Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

October 11 - 17, 2015

Everyone asked at choir how did modeling go. I noticed that Noah was very quiet, As my arch enemy, he did not want me to have any success. I did not really want to answer their questions. How was I going to tell them that it was a diaper ad? I would never hear the end of it. I just answered that modeling is not as fun as I thought it was.

Dad was upset since he heard about the photo session. He asked how mom could even allow me to be in diaper pictures. So all the way home, Dad was shouting this and that. He warned mom that she should tell Mr. Lewis not to use the photos. It was obvious that I humiliated dad. It made me think if he loved me.

Billy of course was mad as well. He asked why is everything in this family about me?

The whole day was strange. In the afternoon, mom started crying for no reason. This shocked everyone as it came from the blue.

“What do I do?” she asked herself out loud, “I have a son that does not know who he is and can be a good model, except its not what we expected. I have a daughter that needs me, but I am not there for her? Why? I am having a hard time believing that my sister wants me dead. On top of that, I have a husband that is humiliated by his son. What happened to my life? It's not supposed to be like this.”

No one knew what to say. There was a lot of truth in what mom was talking about. I decided to do my bit and say that I did not want to be in any diaper ad. It would mean that I would be teased and bullied at school, and I simply did not want this to happen.

It was time to see the doctor. She gave me the same shots that she usually gave and seemed very disappointed that I was wearing boy clothes. The doctor asked again and again if I was listening to the music she gave me and eating my vitamins. I just nodded my head. After that, she checked my height. This was the first time that I have seen her smile.

We sat down to have a small chat. I hated this part as she always left me more confused than when we started. I told her that I nearly woke up to pains every day. Mom said they were growing pains, but I did not think that I was growing. She just nodded and said the pains will become better. She can give me some pain killers to help. This made me feel a lot better.

She talked about the diaper ad, and I said that I decided not to do it. The doctor just smiled at me and advised me to let my mother decide. She asked why I did not get mad when it was a girl's diaper. She also asked was it so bad that I was having fun and was at peace when I was being a baby? Was I not proud that I would be a role model for the thousands of children that wet the bed? I could tell them that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

The doctor could see that I did not say as much, so she asked mom to wait in the waiting room. Then I was told that everything I said would remain between us.

“I don't know why?” I started, “But when I saw it was a girl's diaper, I asked myself what else would I wear? When I was being a baby, I felt like I was at peace and as happy as I ever was. There were no problems. It made me sad when I had to be me again. Now I have to think of what people at school would say if they knew I was a baby model”

She told me that I said I was a baby and not a diaper model. Then she asked the usual question if I was a girl or not.

“ I try not to think about that. It's mostly when I wake up that I wish I could wear a girl's dress, and play with Sarah's toys. I even have a teddy that I have all the time at home. I even told Bella that I was happiest as a girl. The problem is everyone wants me to be this and that. Dad wants me to be a boy and others think I am transgendered. I am confused and feel split. I feel like I am a big problem in this family, no matter what I do.”

The doctor wrote some notes down. She told me I had to follow my heart. If I thought I was a girl, then suppressing my destiny would do more harm than good. I responded that I am not a girl, I just like being one at times.

Mom was allowed back in. She had one question. She thought that I was becoming shorter and how could this even happen? The doctor said it's something we would have to keep an eye on. Then she looked at mom and said she knew how difficult all this was for her. She gave mom a book to read.

On the way out, I asked the doctor if Bella was transgender. The doctor smiled and said that she could not say why Bella came to her.

I told Mom that I did not like the doctor.

At school, people were ignoring me as usual. I figured I may as well look cool. So I took out my new cellphone and pretended someone important was speaking with me. Of course, there was no one on the other side. I felt very smart that I could look so important. I didn't think that most of the children here were constantly on their cell phones.

Then the worse thing happened. As Noah was walking by, he looked at me speaking with someone that wasn't really there. He smiled and said I must have a friend. Then the phone rang. It was mom saying I could come straight home, and I didn't have to go to grannies. The problem was that now everyone could see I was pretending to speak on the phone!

