Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

November 22-28, 2015

November 22, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

At Church, I wanted to tell everyone that I was auditioning for a Netflix series. Maybe they would not tease me or look at me as if I was strange. I decided that this would be a bad thing to do, as I most likely would not get the part and this would give them an excuse for making my life worse. It was hard to concentrate in the choir because I was imagining what it would like to be famous. I was teased a lot now and had very few friends. Would this be worse when the whole world knew me? What would people across the country say when they knew I liked dressing as a girl and acting like a girl?

Dad was also being weird today. In the afternoon he said he wanted to search my room for drugs. He reasoned that my identity crises could have been a result of being a drug addict. I did not get mad as I had nothing to hide in my room. Dad was becoming more and more frustrated as he couldn't find anything. I just sat on my bed as he looked in every corner. Billy walked by and said it was strange that Dad was looking for drugs, and yet he did not mind that mom was giving me a tablet every day and that the doctor gave me injections.

Did Billy hate me or was he worried about me?

November 23, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Once again, I woke up with pains and voices in my head.

Annie asked me if I would visit her house on Saturday. I said, of course, I would visit her. Then she ignored me for the rest of the day. I do not know why I had such a crush on Annie and I was confused about what she felt about me. I suppose men have never understood girls, so why should it be different with me?

Miss Appleby wanted to speak with me after class. She wanted to know why I was being teased and why I seemed so confused. I explained that I considered myself a sissy and this meant I liked dressing as a girl and doing the same things that girls do. Miss Appleby was an old woman and this was obvious because she could not understand. She warned me that I was going against Gods plan for me as a boy and I was letting the liberal media influence me. She said that I would have a very bad life and never accepted by others. She finished by sighing that I had so much potential. I looked at her and thought she looked like an old man. Should I even take her seriously?

After school Mom took me to a hairdresser. My hair was now down to my shoulder blades. The hairdresser was an old woman, and she kept on saying that she thought I was a girl and could understand that I wanted to get it cut. It was strange every time she clipped it off. I looked in the mirror as I saw myself change. In the end, it was a page boy hairstyle. I quite liked it. It was not short or long.

When Dad saw it, he was not impressed.

November 24, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Turkey shot down a Russian jet today. Both countries are mad at each other. This made me think about what the world would be like if there was a war. If I was a soldier, I would find it hard to kill another person. I never understood the concept of war. A country can invade another country, but they could never invade the people's hearts or loyalty. There was never a winner of a war. It just brings death and unhappiness and fear. I hoped Russia would not go to war over a jet.

Everyone at school noticed that I cut my hair. They teased and said a page style was so old fashioned and it still made me look like a girl. Annie just smiled when she saw it and told me that I looked more like a toddler. I think she meant this as a compliment. I was confused why she would even consider this a compliment. I had to tell mom that I needed clothes for someone my age.

Bella's grandmother thought the hair was cute. However, she preferred it longer. She found a denim dress and Bella, Sarah and I spent the afternoon drawing.

When I came home, Mom was in a strange mood. She even was swearing. She told me that Aunty rang and wanted to come to visit. This made my heart jump a bit as this was the woman who wanted me to be a baby girl. She even tried to kill my mom! I was so relieved when mom said that she had no intention of seeing my aunt. She had decided long ago to disown my aunt. Mom made it very clear, she never wanted to speak with my aunt again.

November 25, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today we sent to see the strange doctor. She gave me the injections again and new music that I could listen to.

She asked me a lot about the doll that Sarah gave me. The doctor said that it was no problem if I held the doll at all times. It was good that I cared for the doll and felt responsible for it. The doctor also said that it was good that I was wearing the toddler clothes I had on. She told mom that children nowadays dressed as adults.

I did not get any chance to answer. It was like she just stating the facts. The doctor told mom and me that things will be better. I have changed a lot in the few months that I have seen her. I was now accepting that I could be transgender and I was even looking more feminine. The doctor asked mom if she noticed how long my eyelashes were now.

Mom asked the doctor why I was getting so many pains and why I was getting shorter. A teen like me should be getting taller, and not smaller. The doctor just said my body was adjusting and not to worry about it.

Before we left, she told mom that it was important I got support and encouragement when I doubted my feminine side. The doctor even said that Mom should divorce dad if he continued trying to make me be a boy.

Mom said nothing on the way home in the car.

November 26, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today was a big day. I would be auditioning for a lead role in a new Netflix series. I was not at all nervous, as I didn't expect to get it. I considered it an experience. It also meant that I would escape school, so that was also a good thing!

There were 3 people behind a table as I stood in front of them. They first looked at me and asked if I had a portfolio. I showed them my modelling pictures. They mumbled with each other when they were looking at the pictures. The only thing I could hear was a woman saying I had a unique look while a man asked if I was a boy? It was a bit uncomfortable standing there and 3 people talking about me.

Then I had to do some acting. It was as if I have seen an orange for the first time. So I did my best at pretending I never seen an orange. After a few minutes, they said stop and told me the audition was over. They never even say they would call me.

Mr Lewis was drinking tea with mom and dad when I came home. I told them what happened. Then Mr Lewis admitted that it was a long shot. I did not mind. I did not think I was so talented or special.

November 27, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

When we were having breakfast, mom said she was speaking with Billy and he had opened her eyes. Next week, I was visiting a new doctor. We had to know if the treatment the crazy doctor gave me was working and the best.

That night we went out to an Indian restaurant to eat as a family. I love spicy food. It was also great for the family. It was a long time since we sat and spoke and there was no drama. Billy was even smiling and Dad was telling jokes. Mom started shedding tears. We all asked her what the problem was. She smiled and said that the most important thing for her was that we were a happy family, that loved and protected each other. We all held hand around the table and we all felt our eyes moisten.

It was an evening I would remember. The only bad thing was when the waitress told Mom and Dad that they had two lovely daughters. Dad scowled when the waitress called me a girl.

November 28, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

This was a strange day. I went to visit Annie. She lived in a posh house with the best of everything. It was like entering a french castle. When Annie, answered the door, she immediately called her mom. Her mom looked like a model or film star. She told me that Annie said that I often wet myself, and was I wearing a diaper? Before I could answer, she dragged me inside the bathroom. Annie waited outside, as her mother started putting a diaper on me. I tried to protest and say it was months since I had accidents. Annies mother just smiled and said that she had diapered many a boy before and she did not want me to ruin the furniture

When I came out of the bathroom, Annie smiled and said I was more like myself now. She smiled as she said she could see the top of the diaper over my pants, but that didn't matter, anyone could see how bulky they were even with pants on. I don't think I ever blushed so much. Otherwise, we started playing with Annie's things. I have never seen a girl that had so many toys and hobby things. Sarah would love it here!

Then Annie had a good idea. She thought we should go to the mall. I had my doubts. I still couldn't figure Annie out. Was she interested in me or not. I did not have a say. Before I knew it, we were at a huge small. Annie did not shout to everyone that I was wearing a diaper. She took my hand and we walked around as she was my girlfriend. I quickly forgot all about the diaper and was in seventh heaven.

Then Annie asked me would I do anything for her. I said of course I would. Before I knew it, I was in a jewellery shop with 2 earring studs in my ears. Annie was praising me for how “pretty” I looked. I was in shock and thought this must be a dream.

When I got home, Dad looked at me and threw his coffee cup on the ground asking what happened to my ears?

to be continued