Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 22- 28, 2016

May 22, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

I was now done trying to please Granny and acting like her little angel. She promised that she would not send Sarah away if I started acting like a boy. I did everything that Granny wanted. This only made me miserable. I have not been happy for a long time.

In a way, I was mad at myself. I believed that there could be some good in a person and believed at times that Granny was being nice to me. Everyone around me told me that she was manipulating me and trying to make me believe that being feminine was bad and a sin. She was confusing me into believing that I was corrupted and misled. I could not see that not being able to express my identity made me unhappy and just wanted to hide from society and life.

Granny is supposed to be a role model. What sort of role model manipulates others, lies and deceives? Granny made a promise she did not keep. She tried to destroy my spirit and nearly succeeded. If Granny loved us, she would love the way we were and not try to change us. She would not make us go to sleep with tears in our eyes.

I would now take control back in my life, I did not know how I would do this. All I knew is that I would no longer trust Granny or try to please her. She no longer had any power over me.

The first thing I did was at Church. We were all standing outside the church when I went up to Noah and told him, “I know that you are a bully. You have bullied me a lot over the years. I think you must be so sad. You must have some problems and this makes you want to hurt others. I just want you to know that I have prayed for you and I forgive you for everything you've done to me.”

Everyone looked at me when I said this. Noah grumbled something that I was weird. Annie asked me did I think that forgiveness would stop him. Granny told me that she was proud of me. I glared at Granny and told her that I also prayed for her that her stone heart would be cured. This made Granny lose her temper with everyone watching. I was smiling.

May 23, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Noah did not bully me today. I now believe in miracles.

After school, my teacher came to our house to tutor me. Granny was once again trying to be nice. I think that the teacher could see through the act. She told Granny that she thought it was a mistake to send me to a military school and Sarah to a boarding school. If Granny wanted to send us away, she should consider the school where Bella went. The school accepted students that would be bullied at a normal public school. These included transgenders, students with weight problems, bladder problems and whatnot. It would be a place where Sarah and I would be accepted and have friends. My teacher thought we would be happy there.

Granny replied that she would not send us to a school that supported our wicked ways. She thought Bellas school was most likely run by communist and socialist liberalists that had no fear of God. She wanted to send us to a school that would not corrupt us further. The boarding school and military school would sort us out.

My teacher asked Granny if she respected us or wanted us to be happy.

Granny did not answer.

May 23, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

When I came home from school. I decided to make a video for my youtube channel. Let me write to you what I decided to tell the world.

“I have something to tell the whole world. I was born a boy and for the first 13 years of my life, I was happy being a boy. A year ago I forgot my clothes when we went to Greece and wore my sister's clothes. There was a picture of me as a girl in the newspaper. My aunt sent me to some crazy doctor that gave me medicine that I would always be small and she screwed with my mind so that I started thinking it's okay to be a girl.

Now I have decided that I will no longer listen to Granny or others. I am genderfluid and I am proud of it. I can be a boy when I want to. I can also dress and act like a girl when I want to. This may mean I get bullied and people like Granny think I am a bad person. This is their problem. I never want to hurt anyone, but I think I am old enough to decide my identity. If others do not respect me, then it's them who have the problem”

I went to bed smiling and proud of myself.

May 23, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

After school. I searched the whole house and found the key to Sarah's and my rooms. I then locked our rooms. I told Sarah we should lock our rooms so Granny could not take our things. She liked this idea. Granny did not like the idea. I did not care about this. I told her we needed our privacy and we could not trust her that she would steal our things. I expected Granny to put up a big fight or call a locksmith. She just shrugged her shoulder and said that Mom did the same when she was my age. Granny told us we would discuss the keys tomorrow

The first thing Sarah and I did in our new locked rooms was to do another video for Sarah's channel. She sang a song from Christina Aguilera called “Beautiful.” Sarah was a talented singer and her success on Youtube showed that I was not the only one that believed this. The song also had a great message that we should love ourselves.

I was so proud of my sister. I also felt that we had a small victory that our bedrooms were now locked. Besides it meant that Granny could not steal our things, it also showed her there was a space where we did not want her in.

May 26, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Andrew was the happiest I had ever seen him. When I asked him what happened, he said that he now had a new boyfriend. His boyfriend was a year older than he was. Andrew hoped that I would not be jealous. I smiled and told him that I was very happy that he found a new boyfriend. What I did not tell him was that I thought this happened very fast. A week or so he kissed me and now he had a boyfriend. I was also afraid that this meant Andrew would have no time for me. He would be doing smoochy things with his new boyfriend. I did not say this to him either. He was so happy and I did not want to ruin this.

When we came home Granny wanted me to delete the video where I told the world I was genderfluid. She also told Sarah to delete hers. I told her that I no longer cared what she wanted and she could sod off.

Granny said that she had a story for us, “When your mother was a teen, she locked her room as well. I could have found a way to open it, but I did not. I wanted your mother to hand back the key to me. It took a bit of convincing and persuading, but she did hand the key back to me. The same will happen to both of you. You will be begging me to take the key back again.”

Did Granny just declare war on us?

May 27, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

The video I made admitting I was genderfluid was getting many likes. People were commenting that I should have courage and be true to myself. Many thought that Granny should be locked up somewhere and was just a selfish old fashioned lady. Some supported Granny's stance. I did not care what these people thought. It was me that made a choice. If they do not like the way I am, then they can keep away from me. I did not need negative people in my life.

I visited Annie after school. I showed her the video I have done. Annie smiled and said that it was about time I decided for myself. I asked her if she still had the bag of her old clothes. So I went home with the bag of Annie's old clothes and put them in my wardrobe. I went to bed with a smile on my face.

As I was falling asleep, I saw the ghost of Mom standing in my bedroom. She did not say anything except smile.

May 28, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

A gorilla was shot at a zoo today because a three-year-old child managed to get into the gorilla's enclosure. Lots of people said that it was a shame that the animal was shot. It was sad, but I suppose that they wanted to keep the child safe. I know that I will be having nightmares about this.

I wore some of Annie's clothes, leggings and a unicorn shirt. Granny told me to take them off. I told her that she no longer decided what I should wear or how I should act. Then I informed her that I was going over to Bellas. I asked Sarah to come, but she said that she was busy doing something.

Bella was glad to see me. She had seen my video and noticed what I was wearing. She was delighted the Allie she knew was back. I smiled at this. Then Bella told me that there was soon a pride parade and wondered if I would come. She explained it was for gays and transgenders and people that were different. She thought that we should dress up. I was in doubt. I told her that I thought pride was just for adults and besides that, I did not think I was gay. Bella laughed and said we were different. I told her I had to think of this.

When I came home, I tried to find Sarah. I could not find her. I could hear her crying. I searched the whole house. In the end, I found my sister. Granny locked her in the cupboard under the stairs.