Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 24-30 , 2016

January 24, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Ýou would think that it would be easier to use the toilet in the morning now that Billy left home. This was not the case. Dad and I had to wait for Sarah. It was as if she needed more and more time getting ready. Even when she was finished, Aunty would help Sarah look good by doing her hair. Dad tried to joke and tell me I was lucky when I wet the bed months ago, as I did not have to wait. This joke surprised me somewhat. I expected Aunty to say something like that. I suppose Dad was still trying to be nice and understanding.

The choir was a bit hard today at Church. I remembered what Father Immer had said. The others were afraid that I would corrupt them. What did they think, that I would convince them all that they were genderfluid? The fact is that no one understood what genderfluid meant. They did not understand I could identify myself one day as a boy and a girl another day. I do not know why they were afraid. I would not try and make them the same and I would not hurt them. I did not want to leave the choir. Singing was one of the things that I was good at. I wanted to be friends with everyone in the choir, and I will be honest, it hurt me when they did not want me.

Mom was admitted to the hospital today. We knew that she was sick for ages. The good thing was now she could get better at the hospital. This meant that aunty was taking care of us. I wondered how she would change my life this time.

January 25, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

It seems like everyone in my life is getting sick. Mom is in the hospital and now I heard that Bella would not be coming back to school for a full week. I missed Bella and it was harder being without her at school. At least I had Andrew, although he was teased just as much as I was.

After school, Andrew and I visited Bella. She looked great and she seemed very happy. It did seem that she did not want to go back to school. In a way, I could understand this. She would be so afraid if she went back to school. She did not want to be beaten up again. Andrew commented on how evil some can be. They attacked Bella over the way she was born. They attacked her for something that was not her fault. We decided we would not talk about bad things, but things that made us happy. We ended up laughing and joking. It was just like old times.

When I went home. Dad told me that he visited mom. She would like us to visit her in a few days. Dad told us she was fine, and the doctors and nurses were doing a great job. Mom was having lots of tests, so they knew what was wrong with her.

Then Dad wanted to have a serious talk with me. He is a teacher at my school so he hears a lot. Now the teachers are even talking about me. He said once again that he is trying to accept my identity, but I also have to make compromises. So he suggested a deal that I would have girl time at home and when I am not home, I would be a boy. He did not want me wearing girl clothes outside the house or having my hair styled in a feminine way. He did not want me to wear feminine earrings. He wanted everyone to think I was a boy! He finished by saying that he did not want me to act gay.

I agreed because I had to try as much as Dad. I did not mind being a boy as long as I could express my girl side. As for being gay, I did not want to be gay. I was convinced that I liked girls.

January 26, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Mom had probably forgotten to tell Aunty that I used a sippy cup, as aunty gave me a normal glass

Aunty and I talked after dinner. She admitted it was hard being here after the troubles she caused the last time. She asked me if I meant it when I forgave her for treating me like a baby girl. I nodded and admitted that I now considered myself genderfluid. When I dressed or acted like a girl, I felt like a girl. Aunty may have in a way forced me to be a girl in Greece, but now it was my choice. In a way, I should thank her for opening my eyes and helping me realize who I was.

I told her that one thing was confusing. Why did she make me wear diapers and treat me like a baby? Aunty was silent and then explained that she could see something fragile about me. It was as if I was not ready to be a teenager. It was as if I did not feel wanted or loved or secure. Being treated like a baby made me happier in some way. She explained when she saw me happier and feeling more loved and secure, it was something that made her treat me more like a baby.

Aunty explained that some teens regress to being a baby again. For some, it is a fetish. For others, it is because they cannot cope with life and went back to a time when it was secure. I did not say much. Did I feel happier being a baby? I should never have asked the question. Now I was wondering if I would be happier as a baby!

January 27, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

We visited mum today at the hospital. Billy was there. We were told that he was sitting by mom's bed since she came into the hospital. Billy may have been a bully at times and a complainer, but I respected the fact that he was sitting by Mom's bed since she came here. It made me think that mom was not lonely, as she had someone to keep her company.

Sarah told me before we visited the hospital that she knew she would cry. For her, it was unbearable seeing mom sick in a hospital bed. I told my sister that we had to be brave. This was easier said than done. When I saw mom in the bed tied to machines and tubes everywhere, I wanted to cry. Fortunately, both Sarah and I were brave, and we talked about school and how nice Dad was and that Aunty was even being a normal aunt. Mom did laugh when we told her that aunty was a lousy cook.

Dad wanted some private time with mom. I could see them through the door window that they were talking and then Dad hugged mom. I could see tears in Dad's eyes and this scared me somewhat. Why was Dad crying? What did mom tell him? Dad would not speak on his way home from work.

January 28, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today was one of those days that I wanted to forget. We had school showers after gym. I hated showers and usually hid in a corner. Today some of the boys teased me for how undeveloped my male organs were compared to theirs. I do not know how to write this in my diary, as it is so embarrassing. But it was when I looked at the other boys, I became excited. Some of the boys noticed this and thought it was disgusting that I was attracted to boys.

When I came home, I rushed to my bedroom and sat in a corner. Once again my mind was confused. Why did I stare at the boys and why did my body like looking at boys? It made me think that I could be gay and this was the future for me. I knew that I would have to get on my knees and pray that I would not become gay. After all, it is a sin, isn't it?

January 29, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Today I gave my essay to the teacher. It was not the essay that I planned. It was an essay on how I was different from others. It was about how I identified myself as genderfluid. How I like being a boy at times, and how I liked being a girl at some times. It also had some of my recent fears about my sexuality. The essay was about accepting who I was and being happy about my identity. It also explained the trials of being different. I wrote how hard it was to accept that I was different and how people did not accept it. This even meant being bullied.

When Sarah read the essay, she had tears in her eyes. Then she told me that she loved me as a brother and a sister. She did not mind what I wore. I was kind at that's all that mattered to others. Then she reminded me that I was still young to know if I was gay or not. Even if I was, it would not make me a worse person. At times Sarah was very wise and knew the right things to say. It is a shame others were not as wise as she was

At school, some of the boys gathered around me. They were mad that I was staring at them in the showers. One boy whose name was Mike pushed me against the wall and said it was bad enough that I was a sissy, it was just as bad that I was a “faggot”. Then he warned me to remember what happened with Bella and to keep my hands to myself.

January 30, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I did not think that anyone could be worse than Noah. I thought that my life would be better since Noah was suspended. Now I was threatened. It was bad enough that they called me a fag, which is such a mean word, now they were threatening my life. I wondered if I should tell the police or Dad. I was afraid. I do not think that I ever was so afraid as I was now.

I remembered the talk with Aunty had a few days ago. I now understood why some teens wanted to be babies or toddlers again. It was an escape from the harsh world that a teen has to experience. It was an escape from the bullying and threats. You did not have to think of who you were. You did not have to worry about being different. You could just feel safe and comfortable with no worries. This must be why some teens regressed to being a toddler or baby