Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 3-9 , 2016

January 3, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

There was no choir today. Father Immer thought that we deserved rest after Christmas. Everything else was as if it always was. Billy still hogged the toilet. As if staring in the mirror would make him look better. I was not quick enough, as Sarah sneaked in the bathroom afterwards. She was now spending as much time as Billy. Sometimes it would have been better if I was an only child.

Dad and I ended up doing our morning duties at the tree in the backyard. Dad tried to joke saying that it was good I was only a sissy. If I had the body of a girl, I would have had problems “watering the tree.”. I should have corrected him and said that I was not a sissy, I was genderfluid. Dad was trying his best to accept me and to be nice about it. I was sure that in time he could tell the difference between a sissy and someone that was genderfluid.

The church was boring without the choir. Word has got out that I did not get a contract with Netflix. This meant that people either called me names or gave me strange looks. I would no longer be famous, so no one thought I was special anymore. They thought that I was just a weird boy that thought he was a girl. It hurt to be teased, but at least I knew they were being honest

Annie met me after Church. She did not look like she was in a good mood. She spoke in a large voice, asking what sort of boyfriend I was. I chose to be with Bella the other day when Annie wanted me to be with her. I was quiet as I should have been honest telling Annie that I kissed Bella. I was an unfaithful boyfriend. The words would not come out of my mouth. I would tell Annie later.

January 4, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I should have been happy. I was now living as a genderfluid teenager. My family finally accepted it and did the friends that mattered. I also accepted it. I was not a girl in a boy's body. I was a boy that could dress in both boy clothes and girl clothes. I could play games that both genders have done. I did not hate pink. I knew that people like my dad thought that I was a sissy. They would learn.

Bella's Grannie did not take care of us. Mom thought that I was old enough to take care of Sarah. My parents said it would teach me responsibility. Sarah loved the idea.

Today Sarah said something strange. She said it was nice to see me so happy. She thought I was happiest when I was dressed as a girl and acted as one. She told me that being happy was the most important thing in the world. Then my sister smiled and said she would be happy if she got good presents on her birthday.

January 5, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

It was soon Sarah's birthday. It was hard to believe that my little sister would be 11 years old. She was no longer a little girl. She was nearly a teenager. It made me wish that time could be stopped. We could be happy and not change. Sarah would soon be a teenager and her childhood ways would be replaced by make-up and thinking about boys and being popular. I could not think of a present. I wanted it to be special.

Mom usually brushed my hair before I went to school. I loved when she did this. We used to talk about everything. However today, she said she was feeling unwell. So Sarah put my hair in a ponytail and I put her hair in one. When we looked in the mirror, we started laughing because we looked like twins. Sarah may have been two years younger than me, but she was already taller.

Ar school, I hung around with Bella and Andrew. Annie was still mad at me. It was awkward being with Bella. I kept on thinking about the kiss. She was the first person that I kissed. It should have been Annie. Did this mean that I fancied Bella? Was she my first love? I did not know what to say to Bella. I knew we should talk about the kiss. This did not happen, every time we looked at each other, we blushed.

At home, Sarah was quiet. I tried cheering her up by putting on a similar dress as she had on. This did not work so I said we should play with her dolls. Sarah finally admitted that she was teased about me. Some were calling me a freak and wanted to know if she was also one. They teased her by saying that she must also have been a sissy and not a girl. I hugged her and told her that people could be so mean. Some did not care if their words hurt others. I told Sarah she was the perfect sister that anyone could ever have.

January 6, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I was slow at getting out of bed today. There were so many thoughts going through my head. I was now the smallest in my class and even Sarah was taller than me. I had to accept that the mad doctor stunted my growth and wondered if this would affect me for the rest of my life. I tried to think of the advantages of being so small. It was not fun that everyone thought I was about 8 years old. The discussion I had yesterday confirmed to me that you were judged on how you looked and if you were normal. Not many people judged you on how nice you were.

Annie teased Bella today for being a hermaphrodite. Bella was in tears as everyone was laughing at Annies jokes, which were hurtful. I could not deal with how some people were mean to each other. I told Annie to back off and leave Bella alone. Annie just stood there in shock. She was most likely shocked that her boyfriend was against her. I tried telling Annie that bullying was not cool and bullies should be ashamed of themselves. Annie got mad at me and told me that she was not a bully and what sort of boyfriend was I?

I suppose now was not the best time to admit to Annie that I kissed Bella.

January 7, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I woke up having a strange dream. I dreamt that Andrew and I were kissing. This is not the first time that I had this dream. Why did I not dream I was kissing Bella or Annie? Why did I dream that I was kissing a boy? Did this mean that deep down, I was gay? Was this why I was genderfluid? I tried not to think if Andrew was cute or not. I did not want to think if any boy was cute.

I bought Annie a gift today. I used all the money that I had. It was a bed light in the shape of a unicorn. I thought it looked pretty and if she did not want it, I would have it.

When we got home from school, we played dress up. So when Dad came home he caught us both wearing dresses. I expected Dad would get mad. Despite that he was pale, he smiled and told me that no one could see that I was a boy. I looked like an adorable girl. We both hugged Dad.

Dad was trying hard to accept who I was. This made things much better for the family. I was no longer the centre of attention. I think that Dad expected that this was a phase I was going through, as he sometimes suggested things or hinted at how I should look more boyish. Today he asked if I wanted to go to the gym as it would make me strong again and I would get abs. I declined the offer.

January 8, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Today we were told about an essay competition. You could win a new laptop. I decided that I would join the competition.

I did not see much of Annie this week. She sent me a text message after school that she no longer wanted to be my girlfriend. There we had it. I was on the single market again. Sarah told me that I should not care, as Annie was not good for me. She only wanted me as a boyfriend because she thought I would be famous and when we were together, she treated me as a baby. “Who asks their boyfriend to wear a diaper when he visits them?” she concluded.

Dad heard that I was dumped and told me that Annie most likely wanted me to be more macho. It's hard for a girl to go out with a boy that has nicer hair than she has, and would love to dress in her clothes.

To be honest, I was not sad. It saved me from telling Annie that I kissed another girl. I also doubted that Annie loved me. Sarah was right, she only wanted me because there was a chance that I would be famous and she did dress me as her doll. The big question was if I wanted to be Bella's boyfriend? We did kiss!

January 9, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today was Sarah's birthday. She was now 11 years old. I loved her smile and excitement when she opened her presents. At least mom and Dad remembered to buy her presents. She loved the unicorn light that I got her.

When mom was brushing my hair, Dad asked me how long I wanted it. He hinted that it should be cut. I disagreed that it should be cut. I loved having long hair, despite some of it being sometimes in my mouth when I slept.

We had a party for Sarah. It was only my aunt that came. Mom explained that she did not have the energy to have a party with Sarah's friends. Sarah was nice about it and told us that she was with the people that she loved. I thought that it could be because my family was ashamed of me, but then I had to remind myself that everything did not revolve around me.

Mom was tired all day and she told us that she would not be going to Church the next day.

To be continued