Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 13-19, 2016

March 13, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

It finally happened. When I went to Church to get changed for the choir, Father Immer told me that we needed to talk. He told me that I would no longer be in the choir. Once again, I was told that the boys and their parents did not want me in the choir. They could no longer accept that I crossdressed. Father Immer told me that they could not understand why a boy considered himself genderfluid or transgendered. He also said that this was strange for the boys, and it made it worse that I did not mind wearing diapers. Father Immer agreed that I should be the way that made me happy, but I should also realize that people may not like it. He finished by telling me that the gender identity problem I had and the diaper usage could be a sign that I was dealing with problems and confusion in the wrong way. He thought I was regressing and not accepting my gender as an escape… an escape from reality.

I went out to the Church and sat next to Sarah and Aunty. Dad still did not want to come to Church. Sarah kept on asking me why I was not in the choir. I told her that I did not want to talk about it. Sarah could see me crying so she knew not to bother me. I was so mad at Father Immer and the boys. Why would they be afraid of me? Did they think that I was gay and would fall in love with them? Besides all this, what did the priest mean that I was different from other boys because it was an escape from reality? Being in the choir was the best thing in my life. Now I was not even allowed to do that.

Billy decided to move back to his flat. He told me that the house was too crowded with both Aunty and Grannie wanting to decide. Besides that, he did not like Granny. He also thought that Aunty was still trying to change me into a baby girl. I did not reply. I was tired of people always having an opinion on how I should be.

March 14, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Today we got a new teacher. Her name was Miss Riordan. She was a small woman that liked to talk a lot. At first, she thought that I was a girl. Noah did not waste time telling her that I was a sissy baby. He said I was so weird that I was kicked out of the choir. He finished his little speech by saying that I had no friends. Miss Riordan told Noah to shut his mouth and told him he must be the school bully. Then asked what difference does it make if a boy acts and dresses like a girl? What was worse… a boy that wore a dress or a boy who bullied others? What should matter is how we treat ourselves and others.

I like Miss Riordan. She was not like others. Despite that she stood up for me, it hurt me that Noah said that I was weird and had no friends. I had Andrew and Bella as friends, but that was all. I was not even wanted in the choir.

Granny was waiting for me when she came home. She told me that she cannot accept I was a hippie teen that dressed as a girl and even wore diapers. She gave me a huge speech on why she thought it was wrong. She finished her rant by telling me under no circumstances would she allow me to perform as a drag queen at a show. She would not allow me to participate in a world that was for homosexuals and immoral people.

I ran to my room. I took the bag of diapers and went down to throw them at her.

“ You can have these diapers,” I said, “I do not need them anymore. I also decided days ago that I did not want to do the show. If I wanted to do it, you could not stop me. So you can keep the diapers, but I accepted long ago that I was genderfluid. I can be a boy or a girl. I can dress the way I want. This does not make me weird. I have accepted it and I don’t care if you do or not. I now understand why Mom never wanted you in her life. She didn’t like you!”

March 15, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Everyone was quiet after my outburst with Granny yesterday. I did not feel bad about it. It's been 8 months since I first wore a dress. It has been a rough confusing part of my life. Everyone had an opinion on if a boy should act and dress as a girl. I asked myself why I wanted to be girly. It would be much easier for me if I just did everything a boy should. I would not be judged. This being said, I made up my mind a long time ago. Maybe it was my aunt's and mad doctor's fault that I considered myself both genders. I have made up my mind that I could dress and act as I wanted, even if it did make me look like a girl. I accepted and was happy with this identity. If my Granny wanted to judge me, then that said more about her than it did about me. I did not hurt anyone!

I was worried about Dad. He had not been at work since Mom died. He hardly ever said anything. Dad looked like a mess and was constantly drunk. I realized that he missed Mom and was grieving. At the same time, we needed him as Granny was like a dictator and wanted to decide everything.

Aunty and Granny argued. It started with Granny complaining that our family was dysfunctional. Billy and I were a bad example for Sarah. Granny considered Billy a drug addict even though he no longer used drugs. She considered me a sissy that wore dresses and makeup. Then Aunty had to hear about how children were in her day. They knew their place in society and did not do things against God’s plan and nature. All in all, she thought I had mental problems. Why would any boy want to wear dresses and even diapers?

