Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

April 17-April 23, 2016

April 17 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

We went to church today. Father Immer was talking about sin and how we were all sinners and bad people and were doomed to eternity in hell. This got me thinking that why would God throw us in a hot burning hell for eternity for some mistakes we made in a short lifetime? After mass, Granny whispered in my ear that now I understand why she is trying to save my soul. I did not know how to respond.

Father Immer wanted to speak with me. He asked me if I wanted to be in the choir again. Granny had a big smile on her face. I told him that I had to think about it.

At home, I hid in my bedroom. I did not want anyone to see me. In fact, I would spend the rest of my life as a hermit. Then I just could be myself and not hear what people think I should wear and act. I would not be judged. I would not be confused. The fact is that I now have listened to Granny. I could see that she could be right when she said life would be so much easier if I acted like a normal teen boy. Then people would not think that I was weird and a sinner. She must be right. I was invited back to the choir.

April 18 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

After school. I asked Granny if I can visit Dad. Granny got upset about this and said that she did not think that would be wise. She did not think that Sarah or I needed Dad in our lives. Then she went on a rant about how our Dad was the worse Dad ever and could not even raise three children. She never did like him and did not like when he got married to our Mom. Then she smiled and said not to worry, as she has started the process to get custody of us.

I started to write a letter to Alberto who is the boy that I met in Greece. I was writing about everything that has been happening. I was afraid he would be confused. I dressed like a girl and then I didn't and then I did and now I don't. I also did my best to write that I was happy.

Sarah came to me and told me that she misses Dad. She knew that he was sad and had problems. She just felt as if Granny did not love us. I tried telling Sarah that Granny does care. This made Sarah roll her eyes and say, " A few weeks ago, you hated her and now you think she is so great. Granny has you under her spell."

April 19 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Annie told me she wanted to speak with me today. She told me that she wanted to be honest. There was little time to do this as Noah and the others were bugging me and doing their best to make me cry. When we did get some time together, she was silent for some time and then said that she was not ready to tell me this. I hate when people do this. They tell you that they want to say something and then they do not. This means I have to wait for ages for her to tell me and until then guess what she wants to tell me.

When I was home, Sarah asked me if she could practice on my hair. She wanted to be a hairdresser and needed hair to practice on. I figured that this would cheer her up. So for the next hour, she put every girl thing in my hair she could find and despite it was no longer as it once was, she managed to put it in a nice style. When I looked in the mirror, I could see it was very girly. I must admit that it did look pretty. We heard a gasp. Granny was standing at the door. She told me that we would have a talk later about this. It happened again. Someone told me I would have to wait and guess what would be said until then.

April 20 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I could not concentrate during class. I thought about if Sarah had a motive for making my hair look girly. I think the answer is clear. She thought that somehow Granny put a spell on me and that I would do anything Granny wanted. I could understand why she thought this. The problem was that Sarah did not know that Granny blackmailed me and I could understand why Granny wanted me to be normal. At the same time, Sarah just wanted to remind me that I was once happy being a boy or a girl. This made me smile. Sarah just wanted me to be happy.

Granny did not think this was good. She made me stand attention while she told me that she finally reforming me. I was being the boy that Granny did not have to be embarrassed about when I was with her. She did not want me to ruin her reputation by being destroyed by my sissy ways.

"I have to think if I can do this by myself. I want you to think about how better you have been when you did as I said. You are no longer immoral. You have taken the rainbow that the transgenders and gays have stolen and given it back to God. I will also have to decide if I can deal with Sarah by myself."

I told Granny that she promised to leave Sarah alone if I did what she wanted. Granny reminded me that I failed at this. Why was she making a big fuss about that Sarah was pretending to be a hairdresser?

April 21 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

It was Sarah's time to face Granny's wrath. Granny told Sarah that she was a bad influence on me. At first Granny tried being nice to Sarah by asking her did she want to be guilty of supporting my corruption or turning me into "one of those unwanted elements in society." Sarah did not fall for it and told Granny that I had a right to be the person that I wanted to be. Sarah also told Granny how she hated her and would never forgive her for putting me under a spell.

It ended in one big argument, where Granny lost her patience. She told Sarah she would not be allowed to do any more videos and that Granny would think of further punishments.

I went to my bedroom and looked out the window. I felt bad that everyone was arguing about me. Once again, everyone had a view on how I should dress and what I should wear. I did not know who was right and what I should do.

I must have fallen asleep, as when I woke up, the ghost of my mom was back again. She did not look happy. She held my hand and told me, "It's time you stop listening to others and trying to please everyone. It's time you listen to yourself. Decide what is important for you... how you dress. Decide what you want to do with life and how you want to live it. Start living your life doing things that make you happy and the world a better place to be."

the ghost of Mom disappeared making me think if what I saw was real or my imagination. It would be best if I told no one about this as they would think I was crazy.

April 22, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

After school, my cell phone rang. It was Doctor Mary. She wanted to know why I forgot my appointment. I explained that I was trying to be normal and act more like a teen boy. Doctor Mary sighed when I said that Granny was being nice and she was showing me right from wrong.

Doctor Mary told me that it did not make a big difference if I got shots or not. The medicine I got from the crazy doctor would have delayed puberty for a long time. She could also respect if the gender-fluid feelings I had was just a phase I was going through. Doctor Mary reminded me that it was my choice. At any rate, she would still like to see me and keep an eye on my development.

If the shots Doctor Mary were not needed, why did she give them to me?

April 23, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Beyonce released a new album called “Lemonade”. She is not someone I listen a lot to so it was not big news. The only reason why I paid attention to it was that it made me think of Dad. I am sure that he did not like Beyonce and considered her a contender for Madonna's throne. If Madonna released new music, then maybe it would cheer him up.

At any rate, I decided that I would visit Dad, even if I was not allowed.

Billy visited us and told me that he needed to talk with me. He said, “It's hard being your brother especially since you started acting like a sissy and baby. I blamed you for getting all the attention and making our family so weird. I know I treated you badly, but was also proud of you that you were stubborn and finally decided that you were genderfluid or whatever it's called. The last year has been hard for everyone in this family. Sometimes I forgot how hard it can be for you and as a big brother, I was never there. I even blamed you for the problems I had.”

“All this being said,” he continued, “What is happening to you? The last year of your self-exploration and discovering who you are was not just a phase. You have let Granny have too much power. Do you not see what is going on? First, she threatens you that she would make Sarah's life a living hell if you did not do what she said. Then she suddenly becomes nice and wants to be your best friend. She is manipulating you and trying to confuse you and rework the way your mind is. She is deprogramming you and making you into a person that won't embarrass her. It's time you open your eyes to what is happening.”

Billy thought that I needed to get away from Granny. He suggested that I should move into his flat. It would be small, but I would have the freedom to be who I wanted.