Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

OCTOBER 18-24, 2015

I named the porcelain doll Rosie and promised Sarah that I would also take care of her. I also promised that Sarah could play with her. Sarah could be a strange sister and I knew she wanted me to be her sister. I think she was as confused as my gender identity as myself. Sarah was also a sister that supported me in the best way she knew. Giving up her favourite doll was a huge sacrifice.

No one mentioned the ad at choir, so this made me feel good. I did not know how the diaper ad would make me cool. So as far as I was concerned, the ad was best forgotten.

Annie saw it and came up to me afterwards saying that she could see it was me and it was so brave and cool that I have done the ad. She hugged me and said that she was so proud of me. I just stood there like a statue. This was the first hug that Annie gave me. It was like being on a pink cloud.

Dad was still mad and warned me that my model career was over. He promised that the only way I would be a model was if I cut my hair like any other boy and the ad was for normal clothes. Mom disagreed and told Dad that it was my career. It would my choice.

Sarah and went up to her room and we played with some of her dolls while we could hear our parents fight downstairs.

October 19, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today I woke up with sentences like “I should have been a girl.” and “God gave me the wrong body" going through my mind. These sentences repeated and repeated. It has happened before, I just was too embarrassed to write about it. It also was never a problem. It seemed as if it was more annoying than a problem. It did make me think that I liked Sarah's dress yesterday when we were playing, and in a way, I wished I was wearing it.

My project cool was not working. I still got teased and bullied and people thought I was a sissy. I should accept who I am and be proud of it. At least that's what the voices were telling me. The photoshoot did not make me famous and if people could see it was me, my life would have been hell.

I had two friends. One was a girl that was bullied because everyone thought she was transgender and the other one was a boy that was gay. I didn't think about these things when I was with Bella and Andrew. I just thought they were nice and fun to be with. I think that's a lot more than many others had.

October 20, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Bella asked me what I will be at the Halloween party. I did not even consider this.

I had bigger problems. My clothes seemed too big. It seemed like my trousers were always slipping down and I looked like I was wearing my father's clothes. I have been noticing this for some time, but never took it seriously. I mean, it's impossible to shrink. Humans get taller and they don't shrink! Yet every day, I seem to get smaller. Sarah looks like my older sister now, because she is taller.

I told my mom that I was getting smaller. She looked a bit worried but tried to tell me the clothes were old and this may appear as if I am getting smaller.

October 21, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I got some painkillers when I woke up as well as my vitamin pill.

Mom asked Dad if there was money so I could buy new clothes. Dad said there wasn't. This caused another argument as mom wanted to know why and Dad had no real excuse. I heard mom telling Dad that she was very worried as I was getting smaller. This made Dad laugh and say that was ridiculous.

Mom told me not to go to Bella today. When I came home, she had some new clothes on my bed. She was in tears. She told me that she threw Billy's old clothes out as she read something about not letting children wear hand me downs, as they should have their own identity. She told me that I could wear my old uniform and these were some of Sarah's old clothes. Bella's grandmother also gave me some of Bella's old clothes. Mom promised that she tried to pick those that were most boyish.

I put on a purple top with a unicorn and some jeans with flowers sewn in the legs. I know that I should have been very mad. However, I felt pretty and I was happy.

I asked Sarah if she wanted to play with her dolls.

October 22, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

I have never been so happy than I was now. I didn't mind the pains anymore, I didn't mind the voices in the morning. The only thing I wished for was that I was stronger.

However, I was so happy that I was wearing Sarahs and Bellas clothes. Mom promised that she tried to pick the boyish clothes. I can assure you that they were very girlish. I loved that I did not care. I now accepted that I liked dressing as a girl. It made me feel happy. I do not think that I believed I was a girl in a boys body. I just thought that society was wrong at deciding what boys should wear and what girls should wear. Should we just not wear what made us happy?

I have now accepted that I was a sissy. The word sissy did not mean anything negative for me. It was a good word that showed that I was happy and not afraid to show who I was or what I liked.

I wanted to tell the whole world this. However, Mr Lewis called and said that he already had a new photoshoot for me. This would be a normal one for boys clothes. I said straight away that I would. Dad shouted no and that ended with another argument between mom and Dad.

I hid up in Sarah's room and we were drawing pictures while it sounded like there was a world war under us. Sarah asked if Dad did not want me to be happy.

October 23, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Mom told me that I was allowed to do the new advertisement. I was smiling. Dad said nothing during all breakfast except ask if it was a nightdress I was wearing. I did not answer and dad just said that this family was like the twilight zone. Sarah tried her best to make things better by asking Dad if he loved me.

He did not answer.

After school, I was at Bella's. She changed her clothes as I stayed in my school uniform. I know that she could see some changes with me, but she would never say what they were. The only thing that she said was that she was getting a lot stronger than me.

Then I told her that we had to speak. I told her that we were best friends and there should be no secrets between us. Then I took a deep breath and told her that I was a sissy. I wore girl clothes at home. I told her that I liked it this way and I was very happy.

Bella laughed and said that she knew as she found some clothes to give to granny. Bella said that she knew I was struggling with this for some time, and she was happy I finally found my identity. I smiled back thinking now that I told her my secret, she would tell me she was transgendered. Bella did not do this.

A huge hurricane hit Central America. It was the most second-most intense hurricane ever recorded. There were winds of 215 mph. That's a lot!

October 24, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today mom said that she did not want to go to see my aunt. She didn't have the energy to do so. She was doubting my aunt's innocence.

I told them that I had an important announcement,

“You all know that I have been confused since summer.” I started, “Everyone always thought that I look like a girl and this bothered me. Then everyone thought I was transgendered, and this was hard for me to understand. It didn't help that many were telling me how I should feel and telling me I am a boy or I am transgendered. I just want to let you all know. I am not transgender. I am a sissy. I do not think sissy is a bad word. I think it means that I like my girly side and I like feeling like a girl. I like looking like a girl. I like girl clothes and toys. I also like being a boy. If this makes me a freak, then so be it. I am happy being a sissy and I harm no one. This is what should count”

My family sat there with open mouths, unable to say anything

To be continued