered me that mom did not like granny. If Mom did not like her, then why should I?

Andrew and I had a long talk today. We talked about the time that we kissed. I admitted that it confused me. It made me wonder if I was gay or not. Andrew smiled and told me that he was certain that he was gay. This being said, He told me that I should not worry about if I was gay or not. I had plenty of time to find out. Besides that, I should remember that a good friend is more important than a boyfriend or girlfriend. Andrew was right. It was a kiss and that didn’t mean I was gay or not. The important thing is that I was lucky that he was one of my best friends.

Dad did not go to work today. He was constantly drinking since our mom died. I felt sorry for him. I bet that he hoped that he would get old with mom. Now he was alone. I was hoping that he would feel better at some stage, but maybe this would be after the funeral.

When Sarah and I were alone, I told her that I did not want to do the show. It just did not feel right. I was too sad to practice for it. Sarah disagreed. She was hoping that the show would be a tribute to mom. I made up my mind. I did not like that Sarah did not agree, but I simply did not want to do it

March 9, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today was a bad day at school. Some noticed that I was wearing a diaper. They noticed the top of the diaper that showed above my trousers. They also noticed it was pink and this meant of course that it was a girl's diaper. They started to tease me and call me names such as baby and pee pants.

Noah joined in the teasing and told everyone that I was getting stranger and stranger every day. While everyone else was getting taller, I was still tiny. Then he laughed and said that I was so tiny, that I still needed diapers. Noah shoved me against a wall and said that a baby like me did not deserve to wear pants. It looked as if he wanted to pull my pants down.

Annie showed up and warned Noah to back off. She would give anyone that bothered me a bloody nose. Then she reminded everyone that my mother just died. This would give anyone problems that could affect the way that they thought or how their body worked. The diapers were just helping me get through this time that was mentally hard and had given my body some problems. This was not true. I was happy that Annie stood up to me and protected me. I started to see her in a new way.

March 10, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Father Immer visited us today to talk about Mom’s funeral. He wanted to make sure that we knew what was going to happen. I could see how much this had upset Sarah. She was crying as the priest talked. I could understand Sarah. Mom’s funeral will be the last goodbye, a reminder that we lost our mother at such a young age. I also lost respect for the priest. He once told me to be myself and be proud of who I was, even if this meant that I did not mind acting and dressing as a girl. When boys and their parents in the choir complained, he suddenly agreed with them and was now afraid I would corrupt other boys. I did not trust him.

Granny came into my room when Sarah and I were drawing pictures. She told us that she had been here for a week and some things confused her. She could not understand why I was a “sissy”. She could not understand why I put makeup on my eyes. What really confused her was why I wore diapers. I did not answer any of these questions. This was because I spent the last year explaining to people how I felt. It was only when Granny told us that she thought mom should have put her foot down and raised me properly that both I and Sarah got mad. Sarah told Granny to leave us alone. I was so proud of my little sister.

March 11, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Today was Mom’s funeral. Aunty helped get me dressed. She bought a black top for me that went down to my knees. I also wore black leggings. I thought the top looked like a dress, but Aunty told me that it suited me. She thought that I no longer minded if the clothes I wore were feminine or not. I shrugged my shoulders and agreed. It was nice of her buying me new clothes. I was also sure that Mom would have liked these clothes.

The funeral was the saddest thing I ever experienced in my life. We stood around the coffin as the priest said some words. Dad was standing like a zombie. Aunty was crying. Billy was looking down at the ground. Granny had her usual stern stoned face. Sarah clutched to me as she wept. I tried to be brave, but when they lowered Mom’s coffin into the ground, I started crying uncontrollably.

I hid in my room after the funeral. I looked at a picture of Mom. She must have thought that it was hard having a gender-fluid child. She must have been worried that a 13-year-old had to wear diapers. Mom must have been so worried about me. I knew that Mom loved me. The big question is what I would do now that she was gone.

March 12, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Granny wanted to have a family meeting. This was the last thing I wanted to do. I hoped that she would tell us that she was going home.

This was not the case. Granny told us that now that Mom was gone, she felt it was her duty to live with us. Some things worried her. I guessed that the majority of her concerns had something to do with me. She did not say what worried her, but she did say that things would change now that she was now here. Granny did not understand how mom could raise spoiled children that had fetishes and were confused and immoral.

We all looked at Dad and hoped he would kick this old woman out. Dad just mumbled and said that he could not raise us alone. Aunty tried to intervene and remind Dad that she promised mom that she would take care of us. Granny told Aunty to be quiet and said that she just confused us and tried to make us something that we should not be. Granny also reminded Aunty that she tried to kill mom. She was not a good role model, Aunty stormed out of the room. Everyone was upset. I just sat there thinking that it was good that Mom was not here.