Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 15- 21, 2016

May 15, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today was a strange day. I thought I would never see it coming. At Church, Noah was sitting in the pews and not in the choir. After Church, Annie told me that Father Immer kicked him out of the choir. I could guess why Father Immer did this. Noah is an evil person that enjoys hurting others. He has a rotten heart and this ends up destroying other's lives. Besides all this, he could not sing. He sounds like a vacuum cleaner full of coal.

This could also be Fr. Immer's way of getting me back in the choir. Annie did tell me the choir was not as good as when I was in it. I tried to be humble when she said this, but it did make me feel happy that I was still needed. I still did not answer if I was coming back to the choir. The reason I did not answer is that I was simply not feeling so happy with life now. I also did not want to do everything that Granny wanted me to do.

Sarah and I visited Dad in the afternoon. He seemed as if he was much better than he was before. He talked a lot about his treatments and how nice the place was. It was a relief that Dad was getting the help that he needed. We needed him, but I could see that he needed someone to help him.

Dad did tell me that I looked different. “You look like me when I look in the mirror,” he said, “You don’t smile and your eyes are blank. I hope you have not given up. I hope you are not defeated by the world.”
Dad was worried about me, despite what he said was confusing. I was not defeated. Still, it showed that he still loved me and was starting to notice me again.

When we came home, Granny was mad that we visited Dad.

May 16, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

After School, my teacher visited us to tutor me. We were in the sitting room as she started explaining and teaching. I still do not think that I needed tutoring, but it was nice getting help with my homework and it took my mind off of things. Granny was being very nice and I suspect that this was to show my teacher how great she was and how much we needed her. She tried to get my teacher on her side by telling her how bad and misguided Sarah and I were. This made me want to stick my middle finger at Granny, but I managed to keep calm.

When my Granny went into the kitchen, my teacher told me she did not care if I was in my girl mode or boy mode. This did not make me a good person or a bad person. What mattered is what was in my heart and how I treated others. She also told me that it was also very important how I treated myself. “How can you treat others in a good way when you forget yourself.” This gave me something to think about.

Later, Sarah and I talked. We would stop our boycott of Granny. Our new plan was to be the best angels that we could be for her. We would do what she wanted and be what she wanted. We thought this would make Granny think that her plan to “reform” us worked and she wouldn't be such a tyrant and make our lives hell. We realized that Granny was not going anywhere and we didn’t know if Dad was coming back.

May 17, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Andrew and I had a serious talk today. We admitted that we missed each other as friends. I also admitted that while the kiss was nice, I had conflicting feelings. I did not think that I was gay. This made Andrew laugh as he said we both knew who I fancied. He also suggested that I could be bisexual. This made me think and he could be right. I told him that time would tell if I was or not and I still had a lot of time to discover my sexual identity.

The important thing was that Andrew and I decided that we should be friends and in a way a good friendship was better than if we were romantic partners. I felt good after our little talk. At least something in my life was sorted. I suppose this could mean that the other million problems I had would be sorted.

After school, I visited Billy. We did not talk about Granny or the problems I have. We did talk about that Dad seemed much better. Billy thought that Dad would be away for a long time. Other than that, I helped Billy clean his small flat. Let's face it, he was not a tidy person and would have no problem living in a pig sty. I enjoyed the visit. We were finally becoming closer as brothers and this would have made Mom smile!

Granny was upset I was so late. I did not tell her where I was. Sarah was helping her cook so I did the same. Granny did ask what happened to us so suddenly that we were now two nice children. I hated when someone called me a child. I was a teen! Still, I did not protest. Both Sarah and I put on our best angel faces.

May 18, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

After School, my teacher told me that we were going somewhere. I told her that I had to rush home to Granny. She told me that this was important. She drove me to Doctor Mary. If Granny knew this, she would skin me alive.

When I was in Doctor Mary's office, there was some silence for some time. Then she asked me how I was. I do not know what happened to me when she asked this. I started crying. It was just not tears and a few whimpers, It was a total meltdown. I told her everything about my clothes being thrown out, military school, Dad gone crazy and the way Sarah was treated. I could not stop crying. I even told her I saw the ghost of Mom.

When I did stop, Doctor Mary told me. “I cannot change who you are. Your granny wants you to mould you to someone they can understand. This will not work. It will make you depressed and this can have dire consequences. It can lead to self-harm. For the last year, people have been telling you what to be. The mad doctor even screwed with your mind and gave you strange medication. Let's draw a line in the sand. You must start listening to yourself! Be the person that makes you the happiest. This means that can be a boy, a girl, a genderfluid or whatever identity you want. The important thing is that you make the decision and do not care what others think!”

When I came home. I did not tell Granny where I was. Sarah and I were still trying to be angels.

May 19, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Noah bullied me at school, but there is nothing new there. He blamed me for him being kicked out of the choir. I responded by saying that it had nothing to do with me. It's because he could not sing. This resulted in him punching me which winded me. It was worth it.

When Sarah and I were doing homework, Granny started to talk about Mom. She said that our mom was always weak and too liberal. I never did understand what liberal meant. When Granny did speak about Mom, it was shocking. She told us how she was ashamed and embarrassed about our mother. She thought that mom was a wimp as a child and she married the wrong man. She was a bad mother and should never have had children.

When Granny was speaking badly about Mom, I poked Sarah to tell her we should not get mad or respond. We continued being angels. This being said, deep down I was boiling mad. Granny had no right to speak about my mother like that. She said many mean and hateful things. Did my grandmother have a heart?

When I was in bed later, the ghost of my mom was sitting on my bed. She was smiling. We did not speak. She just held my hand. The only time she spoke with me was when she said not to give up hope and to fight for my rights. As she was fading away she smiled once again and said, “I did hear what Granny said about me. I never did like that woman and, sadly, she is part of your life now.”

May 20, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Sarah and I visited Dad once again. This time, he had some cake and milk for us. He was proud that he found a new hobby in cooking. As he said, he had to do things rather than feel sorry for himself. I was smiling as it was nice to see my Dad getting better and better every time we visited him.

When we were eating cake, Dad told us that he knew that he knew that he has let us down as a father. He should have been there for us when Mom died. He looked at me and said that he should have been there when I was confused about my identity. He told Sarah that every girl needs a Dad that treats them like a princess, and he even neglected that. He asked us if we would forgive him. He did not know when he would be coming home, but he loved us.

We hugged Dad. Of course, we forgave him. We did not tell him though how bad Granny was doing and what she was doing. We did not say that she was seeking custody of us. We did not want Dad to relapse.

May 21, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I cannot write too much today. I spent all evening with Sarah crying on my shoulder. She cried herself to sleep. I hate seeing it when Sarah is so sad.

Sarah has a reason to be sad. Granny told us that she has enrolled Sarah in a boarding school for girls. She would be taught how to be a little lady and a good wife in the future.

I am so mad and frustrated. Granny is an evil b*/&. She promised me that she would not do this.

I am done being an angel and trying to please Granny. It's time I do what the ghost of Mom told me to do. It's time to fight back. It's time to stand up to the tyrant.