Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

February 21-27, 2016

February 21, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today I spoke with Father Immer before the choir. I admitted that I was gender fluid. I did not consider myself a boy or a girl. I liked deciding every day if I felt more masculine or feminine. I even told him that Sarah and I would be performing in a talent show where I would be a drag kid. None of this mattered concerning the choir. I reminded him that he once told me I should be myself, once that I did not harm others. I would not corrupt others or make them have the same feelings as me. I thought I was a good person.

Father Immer was silent and admitted that he had not yet decided on my future in the choir. In a way, it did not matter what he thought of me. The other boys thought I was a sissy and gay. Their parents were worried about what influence I would have over their children. The priest explained that many thought that my gender identity was not what God had planned or wanted. I was not normal. I was going against God's will and the will of nature.

I had to walk home from Church, as Dad was taking care of mom. I was depressed about what the priest said. It was so hard being a teen. I wet myself on the way home from Church. Only Aunty noticed it, but she did not say anything.

In the afternoon, Sarah and I practised dancing for the competition. I quickly forgot about all my problems. It was so fun dancing with Sarah. She showed me some cool moves and we looked great. I was getting excited about the talent show. I knew that we would win! It would be so fun.

February 22, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I miss Bella. I hope she is happy at her new school. I still had Andrew, but since he kissed me, I have not spoken with him. I did not know what to say. I was a bit shocked that a boy kissed me and that I liked it. It was also embarrassing and awkward, The question now is how it would affect our friendship.

When I came home, the doctor was with mom. He did not notice that I was there and I heard him tell mom that her sickness was developing much quicker than expected, and he told her that there was not much time left. I just stood there and once again wet myself. Mom noticed this and told me to get changed. I think the doctor was shocked when I came back with girls' leggings and a glitter top. His reaction did make me smile.

February 23, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I still did not speak with Andrew at school. I was also doing my best to avoid Annie. She did try to speak to me. She asked was I wearing a diaper and seemed disappointed when I said no. I was worried that others would hear her questions. Annie was so strange. Why was she so obsessed with me being a baby. I thought I was weird enough for wetting myself and not minding wearing diapers, but it was just as strange to be like Annie, that liked me being more babyish.

Sarah and I practised at home while Mom was looking. Mum was in a lot of pain and she was so tired. Yet she managed to smile and help us with the practice. Mom suggested that we mimed and danced to Madonna as that would make Dad happy. So we danced to “vogue”. Once again, we were having so much fun. We helped each other with better moves, giggled and were so happy. Mom commented on how our happiness was worth watching.

We let Mom rest and stayed in my bedroom as we practised putting make-up on. Sarah said that it was sad seeing mom fade away and we soon would not have her. We could not imagine a world without mom and to be honest, we did not want to think about it. Our Mom had always been there. She tried her best at being the best mom. She read enough books about it because she wanted to be the perfect mother. Life would be so empty without her. It was something that I did not want to think about. I was afraid that I would cry and never stop.

February 24, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Andrew and I spoke today. We did not say a word about the kiss. It seemed as if this was the best thing to do. We had a lot of other things to talk about. Besides that Noah was teasing me once again that my hair was so long and once again that both my ears were pierced. He asked if Andrew was my boyfriend. I think it's good he did not know about the kiss!

At home, Dad was not in a good mood. He told me that the teachers were talking about me in the staff room. They thought I was looking more and more like a girl every day. One teacher told Dad it must be challenging to be a father of a sissy that is most likely gay. They all knew that Dad was very Catholic and wondered if my behaviour conflicted with his beliefs.

Dad was not happy. He thought the family reputation would be drug through the mud more than it already was when people found out that I would be doing a drag show. They would think that it was wrong and immoral. He would find it hard going to Church as he would have to defend it. Dad ended his panic rage by saying that he had to consider if he would allow us to participate in the talent show.

I felt so depressed and wondered why people had to judge others so much. I ended up wetting myself which only made Dad more frustrated.

February 25, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Annie tried to hang around with me at school, but I managed to avoid her. I did not want to be part of her games. I missed Bella!

After school, I visited Bellas granny. She was delighted that I visited her as she missed Bella. When she asked me how my life was, I told her about the kiss that I had with Andrew and now we were trying to forget it happened. Bellas granny gave me some cake and milk as she explained, “If you ask me, you two need to talk about this kiss. Otherwise, it will always hang there. A kiss does not mean that you are gay. You are only 13 and you have time to discover your sexual orientation. Whatever direction you go, the only thing that matters is that you are happy and do not hurt anyone.”

She was right. It was just a kiss. It did not mean that he was romantically interested in me. Bella and I kissed once and we did not become boyfriend and girlfriend. I suppose what people say about me is true… I analyse things too much.

February 26, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

I talked to Andrew about the kiss. He reminded me that he was gay and he kissed me because he fancied me. He thought that since I was now a drag kid and never minded wearing girl clothes, I was also gay. I did not know what to answer.

When I got home, mom also wanted to speak with me. She asked me was there a reason why I was wetting myself more? Did I need to say a doctor? I told her that there was no need for this, as I knew that there was nothing medically wrong with me. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I sometimes did it on purpose.

“Your aunt could be right,” Mom said,” She thinks you are regressing and maybe the best thing to do was to treat you as a toddler girl at home. Do not worry, I have told her that this was not the answer. I have always worried about you, Allie. What will happen to you when I am no longer here? Will aunty treat you like a baby again? Will Dad ever accept you? I also think you should avoid Annie. She wants to control you and be like a mother to you. She wants you as a baby girl, that she can dress you up and tell you how to act. This is not friendship or love.. it is about her controlling me.”

I told mom she did not have to worry about me.

February 27, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I had a strange dream. I lived in a nursery and lived like a baby girl. It was a nice dream in a way. I was not bullied. People were not dying and I was not confused about my identity.

I visited Bella that was home from school. I told her about the dream. She just shrugged her shoulder and said I wanted to feel secure and happy and not have the worries as a teenager. Maybe I was afraid of growing up. Maybe I was becoming a teen baby that had a fetish with diapers and baby things. Bella joked as she mentioned Annie would love me as a teen baby, as she had a fetish with boys that were treated like babies and sissies. I hated the word fetish. It made me sound so perverted and like a sinner!

Bella told me about her school. Most there had gender identity problems. Some were sissies, some transgender and some genderfluid. There were even some teen babies there. The school helped them find themselves and be respected. She was happy there. It made me wonder.. what would it be like when these people lived back in society? Would they ever be accepted?