Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

July 26 - August 1, 2015

July 26, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today we did not go to Church or the choir. Dad said he was not in a mood to talk to God yet. So we ended up visiting mom. These visits make me so sad. The nurse says to try and speak with her. She could hear us. I was not so sure about that was true. Still, I told her that I missed her. I let her know that we were doing fine, as Aunty was taking care of us. I also told mom that sometimes aunty was confusing, and she read too much!

I looked at Google and found out that Aunty thinks I consider myself a girl, although I have a boy's body. This is total nonsense. I was happy being a boy. I had no desire to go around in dresses and looking like a sissy. Maybe my hair is long. Mom likes it long and it looks nice. It's people's problem if they think I look like a girl!

Aunty thought I needed diapers. At first, I thought was 13 years old wears diapers in bed was weird. Then at the shop, I saw that they had pull-ups that fitted 15-year-olds. This makes me think that I am not the only one that wets the bed. This may be true, but I will not admit that I need diapers.

Aunty already put a rubber sheet on my bed. What is next? Does she want me to sleep in a crib? The rubber sheet makes so much noise. Every time I move a muscle, then it makes a noise. How am I ever to invite Andrew in my room or how would I have my first kiss with Annie?

Why is being a teenager so hard?

July 27, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today Aunty took me to the psychiatrist. I expected Dad to complain about the expense and say there was no need. He was depressed about mom and when he was home, he just sat on his chair and looked at the TV. I hoped that our trip to Greece would cheer him up.

We had to wait for ages in the waiting room. There was a girl there my age and she was just as pretty as Annie. I was to shy to speak with her. At one stage, when she looked at me, I did not want her to see me blush, so I picked up a doll and pretended to fix the doll's clothes. The pretty girl was called to the office. I was confused as she stood up. It looked like she was wearing a diaper. It must be my imagination. No pretty girl would wear a diaper.

When it was my turn, I was alone with the psychiatrist who was a nice old woman. She started talking about how I reminded her of the girl that was in the office just before. She told me that the girl was once a boy but now lives as a girl. The girl did not want to grow up so she would soon be living as a toddler girl. The next time I will see her, she will be smaller!

I was in shock. How can she be smaller and why did she want to live as a girl?

The shrink started asking me about my bedwetting and how people thought that I was a girl. She even asked me if I liked playing with Sarah's toys and if I liked her clothes.

This convo was getting too weird. The shrink could see that I was uncomfortable. Then she reminded me that she knew I was playing with a doll in the waiting office. She didn't believe me when I said it was because I was blushing. Then I was asked do I miss being a toddler. I decided not even to answer that.

“You are a teen” the psychiatrist explained, “but you have an identity crisis. It seems to me that you have the spirit and the thoughts of a girl, and this means that the boy's body you have is a mistake and confuses your identity. You wet the bed and diapers would help you. I feel like you miss the security and peace you had when you were younger.”

She promised me that I would get help. I would get some vitamin pills I could take every day and she would give me a shot now. I would get a few more shots after we were in Greece.

She gave me a shot in my arm and it hurt like hell. I started crying. The old woman did not console me, she just sighed and said I didn't tell her that I cry so easily.

I heard her tell aunty that I got a puberty blocker and will need these once a month. She said the tablets are hormones and the big shot is an AR shot. Aunty seemed pleased.

I was mad. I was not sure, but it seemed they wanted me to be like that girl that went in before me. I did not say a word all day and refused to speak with my aunt. The only time I spoke was when I yelled and chased Sarah all over the house because she painted faces on the planet paper mache art piece I made.

July 28, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

4 days to Greece. I wet the bed again. I am still mad at my aunt because I think she is trying to turn me into a girl.

I decided that she would not do this to me. I was born a boy and I will die a boy. God made me a boy and he does not make mistakes. Well, he did make vegetables that did not taste good. The point was that I would ignore aunty and refuse to be something I am not.

If I only had willpower.

