Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

February 14-20, 2016

February 14, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Dad was on a video call with mum when I was performing in the choir today. She could now see me perform. This made mom very happy as she could not come to Church but wanted to see me. I had a solo, and it was extra special, as Bella was visiting from school. I did my best and I thought it was my best performance yet. Father Immer would think twice before he kicked me out of the choir. I know I should have been humble, but it was not a sin to be proud of one's talents.

I spent the whole day with Bella until she had to go back to school. I told her about being a drag kid and asked her what she thought. Bella replied that I would be doing what I loved and wearing what I loved. However, everyone would know and think I was transgender and even gay. It could mean that I would be bullied more. It could bring a lot of attention and the question was did I want this attention.

It was a hard decision to make. It would be fun and it would be a chance to dress up. As Bella said, it would also mean that people would judge me.

February 15, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Wet the bed again. I think it was on purpose.

Dad wanted to have a family meeting today. He told us that he had a long talk with our Mom about the future. We had to accept the fact that Mom would be soon leaving us and it was her wish that we would plan for this. It was important for her to know that everything would be good when she was no longer around.

“Some things will change,” Dad started, “Your Aunt is selling her house and has agreed to move in and help me raise you. Billy has his apartment so this does not affect him a lot. This will mean that Aunty will live here. I know it is a big change and she can never replace your mom, but she can make life easier. This also gives your mom some peace and one less thing to worry about. I hope that you will accept it.”

I figured that Aunty already was here most of the time, so in reality, it would change very little. It is strange though how everyone seemed to forget that she nearly destroyed our family once before and now we trusted and needed her so much.

I told them that I also had an announcement. I explained that Aunty suggested that I enter a talent show as a drag kid and that I have agreed to this. Aunty and Sarah smiled. Billy shrugged his shoulders and sighed and Dad nearly blew his top and asked does he not have a say. It seemed as if he would not have a say, as Mom said in a weak voice that she supported it.

February 16, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

After school, Aunty picked me up for school. We were going shopping. I needed the clothes that would help me perform. It was fun shopping. We bought everything a girl could desire, dresses and tights, shorts and tops. They were in pastel colours and bright colours. She bought me sandals and pink and white sneakers. I was delighted with the clothes. They were not childish, but something a teen would wear. They would be perfect for performing.

We also bought make-up and jewellery, Aunty told me she had a lot of money, so it was no problem. She loved spending it on me. We even bought new clothes for Sarah, so she would not feel left out.

Then we went to a shop where Aunty found a bag of diapers. She told me that I have been wetting the bed so much that I needed them. She told me that we could talk anytime. She was worried about the bedwetting and even noticed that I used a sippy cup. She thought Mom's sickness was making me regress. I did not answer. I just noticed that she was telling me all this in a loud voice while everyone in the shop was listening to the fact that I would need diapers. Aunty's only response to this was that they would never know that I was 13 years old, as I was the size of an 8-year-old. I am sure that they heard this as well

So now I wore diapers when I slept. The thing is that I did not care. I know this made me weird and possibly a teen baby. My body was changed when the mad doctor gave me the medicine that made me so weak and I was only 3 ft 10 inches (1.18m). I was already using a sippy cup and I even wet myself on purpose. My mind was screwed.

I told Andrew that I would be performing as a drag kid. I told him that I would love dressing up and performing, but was afraid that people would think that I was gay. Andrew responded by saying that there was nothing wrong with being gay. Being in love was special, no matter if you were in love with a boy or girl. He did not consider it a sin to be gay. I did not want to discuss it further with Andrew. I already knew that he was gay. I just wondered why he did not want everyone to know he was gay.

At home, Sarah asked me could she help me being a drag kid? Aunty heard this and suggested that we both perform in the talent show. We would be “sisters.” Mom thought that it was such a good idea. Sarah and I were so excited, that we went up to her room and tried on different clothes, and tried to decide what we should wear. I loved the idea. It would give Sarah some attention and people could see her talent. I would not be alone! Sarah also was joking saying people would think she was also a boy that was dressed as a girl!

February 18, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I spent some time with Mom today. She was not as sick as she usually was. Mom talked about her childhood. She did not have the best childhood. Her mom was very strict and expected a lot of her two daughters. This meant that grandmother treated mom very bad. While Mom had the best clothes and lived in a nice house, Grandmom never had anything good to say to mom. She would critique mom about everything and anything. This made mom feel that she was unloved. This is one reason why her biggest wish was that her children felt they were loved. When I asked her if she wanted to patch things up with her mom, Mom shook her head. She did not speak with her mom since she left home and had no intention of doing so. She wanted to die around the people that did not judge her and the people that she loved. This was a bit sad.

Annie came to visit for some reason. I wondered why she suddenly was interested in me again. Was it because my mom was on her death bed? We talked for a bit and then she said she needed the toilet. While she was at the toilet, Mom and Sarah both reminded me that they did not like Annie. When Annie came back, she said she needed to speak with me. She admitted that she peeked into my bedroom and noticed the new girl's clothes. She also noticed that there was a rubber sheet on my bed and there was a bag of diapers. Then she smiled and said she had to go but my secret is safe with her. I should have been angry as she invaded my privacy. I also wondered what she was up to. It was strange thinking that I once fancied this girl!

February 19, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Dad took me to see Doctor Mary. She gave me another puberty blocker. I told her about how weak I was and even used a sippy cup and now I wore diapers to bed. I told her about my plans to be a drag kid and how exciting this was. I even asked her if I would grow and become stronger.

She explained that the strange doctor gave me illegal medicine that did a lot of damage. I would grow very slowly, but will never be strong. I will always be what she called fragile. Then she explained that the fact I had no problem using a sippy cup and now wore diapers at night time could be a regression. I wanted to feel safe and taken care of. She explained that the subliminal messages that the mad doctor gave me meant that I did not mind being treated as a baby and that in some ways I wanted it.

Then she asked me if I ever wanted an operation. The hormones I was getting were preventing many male things from developing, and in the long run, it could mean that I would get more breasts. This was too much for Dad, He told her that I was still too young to want to change my body. He thought that she was encouraging me! Maybe he was right. What would I have done if she tried to convince me to be more like a boy?

February 20, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Aunty was teaching Sarah and me how to use make-up. This was wise, as if we did it ourselves, we would look like clowns. Aunty told us that it was very important that we practised doing make-up. We also had to be careful not to use so much. She thought that make-up should enhance the beautiful features of the face, and not cover them. We even tried giving Mom make-up on but had to stop as today was one of her bad days. I hated seeing mom in so much pain.

Andrew visited me in the afternoon. I showed him the dresses and admitted that I wet the bed once again. We talked about being a drag kid. Then I asked him how a person knows that they are gay and what it feels like. Andrew answered by giving me a smoochy kiss on the lips.