Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

September 20-26, 2015

September 20, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

I do not know why I was crying in bed all morning, It should have been one of the best days of my life. I did not wet the bed. Yet, here I was crying my head off. It seems that everything was wrong in my life. I had no friends now as Andrew and Bella were ignoring me. My sister was mad at me and Billy thought I was so weird. Even Dad hardly even spoke with me anymore.

Some people are simply not likable. Maybe I am one of them!

The choir was not the same. I half expected the boys to tease me, but they were all silent. I can tell you when you are not popular, at least teasing is some interaction you have with others. However, silence and being ignored is the worse thing anyone can experience.

After prayers, Father Immer told me that he wanted to speak with me.

“I notice the way the other boys are with you” he explained, “You are at an age where a boy needs friends. Teenagers can always be mean to each other. I can see you are special. You are more sensitive and delicate than the other boys. Your singing voice and the fact that you are very small means that you are different. I know this must be a lonely time for you. If you ever need to talk, you should know that I am here.”

As I left, Father Immer told me that it even seemed like I was not growing!

Bella was waiting outside the Church. She told me that she was avoiding me because she found it hard believing that I would lie that I was dying. When I told her the whole story, she understood better. She asked me if we were still friends. I hugged her,

Bella told me that we were alike. The girls at school did not like her either.

September 21, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I did not wet the bed for the second day. I rushed down and told mom. She smiled and said that she knew it was only a phase as all the parenting books said the same. Mom also said that I do not need to wear diapers anymore!

I was so happy! I did not have to wear diapers and Bella was once again a friend.

I decided to end the feud with Sarah. When I came home from school, I asked her if she wanted to play dolls. Sarah became so excited and happy. As we played dolls, I told Sarah that we should never hate each other and fight as we did. She was my sister and I would always be there for her. She was more important than any friend that I could have.

Sarah hugged me and said she was sorry for how mean she was. She knew I was a boy, but missed me being her sister. I smiled and told her we should play with the dolls. Once again I was in a fantasy world that made me forget everything else. The dolls became a reality. I felt like all my problems disappeared.

I was sad when mom called us down to supper.

Dad congratulated me during supper about the fact that I did not need diapers anymore. He laughed and said that he was worried for some time, that I was one of the gay drag queens. I did not know what he meant by that, but at least he was now paying attention to me.

Sarah told them as she chomped on her food that she suspected that I would marry soon as she could see that Bella fancied me. That made me laugh so much

September 22, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I was no longer a baby wetting the bed and slowly people were forgiving me for the lie about dying. It was about time that I had put my old plan of what I should achieve as a teenager back on plan. I needed to be seen as one of the cool boys. In this way, Annie would finally notice me.
I called it "project teenager".

The school was going better. At least they were not ignoring me. One girl noticed that Sarah was growing fast and I still was 4 ft 7. That did not bother me. I would show them that being cool had nothing to do with my size.

After school, I went to the sheds by the school. This is where the cool boys stood and smoked. At first, they laughed and said that girls are not allowed. Then an older boy called Patrick said that I could stay. He was 16 and to be honest, I never really spoke with him.

Noah was there and started asking me a lot of questions about Andrew. He asked me if Andrew was my best friend. When I admitted that he was, they all asked if Andrew was gay. I did not think and admitted that I thought he could be. Then they all started laughing and started assuming that we were boyfriends. I stood up for myself and told them I fancied a girl.

Noah was not done yet. He asked me if Bella was a girl. Noah spoke with some girls and they thought that Bella was not a girl. This confused me. I shouted that Bella was a girl. I was at her house!

It was dark now behind the shed. I haven't realized that we were there for hours. One boy offered me a cigarette. At first, I said no, but I also knew that I had to show that I was cool. I put it in my mouth and lit it. There was a huge flame. This scared me. I realized that I lit the cigarette on the wrong side. I lit the filter side which poofed up in flames.

The other boys laughed and Patrick said he had to go. He said he lived close to me and we could walk together.

I walked in shame and was so embarrassed. Patrick said nothing until we came to my house. Patrick told me I should want people to like me for who I was. He told me that I was different, and this made me special.

September 23, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

The boys teased me at school. Andrew must have heard that I said he was gay, as he pushed me as hard as he could in the school hallway. He shouted that he thought that we were friends.

I was glad to be home. I was depressed because my “project teenager” seemed to be a failure. I could even have lost Andrew as a friend. Annie didn't notice me. Patrick summed it up. I was not like other boys. I was different.

I listened to the music that the shrink gave me. It did calm me down. I had to accept that I was different. This could not bad. At least I was not mean with others and have to work so hard at being popular. Sarah was younger, and she would soon experience the pressure of being popular. Things were much easier when I was a toddler. I was happy and had no problems.

After I listened to the music, I found Sarah that was trying new dresses on. It ended that we both started dressing up in her dresses and clothes. I was surprised how pretty I looked when I saw myself in the mirror wearing clothes. I was also amazed at how happy I felt and the fun Sarah and I had. She was so lucky that she could be a girl.

Our game was interrupted when Dad shouted and told me that I should be ashamed. He ordered me to put my boy clothes on. Sarah defended me by shouting back to leave her sister alone.

September 24, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today I woke up crying. I had pains all over my body. I did everything to try and get rid of the pains. I curled myself in a ball and told God that I did not want to die. Mom heard me screaming and crying and said it was growing pains. She gave me a warm bubble bath until the pains subsided.

Swimming was the last class today. After class, I waited outside the school for Bella. It still bothered me that the boys said that she was a boy living as a girl. This could not be true... could it? I mean she is so pretty and she doesn't even act like a boy. The only strange thing was the picture of a boy in her house and the fact that her mother was so dominant.

I also heard two girls that came out before Bella did. One asked “ Why does Bella not shower with us? Why does she use her own shower?”

When Bella came, we talked about normal things.

September 25, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I still had pains when I woke up, but they were not that bad.
I was early at school. I sat outside thinking about Bella and how Andrew could forgive me.

Annie came up and sat next to me. My heart was suddenly beating so hard. The girl of my dreams was finally sitting next to me. She was the love of my life! She was .. well you know.

She told me that she likes that I am different. She heard a lot of rumors about me. She did not care if I wore diapers. She did not care if I was a sissy. Annie admired my courage to be who I was. She loved the fact that I did not follow the flock. I will be honest. I thought she would say that she fancied me. This would be the happiest moment In my life.

She did not say this, she said she wished that I was her baby sister.

September 26, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today we visited Aunty. Nothing much was said. However, before we went, she told me she wanted to say something to me. She told me that she could see that I was confused and sad. I was silent. She finished by saying not to fight my destiny and remember how happy I was in Greece.

On my way home, I thought about Alberto. He never did write to me. I missed the teddy that he gave me.

When I came home, the neighbor called my mother and me over. His name was Mr. Lewis. He said he was a photographer and did pictures for catalogs. He looked at mom and said that I was unique and very pretty. He wanted me to be in some pictures with a new sports line that was coming out. Mom was informed on how much I would get paid and that she would need to sign a contract.

Mom said she had to think about it. I was a bit confused. Did I look cute enough that someone thought I could be a model? Did I even want to be a model?

To be continued