It all started when I was sitting watching TV. Aunty sat down next to me and asked me if I was mad at her. I shouted at her that I was a boy and I would stay a boy and I refused any tablet she wanted to give me. I saw a tablet that shrink gave her. She obviously wanted to give it to me.

“Your mom will not be home for a while.” she said, “We can be enemies or friends. The tablets and shots are because I think you want to be a girl. The psychiatrist thinks so. It is only normal that you are denying and fighting to what is deep inside you. You will one day make up your mind if you are a boy or a girl. This medication is just to help. I am not mean or hate you. I respect if you finally decide to live as a boy. Let's give it a few months and then you will know.”

This was totally ridiculous. Do all boys get this talk? Are they asked if they really are a girl in the wrong body? I was about to say no until Sarah came in. she was dressed in a white summer dress with small ladybugs. It was so pretty. It looked so comfortable. My heart was beating so quickly. Then it hit me. Was I jealous because Sarah had this dress? Why did I react like this? Was Aunty right?

I took the tablet from Aunty and agreed that time would make us wiser. I also told her that this bedwetting is not stopping. I needed diapers at night.

Now I will finish here and ask God for will power.

July 29, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today we visited Mom again. It's strange that I cry over the smallest thing but did not cry about her. I told her about the trip to Greece. I did not tell her about the pills I was getting or that I admitted that I needed a diaper.

That night aunty told me that she would help me with the diaper. She said she did not like pullups so she got me a normal diaper. It was not normal. It was a girl one with butterflies and pink elastic. I decided that I will not protest about them. The less time she spent getting me changed, the less time she can see me in my birthday suit.

Wearing a diaper was so strange. I felt like a baby. Why did I agree to this?

July 30, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today I packed my suitcase after aunty asked a few thousand times if I packed. I suspect that she was just like my mom and would check my suitcase after and change half the clothes to clothes she thought was better. I was proud when she said she trusted me. It's not hard packing. Shorts and T-shirts. What more do I need?

I thought I was finished until Aunty asked did I remember clothes if it was cool...

Later she asked if I remembered nice clothes if we went somewhere posh...

later she asked if I remembered my toothpaste.

When she was helping me with the diaper that night, she told me that I often thought like a toddler. She warned me not to be upset. Boys were not as mature as girls and she read that many boys would rather be a toddler again if they had the choice.

Dad told us that he did not want to go to Greece. He did not want to leave mum. It was agreed that we would go with aunty.

My aunt says the strangest things again. Then again, I was in bed wearing a diaper.

July 31, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Today was the day when we were going to Greece, It was chaos as everyone seemed to be running around the house making sure they had everything. I was ready so I tried to be with daddy. I tried telling him to make sure mom knew that we loved her and the holiday wouldn't be the same without them. Dad didn't say anything. He was no longer himself but just a shell of his former self.

Just as we were waiting to go, aunty called me in my room. She told me that she did want to take chances. I was to wear a diaper while we traveled. I never wet during the day. I was asked what happens if I slept on the plane. I suppose Aunty had a point and I just wanted to get out of here.

In the taxi to the airport, Billy was disappointed with me. He asked me what 13-year-old allow someone to put diapers on them? I scowled back and did not want to talk about it.

The fact is that I thought people would notice. Diapers are big and bulky. No one mentioned it. A few called me a girl and some even called Sarah my big sister.

When we came to the hotel, we had a crisis. In other words, I had a crisis. Everyone else had their suitcase and clothes. Aunty told me we must have left my suitcase at home.

I cried for an hour

What will I do?

August 1, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today started badly. I was so sad that I had no suitcase and no clothes. Aunty told me that it was good that she bought an extra toothbrush. She promised me we would find a solution that day, but I could wear what I wore yesterday.

Aunty turned her attention to Sarah and asked why she bought 2 suitcases. Sarah was confused and reminded aunty that it was aunty that packed.

We decided to explore the old town and some ruins of a temple and other things. I loved being in Greece. The problem was there were more tourists than Greeks and not everyone spoke English.

This will be the best holiday ever. Tomorrow Aunty told me what she decided to do about my clothes. I look forward to shopping for new clothes!

To be continued