Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

April 24-April 30, 2016

April 24, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Granny told me that she wanted me to tell Father Immer that I would rejoin the choir. She said that we should always do what a priest asked and besides that, God gave me the gift of a beautiful voice that has not broken yet. It was embarrassing when she talked about my voice not breaking. Most of the boys my age have experienced this. It just reminded me that I was 13 but still looked and sounded like a small boy. That crazy doctor and what she has done to me would haunt me for the rest of my life.

I visited Bella after Church. I only saw her once a week when she was home. She asked me if I did speak with Father Immer. I told her no. I was tired of people telling me what to do. I just wanted to hide in my bedroom all the time. I would be happy if I have seen no one except Sarah, Andrew, Annie and of course Bella. This made Bella and she admitted that she missed me when she was away at school. She wished that I could be at her school.

When I was home, Sarah told me she wanted to do another video. The last one was a huge success. She did not care that Granny told her she was not allowed.

April 25, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Annie told me that she was brave enough to tell me what she had been wanting to tell me for weeks. She took a deep breath and asked me did I remember the time she dressed me up and put me in diapers. I smiled and said it was a bit hard to forget. Then Annie said, "It's strange you never thought of where the diapers came from. The truth is I may be popular at school, but if people knew my secret, my life would be hell." Annie told me that she wet the bed and needed diapers. She always hoped it would get better when she became a teen, but it was still a problem. I thanked Annie for telling me all this and it did not change how I viewed her as a person.

This is not true. It explained why Annie always wanted me in a diaper. She did not feel alone when I was in diapers. This made me think that she was not evil and did not want me as a doll when she dressed me as a baby girl. Annie thought it was something that we had in common. It also makes me think that no one is perfect. There is no such thing as being normal. We are all different with different feelings, talents and problems.

I helped Sarah do her new video. She decided to do a Taylor Swift song. I always was told that I was a good singer, but Sarah really has talent and it's obvious she has fun singing and doing these videos.

April 26, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Today Noah punched me in the stomach. Besides this hurt, it is like a nightmare as it's hard to breathe for a while. Noah shouted that I was a sissy pretending to be a boy. I corrupted others into being sissies, gay and babies. He even said I must be Satan's son that was sent to the school to corrupt everyone. Noah could be strange. I was not corrupting anyone. Everyone at school hates me and kept their distance from me. I admit that I have identity problems, but this only hurts myself and my reputation. Why can Noah not see that being a bully is far worse? He uses violence to lash out at people. It shows how dark his soul is and it's him that has problems!

Billy tried to visit us today however Granny did not allow him in. She told him that he was a bad influence on Sarah and me and was a bad person. She did not want him to visit us again. This made me sad. Billy did make a mistake that time he took drugs. However, he sorted his life out and was no longer as grumpy as he once was. Why would Granny want to disown him? Did she not remember our mom's wishes that we would be a family that loved each other and supported each other?

Was Granny getting rid of everyone that challenged her? Aunty was gone, Dad was in some padded room and now Billy was no longer allowed to visit. Did Granny want full control of Sarah and me?

April 27, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Billy met me outside the school when it was done. He was mad and sad about Granny. He had the same thoughts as me. It was Granny's fault that Aunty was gone and Dad was locked up. Granny wanted to have custody of Sarah and me so she could change us into her little trophies. I tried telling Billy that she was nice but just old-fashioned. I believed that she did care about us. Billy sighed at this and told me that her being nice to me was an act. She was manipulating me and never cared how I felt or wanted to be.

Billy still wanted me to come and live with him. I told him that I was grateful for his offer, but never can never leave Sarah alone. We needed each other and promised each other that we would always be together. I think my answer made Billy sad, but at the same time, he understood this and wished he had the relationship with someone that Sarah and I had.

Later, Sarah and I were playing with her dolls. Sarah did say that her classmates would think she was too old for dolls, but it was fun doing it with me. I admit that it was relaxing. The problem was that Granny caught us and started yelling that there was no hope for me. I was once again confused. Why was playing with dolls so bad?

April 28, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Granny made me stand attention again today. She told me that she tried to reform me and become the person that I was meant to be. However, I have disappointed her again and again with my sissy ways. She told me that I would now be sent to a military school in the next term. I told her there was no way that I would go. Dad would never allow it. Granny smiled and told me that Dad would probably give her custody and had nothing to say about it. She looked forward to seeing me with a buzz haircut and being disciplined and a real gentleman.

I did not say anything to Granny. I decided that everyone was right. She was only pretending to be nice. If I did not do what she wanted, she would punish me like what she was doing now. I had two choices. I could be nice to Granny and do everything she wanted or if she sent me to a military school, I would just run away.

Sarah was hysterical when she heard Granny was sending me. She was crying and screaming and saying this means she would be left alone with Granny. Sarah rushed down to Granny and told her that she was an evil witch and no one wanted her at our house.

April 29, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Sarah woke me up and told me it was time that I stood up to Granny. I told her that I was confused. It seemed as if people liked me better when I was more boyish and masculine. I was not teased as much in school and I was welcome back in the choir. Maybe a boy acting girly was bad. What if Granny was right? What if being girly was bad for your soul and bad for society? What if it made me a bad person?

Sarah sighed and said that I never hurt anyone. Granny had no right to change who I was. I could hide it and try to fight it. I could not change who I was.

At school, Annie was not happy either. She told me that Noah overheard when she told me that she wet the bed. Noah warned Annie that he would tell everyone if she continued being my friend. I thought this was Annie's way of telling me that she could not be my friend. She did not do this. Annie said she would not allow anyone to tell her to be friends with. It may mean she would no longer be popular, but she would not give in to bullies. I had to admire Annie's courage. I also suspected that Noah would tell everyone no matter what she did. He is a bully and bullies have no compassion.

Later at home, I heard Sarah screaming. She told me that Granny took all her clothes and the only clothes that were left were clothes a small girl would wear. I was mad at Granny. She promised me that Sarah would not be punished if I did what she wanted. She did not keep my promise. I could not trust Granny.

April 30, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Granny told Sarah why her clothes were taken. She told Sarah she did not like girls wearing clothes that revealed skin. She did not like short skirts or belly tops. She did not want Sarah to look like one of those street women. I do not think that Sarah even knew what this meant. Granny was also mad that Sarah had done another video after she was forbidden to do one. Granny did not think that Sarah should be exhibiting herself in that way. Granny went as far as to say that Sarah was not a good singer. I was afraid that Sarah would either cry or explode. I told Granny that Sarah and I were going for a walk.

Sarah was sad when we were walking. I told her that we were going to visit Dad, I no longer trusted Granny and did not like her. She did not love us. She did not care. She was mean. We needed Dad to come home and help us. As we walked, I told Sarah that she was not to listen to Granny. Her videos were very popular. People liked her songs on youtube. Everyone except Granny could see that Sarah had talent.

It did not help to visit Dad. He just was staring into space and hardly knew that we were here. This did not stop Sarah and me from telling him how bad things were and how evil Granny was. Dad did not say anything or even look at us. It was only when Sarah said that Mom would not like what was happening, that he looked at Sarah.

Was there any hope?