When I came home, I went straight to my bedroom and cried and cried. Then I got mad at myself and marched out to the family and threw the teddy from Alberto in the fireplace. In a way, I hoped all my problems would go up in flames as he slowly did.

I stayed home today pretending that I was sick. In a way, I was as I just murdered my teddy.

Mom came with some hot chocolate and we started talking about normal things. It's strange as my mom is the most insecure mother there is and wants to be so good. She reads and reads and this confuses her more. Mom is the best when she is just herself.

I told her that I was so sorry for everything. Mom smiled and hugged me as we sat on the sofa and advised we forget everything about what gender I am or things like that. We should just sit as mother and child and let those things wait for another day. She added that she did not care if I was transgender or not, she just wanted me to be happy. Her problem was that she did not know what she should do. She did not want people to think I was strange. She looked at a picture of Dad when she said this.

I told her it was not about being transgender. I have accepted that I was feminine and liked it. I told her that I stole the cell phone. Mom smiled and said that she knew that I stole it, and she knew that I would do the right thing.

She also added that I should not tell Dad about it.

Pains again but the new painkillers help

I told Bella about the cell phone, and she said there was only one answer. I should take it back. Then Andrew cut in and this made me feel very afraid. I told the whole school that he was gay and was unsure if he had forgiven me or not. The only thing that Andrew said was that I could not go back alone, and he would help me take the telephone back. We decided we would do it tomorrow.

That night I wrote a long letter to Alberto. I basically wrote what I told the doctor.

This may be my last entry here. I will surely get arrested and sent to juvie when I take the phone back

Andrew, Bella, and I went to the shop where I stole the cellphone. We asked to see the manager. It seemed like an eternity while I was waiting. I consoled myself by thinking this was the right thing to do.

When the manager came, I started to open my mouth to admit what I have done. However, Andrew was the one that spoke. He told the manager that he wanted to give his girlfriend the best present ever. Andrew pointed at me and said that he stole the telephone. Bella and I just stood there in shock. Andrew continued and said he knew it was wrong and he wanted to pay for the phone. The manager looked at Andrew as he was told that Andrew would accept any punishment that would be dished out.

The manager looked at me and admitted girlfriends are expensive but worth it. He also said that girls made boys do the craziest things as well as the stupidest. The manager took the money and told Andrew that he was very brave to admit to this. He was sure that Andrew learned his lesson.

As we walked home, I had one big question... WHY?. Andrew smiled and said that was his savings for emergencies. I was his best friend and that made this an emergency. He knew that he used to always hang out with me and now he knew that Bella was my best friend. It took him a long time to accept, but now he had no problem with it. I could pay the money back when I had it.

Bella stooped walking and said that there is no law that you cant have two best friends. There was no law that the three of them could hang out. We gave each other the musketeer handshake. Andrew had tears of happiness.

Then I started laughing and they both asked why. I said that the manager thought I was a girl and that was a nice feeling. It's good that I never cut my hair.

I woke up today listening to screaming and yelling: I stumbled out of my bed and went down to see the racket. Dad was screaming in some caveman language. It was hard not to laugh, as it looked very funny. Mom came in and asked him did he have his morning coffee.

“I was enjoying a cup of coffee,” he shouted, “until I saw this ad in the newspaper. Did we not agree that Allie would not be a model? Did I not decide and say that he was not to be a model? Then why is there an ad with Allie in the newspaper with a diaper on?”

I looked at the newspaper and it was true. There was a picture of me playing with a dollhouse. The picture did not show my face and with my long hair and girl diaper, it looked like a girl.

I let mom and dad fight and went to my room. I did not know what to think. Maybe no one would notice it was me.

Sarah came into me. She said nothing except give me a hug. She gave me her favorite porcelain doll and told me that she loves me. The doll was a victorian doll she got and was so pretty.

I hugged the doll still not knowing what to think about the newspaper ad.