Aunty tried to respond. She admitted that it was her fault, as she was the one that convinced me to wear a dress. Since then it has not been easy for me. One thing the mad doctor screwed with my mind and made it very hard for me to grow. Another thing was that I had to find out my own identity. Aunty told Granny that it was my mother's wish that I was happy and people would accept that I was genderfluid. As for the diapers, Aunty said that I always had a hard time facing problems and tended to regress to a toddler when I could not deal with them. When this happens, patience is needed. Aunty reminded Granny that I no longer wanted to wear diapers.

Granny just mumbled, “Rubbish, that boy needs structure and discipline”

March 16, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I did not like when people discussed me. I did not like when people judged me. It seems as if everything was becoming worse and worse. Father Immer told me I had gender identity problems because I wanted to escape from problems. Even aunty said I regressed and was girly because I could not deal with things. Could they be right? Did I decide it was OK to look and act like a boy or a girl because I could become someone else? It made me think that when I started writing this diary, my wish was to be popular at school. This was not the case. Everyone thought I was weird and a misfit.

I was known as the school sissy and baby. The problem is would I be happy if I acted normal? I was always happy when I could dress and act like a girl until now. I was also happy that I could dress and act as a boy when I wanted to. My life would be much easier and I would have a higher status if I just acted like a normal teenage boy. No one would judge me. I would not be as happy, but I would not be the topic of people's discussions and arguments.

Sarah and Aunty told me that I should consider doing the talent show as a drag kid. I had the talent to dress up and perform. I liked wearing makeup and looking pretty. I would have fun doing it. For this reason, they thought that I should do the show. Sarah also laughed and said that it would also annoy Granny, as she didn’t want me to do the show. This made us all laugh, including Aunty.

March 17, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Aunty took me so to see Doctor Mary today. I was told that Granny was not to know I was seeing the doctor. If she did, then it would just cause more drama.

Doctor Mary gave me the puberty blocker shot. Otherwise, she was nice. She thought that it was good that I no longer needed diapers. After this, I admitted that some people wanted to convince me that I was weird and strange. Some thought that I was escaping reality when I crossdressed. This made me think if I wanted to be someone else. Doctor Mary told me that I should remember that I went through a lot of confusion about my gender identity. I accepted that I was genderfluid and was happy. I even considered being a drag kid. It was not my problem, it was other people that had a problem. The idea that a boy could be a crossdresser made them feel uncomfortable and some considered it too liberal. In the end, I had to be a person that made me feel comfortable and happy and realize that some would always think it was wrong.

Doctor Mary also told me that I will have to think about the future. Did I want to start with female hormones that would give me a more feminine body? If I took these hormones, I would develop breasts. In the future, I could get an operation that would change my body to a woman's body. I told Doctor Mary that I could not decide all this now. I needed to think about it.

March 18, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

The school was the same as it always was. It was like being in hell. The others teased and bullied me. The only friend I had was Andrew and he was teased and bullied just as much as me. Annie was also nice to me. I was very sceptical of her. It is not as if every time I gave her a chance, she did not end up hurting me and embarrassing me.

Andrew came home to visit me after school. We were in Sarah's room playing with her dollhouse. Sarah was beginning to smile a lot more since Mom died. She liked Andrew as well. So the three of us spent hours with the dollhouse and her other toys. I started to forget all the worries and problems I had all week and just had fun. Even Sarah noticed this as she said to me that it was good to see me happy again.

When Andrew had to go home, he hugged me. After he went Granny told me that she did not want me to be friends with Andrew. She did not like him and said, “He is one of them.” In other words, she knew he was gay and most likely thought that I would become gay as well. I did not answer Granny and pretended not to hear her.

March 19, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Bella was home from her school, so she came over to me to visit. Bella, Sarah and me were in my bedroom.

I told them that I had something important to say. “I am sorry that I have been impossible to be around this week. I was kicked out of the choir and Granny has been giving me a hard time about cross-dressing. I felt as if everyone was judging me again. I have thought a lot about my identity. I am genderfluid. I don’t mind being boyish or girlish. I will not listen to people who judge me. If they think I am weird or immoral or if they are uncomfortable with me, then that is their problem. I know who I am. I do not hurt others and I am proud of myself and happy. I have decided to do the talent show with Sarah.

Sarah was so happy that we were going to do the talent show.

Bella told me that I should consider going to her school.