Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 17-23 , 2016

January 17, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

According to Google, a soulmate “ is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, platonic relationships, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, compatibility and trust.” I suppose that defines the relationship Bella and I have. I feel very lucky to know someone like that!

That was about the only good news I had today. Father Immer told me that he was concerned about the choir. Some boys were saying that they did not want me there. They told Father Immer that I was gay and a sissy. The boys thought that I would corrupt them. They did not want me in the choir. Some even threatened to stop if I continued. Father Immer sighed and said the boy's parents were now demanding that I would be kicked out.

Father Immer told me that he knew that I was different. He thought that I should reflect on my choices and pray for guidance. It was also his duty to tell me that God created man and woman, as he did not create transgenders. God made it also clear that being gay was a sin. If I wanted to stay in the choir, I had to be pure of heart.

I was sad all day. This was not what Father Immer said last month. He told me I should be happy. Now that I was happy, he was telling me that I was a sinner. He also called me gay. I did not think that I was gay. I may have had some weird dreams, but no one knew about them. Why would anyone think that I am gay?

Mom could see that I was sad. She told me that tomorrow we would be shopping for dresses and other nice clothes tomorrow. This should have made me smile.

January 18, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Bella would not be at school all week. I missed her so much! At least Andrew was at school. I told him about what Father Immer said, and Andrew became upset saying that it seemed to be against the law to be different. This is why he did not want others to know that he was gay. Months ago I told everyone that he was, and since then he had no friends. I felt sorry for Andrew. It also made me think that I was not the only one being bullied. I bet that millions of teens around the world were getting bullied. The world could be so cruel.

Noah did not get expelled for beating up Bella. He was just suspended. This seemed so wrong. Where was there any justice? He should have been thrown into jail and the key is thrown away!

Mom took Sarah and me shopping after school. Sarah wanted clothes that girls her age wore. Now that she was 11, she thought she shouldn't wear clothes a 10-year-old was too young to wear. I wish that I could say the same. Mom found girl clothes for me, but they were clothes and 8 year old would wear. I was now not as tall as Sarah, despite that I was older. Sarah even considered herself my older sister as she told me what would look cute on me. Despite that some of the clothes we got looked very childish, I could also see that they were cute. Maybe I did not think like a teen. I definitely did not want things like bras and high heels. I was too shy to have belly tops.

On the way out of the shop, mom collapsed. We thought that she fainted. There was suddenly a large group around us. Sarah was in tears seeing her mother on the ground. I was very worried. When mom recovered, she was apologising to everyone and made excuses that her sugar levels must have been low. She did say that she thought it was better that we took a taxi home as she did not want to faint as she drove.

Dad complained about the money spent on our clothes. Not a word was said about mom collapsing, as mom made us promise we would not tell Dad. She did not want him to worry. This did not stop me from being worried about what mom.

January 19, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Annie spoke to me at school today. She asked me if I missed her and I still loved her. I did not know what to answer, so I told her that I have moved on. I thought it was best that we were to remain friends. She teased me then and said she always knew I had a crush on her. To this, I replied that love must be given and received. Being as brave as I could, I told her that everyone thought that she only wanted to be my girlfriend because I could be famous. I also asked what girlfriend wanted her boyfriend in a diaper and that I was not a doll!

Annie got mad and told me that how would a sissy like me know what love was? I never lost my cool, but I did when she started saying this. I blurted that I kissed Bella and Bella knew how to respect and love others. Annie stormed off and told me that I would regret the day that I kissed Bella

Annie was right in one thing... what do teens know about love?

January 20, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I hate the school! Today was a very bad day. Annie told me that she would get revenge and I must admit that she kept her promise. I did not know this at first. Everyone was snickering while pointing at me and laughing. What was different than any other day? The other children were calling me a sissy and also a baby. This was nothing new. Despite that Noah was suspended, everything seemed the same.

Then I found out what the problem was. Annie showed everyone a picture of me at her house wearing a dress. The dress clearly showed that I was wearing a diaper. After I heard about this, I hid behind the bike shed. I think that I spent the rest of the day crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Andrew found me and for a while, we were just sitting and not saying a word. I finally whimpered that my life is ruined.

“How can it be ruined?” Andrew asked, “You have been teased because of this for the last half of a year. There was a picture of you in a dress when you were in Greece and a picture of you in the newspaper a month ago. People here do not know you. They are idiots because they do not take time to get to know the kind person in the pictures. You are my best friend and always will be.”

I smiled thinking I had something many others did not have. I had a genuine friend!

January 21, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Not much happened today. Billy visited us with his dirty clothes to be washed. He was nice for once and didn't complain about everything. He even said that he missed us. I was wearing an overall dress and tights, and he did not even comment on that. I stand corrected, Billy did say that he missed his two sisters. I was shocked. He called me his sister and he meant it in a kind way.

Mom was in bed. She did not even have the energy to be with us. Dad was telling her that she should go and see the doctor. It was very clear that she was very sick. Mom was being brave and told us not to worry.

January 22, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Dad wanted to have a serious talk with me today. He started by telling me that life was not easy for me. I was finding my true identity. An identity, not even he understood. To make things worse, pictures of me in a dress has been in the newspaper several times and he heard about the picture circulating in the school yesterday. Dad told me that I needed space and privacy to find my own identity. I did not need publicity and the whole world judging me. Then dad dropped the bomb. He told me that in order to give me privacy, he told Mr Lewis that I would not be modelling anymore.

I did not know if I should be mad or not. I did not protest because I knew that Dad was worried about me and my mother. Dad never wanted me to model. Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed privacy and not be judged everywhere.

January 23, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Aunty moved in today as she did a half year ago. Despite that she tried to kill mom that time and treated me like a baby girl, Mom asked her once again to take care of us. I was afraid of what this meant. How could my parents trust aunty? What would she do to this family this time?