Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

February 7-13, 2016

February 7, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Everyone was sad since we learned that Mom was dying. Everything was so silent at home. Even Sarah did not say much, which under other circumstances would have been a miracle. I think that we were all thinking of how unfair God was for allowing mom to be on her death bed. It was also as if we could not speak about how we felt. I suppose the easiest thing for everyone was just to remain silent and keep our fears and thoughts to ourselves.

I was not even teased at choir. The word of mom's health had spread very quickly and the other boys knew that I would soon miss my mother. I would have liked them to tease and bully me all they wanted to as long as I could keep my mother. It was the same in the choir, where the boys were silent around me. It was obvious that they did not know what to say or do. The best they could think of was to leave me alone. They did not even want to speak with me. Father Immer was the same. He did not even talk about kicking me out of the choir.

The world was a mean and crazy place. Even North Korea was testing missiles and there was no doubt that they wanted to create nuclear weapons. I wanted to blame God and be mad at life for allowing bad things to happen. I wanted to ask God how he could take away my mom! I needed her so much! I loved her!

February 8, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Life sucks!

I felt as if I was in a dark scary room and the door was locked. I could not find any positive thing that was happening in my life. Is it possible that a thirteen-year-old could get depression? That is what I felt like. Things were much easier when I was smaller. The thing was that I had no one to talk with. Dad was so worried and sad and worried. After all his wife was dying. Sarah was also silent.

At school, it was the same. Bella was not there. She was at her new school. There was no one I could talk with. I did not feel as if I could confide in Andrew. We did not talk about our deepest feelings. I missed Bella so much! I just wanted her to say something wise to me and make me feel better. I know I was being selfish. She was happier at her new school and was not being bullied. This being said, it was as if there was a hole in my life.

Billy always claimed that I was good at feeling sorry for myself. He was right. I honestly did not know how to cope with the fact that my best friend was at another school and the dark cloud that Mom could die any day. I could hardly sleep as I thought about all the problems I had. Once again, I remembered how happy I was when I was a toddler. When I felt like I should go to the toilet, for some reason I just stayed in bed and wet myself.

February 9, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Dad was frustrated when he noticed I once again wet the bed. He just looked at me and told me that he did not need “this” now. He could not cope with me. I was also confused. I knew that this time I wet the bed on purpose. Weirdly, when I was in the wet bed, I felt like I was a toddler again. I felt like I had no problems. In reality, I must be going mentally insane. What 13-year-old wets their bed?

I got in a fight today at school. Noah was teasing me about the necklace. It was the necklace that Mom gave me a few days earlier. While he was teasing me for wearing a girl's necklace, I launched at him and started to throw punches at him. I shouted at him that it was my mother's necklace and just continued to punch him. The other children separated us. Noah looked shocked and pale. It was the first time that I hit him back or even stood up to him. The other children were also mad at him, as they told him to have a heart. They reminded him (and me) that my mother was dying. I stormed off as I shouted to them all that I did not need their sympathy.

I was becoming one mad teenager, and Sarah could see this. When I was home she said that we needed to talk. She admitted that she thought life was cruel and was asking herself what did she do to deserve that her mom would die. We both had a good cry and then she told me to stop crying. “Mom raised us better,” she said, “She cannot see us feel sorry for ourselves and become bitter. She wants to go to heaven with us smiling and us making her proud. It will be hard for us, but we have each other. You will always be my brother and we can support each other. We can be there for each other and mom will always be in our hearts. Besides that, she is not dead yet. Let's make her smile while she waits to go to heaven.”

I was so lucky to have Sarah as a sister. She was smart and she was right. Now was the time when I had to see the beauty in life.

February 10, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Wet the bed again. At least no one suspected that I was doing it on purpose. They would either think that I was regressing or just being lazy.

I decided not to be so bitter and only think about myself. I would be brave and try to make people happy, especially our mom. Billy was showing a new side of himself. He moved back into his old room and was taking care of mom when he was not at work. He became a role model for me. His compassion and dedication to mom were outstanding. I was happy that Sarah was my sister, but for the first time in my life, I was proud that Billy was my brother.

Aunty wanted to talk with mom and me. She told me she knew how I could express my feminine side. She wanted to enter me in a talent show. She said I could dress up as a drag kid and dance. I was confused and when she explained to me what a drag queen was, I was more confused. I always thought that drag queens were very sexual and worked in adult places. I think Mom must have thought the same as Aunty explained that I would not be sexualized. I would simply be wearing a girl's outfit and some make-up and dancing on stage. She explained that she read that some boys in the USA had done this and were called drag kids. I could do what I always wanted. Perform and show my feminine side and be proud of it.

Mom was still confused as she thought I would be part of the pride scene. She made Aunty promise that it would be innocent and that I would be protected. Once she was satisfied with this, she told me that it was up to me. I told them that I needed to think about it.

February 11 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Did not wet the bed today.

I could not understand why Aunty wanted me to be a drag kid. I would be performing drag shows and I thought that I was too young for this. I did what any boy my age did and did my research on google. I was surprised to find that some boys have done it. One of them was called Desmond the Amazing. This made me think that it would just be me in a dress and some make-up and performing. Despite it being innocent and could be fun, people would never understand that I did it just to express my genderfluid side. They would think I was gay or making it to some gay rights issue. I was sure that I was not gay.

February 12, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

If you could talk Diary, what advice would you give? I wonder what people who read this would advise me to do. What would they think about a drag kid? Is it not just another name for a genderfluid boy or girl that likes to perform?

I wanted to ask Dad, but he had enough worries. I will also be honest, I was sure he would explode if I talked about it.

February 13, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I wet the bed on purpose again. Maybe it's the extra decision I had to make and aunty would expect an answer.

I did get a surprise today as Annie came to visit me. This was a surprise as recently she was just being mean to me or wanted to dress me as a baby. Today she was so nice. She even wanted to apologize for dressing me up and being such a bad girlfriend. I did forgive her and we just sat down beside mom and talked until she had to go.

When Annie went, mom said, “I don’t like that girl or trust her!”