Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

August 23-29, 2015

August 23, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today was Choir again at the church. Of course, we came at the last minute, which annoyed the priest. Besides Billy being so slow in the bathroom. It was mom's first time out in public. She had to take her time and take things slowly. I was proud of my mom, she showed so much courage.

I met Annie as we were entering Church. She told me that we could speak after.

There was a strange atmosphere at the choir and the mass itself. The boys were looking at the newspaper. They were giggling and looking at me. I didn't have time to look at it. However, I could see the people at mass looking at the newspaper. Then they would look at me with strange smiles or disapproving ones. Dad and mum were whispering to each other.

When I was changing, I found out what all the commotion was. I looked at the newspaper. It was me dressed as a girl in Greece. I remembered when some man wanted to take a picture of me. He was really a journalist! I wanted to tell the other boys I could explain. But what could I explain? That picture said enough. My life was ruined.

On my way out to the car, everyone was staring at me. Mom held my hand close to protect me. Annie walked by me without saying a word and my arch enemy Noah just gave me some wicked smile. He would no doubt make my life at school hell.

Aunty tried to cheer me up. She said she would be taking Sarah and me to see a film the next day.

August 24, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I could not stop thinking about Annie. She most definitely has noticed that I was now alive. She probably thought that I was a sissy and wore dresses when I could. I am sure that if I explained why I had to wear Sarah's clothes, she would understand and think that I was in fact brave for wearing a dress under the circumstances.

How wrong I could be. When I knocked at Annie's door, her mother answered. She looked at me as if I was the most wanted criminal in the country. She snapped at me that Annie did not want to see me. Her mother was happy about this. Both Annie and her mom thought I was a sissy and a bad influence.

As I went home I was holding my head low. I was in tears and thought that my life was over. People would never forget that picture. At the age of 13 years and one month, I would now have the status of being an outcast and a weird boy.

The new girl was hanging outside her new house. She rushed to me and told me her name was Isabella but everyone called her Bella. She lived with her granny.

I stopped crying as I could not help to think that Bella was so pretty. She was just like an angel. It was too late. She noticed that I have been crying so I told her the story. I was sure that she would run away and think that I was a freak.

Bellas reaction shocked me, “I thought the picture was cute. You do look like a girl in it. Not every boy could do that. I think it shows you have the courage and you do look very happy. Even if you wanted to be a girl, no one should make you cry over that. I think you should dress and be what makes you happy.”

I assured Bella that I was not a sissy. She announced in a chirpy voice that she would like to be friends. I could not believe my ears. One of the prettiest girls I ever met wanted to be my friend.

I was on a pink cloud

That night we went to see an old film called Billy Elliot. Basically it's a boy that wants to do ballet and this is hard for others to accept. They all think he was a sissy because he wants to do ballet. The fact is that he just liked doing ballet. He did have a friend who liked dressing as a girl.

I know I will be thinking tonight why Aunty thought it was so important that I have seen that film.

August 25, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I was bored today. Sarah did not want to play. She was being strange since we came from Greece. Mom said it was a good time for us to talk.

She admitted that she noticed that I was so sad. I broke down crying and told her that all I ever want is to be a cool teen like anyone else. I wanted Annie to fall in love with me and to do well at school. My plan was to be accepted and liked by everyone.

Being a teenager was hard. Not only was there terrorism and starvation and poverty in the world, people thought that I really wanted to be a girl!

Mom reminded me that people always thought I was a girl. She then looked in my eye and told me that I was never as happy as I was when I was wearing girl clothes in Greece and was a girl while I was there. I was not judged there. Mom asked why I was so happy then... I said that I honestly did not know.

Mom promised me that we would talk again. She was reading a lot about feminine boys.

August 26, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today I was to visit the doctor. Mom asked Aunty to take me to the doctor. This was the doctor that caused so much trouble. I started having a tantrum. I didn't have a tantrum like this since I was a toddler. It was a good way to get a lot of frustration out. Aunty told me to stop, as it was upsetting my mom.

So we went to the doctor. The secretary gave me some earphones and told me to listen to some music while I was waiting. This was a nice change. The music was Madonna music, so Dad would have loved it. Still, it passed time.

It was time for me to go in. I was shocked that it was Bella that came out. Why was she at the doctor's? Bella looked red as a rose when she saw me. She looked so embarrassed. I tried saying hello to her, but she held on her granny's hand and walked out.

I noticed that she had such a nice dress. I would love to wear it. Why did I say that?

The doctor called me in and told me that she heard that I had such a good time in Greece where I was allowed to be myself. I wanted to protest, but the words could not get out of my mouth.

“I see the subliminal music is working.” the doctor said. “The patient will think less and accept what others say. The hormone tablets must be continued. Her body needs hormones at the moment. We will help the transition more by giving her two shots. The first is a puberty blocker. This will stop the production of male hormones and stop puberty. The second one is an anti-growth contraction drug. This one is very experimental and not approved. It will stop the patient's growth and in some cases, the patient will become smaller. There are side effects. The patient could experience pain like growing pains, and the patient could we weaker and have problems with coordination.”

Aunty asked if all this war ethical. The doctor laughed and asked was it now she was asking such a question?

I didn't understand a word of what the doctor said. I heard her speaking and I could write everything down. However, it seems all jibberish to me. The only thing I understood was when she stuck me with two needles. They hurt so much that I started crying. I did not even notice when Aunty put a pacifier in my mouth.

I will go to bed now. Dad is delighted that I am listening to Madonna music.

August 27, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

School starts in less than a week. I am still wetting the bed. Dad is complaining about how much diapers cost!

Mom and Dad were arguing about me. It was the same argument as they have had the last few times. Dad wanted me to be a boy and stop being so foolish and weird. He warned my mother that I would end up in some madhouse. Mom was saying that I was finding myself. She was trying to convince my dad that he should support me.

Bella and her grandmother came. Bella was very shy which was not like her. She was clutching on to her grandma trying to avoid looking at me. I went to her and told her that I hoped she was well again after being at the doctor's. This made Bella look at me and say that I did not know why she was there. That was a strange thing to say. I was just happy that she was no longer shy and back to her formal self.

Mom told her granny that she asked her over for a reason. She has seen an advertisement that after school, Bellas's grandmother was willing to take care of children. Mom wanted her to take care of Sarah and me. Bella and I were jumping up and down with the joy, We would be together after school!

As Bella went home, I was thinking I should fix my hair so it was pretty like hers. Then I slapped myself. Why was I thinking that?

August 28, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Today was a lazy day. Sarah was still acting strange to me and did not want to be with me.

My best friend Andrew came. He talked a lot about the picture of me that was in the newspaper. I told him that I would never be popular or even liked at school. This made Andrew shrug his shoulders and ask why was life about being popular. Why was life not about being happy and kind for oneself and others. Andrew could have some strange thoughts. I doubted that Noah knew what the word kind meant.

Mom spent some time brushing my hair today. I love when she brushed my hair. Mom noticed that I no longer asked to get it cut where I immediately snapped that I did not want it cut. I wanted to look pretty. Then I looked in her eyes and said I did not know why I said that.

Mom sighed and said that I am not a happy child.

August 29, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Mom told me that she needed to speak with me.

“ You have been confused and sad lately.” she said, “The doctor thinks you are regressing so you would feel safe as a doctor. You have started wetting the bed. On top of that, it is obvious that you do not know if you are a boy or a girl. I think you do know deep down and cannot accept it, You are fighting against it.”

Despite mom thinking that I was really a girl. She promised me that she would not force me to live as a girl or dress like one. I had to be the one that came and tell her what I wanted.

This means that I am a boy and can continue being one

To be continued