Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

December 27, 2015 - January 2, 2016

December 27, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Christmas is over, and to be honest, it was not the best Christmas. Bella no longer wanted to be friends and Dad left us. Mom put on a strange face and tried to make Christmas as fun as possible. The truth was that she was very sad about him leaving. Moms only wish was that we had a perfect family like the ones on old TV shows. Reality has given her a son that used drugs. A son that was genderfluid, and a dad who would not accept it.

I felt like it was all my fault. I could have helped Bella and I could have been what Dad wanted me to be. It seemed too late. Bella hated me and Dad has left. Being a teenager is hard. I may have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life!

Bella was ignoring me after Church. I tried telling her a joke, but she told me to leave her alone. This made me sort of mad. Did we just not talk about forgiveness in church. I did what any teenager would do. I tried to make Annie jealous by flirting with Annie. I do not know how much this worked, as Annie was more interested in telling her friends how much she must help me.

I left Annie and her friends and waited by the car. I do not think that Annie ever noticed I was gone. Father Immy must have seen me alone and came to me to try and cheer me up by saying that Christmas is a happy time of the year. I shouted so everyone could hear by asking how could I be happy. My friend hates me and my dad left because he did not accept I was genderfluid. There was a sudden silence after this as everyone had their thoughts regarding what I just admitted.

December 28, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today Billy was at court because he was arrested for using drugs. He was given a fine and community service. Still, he now had a criminal record. It beats that he did not have to go to prison.

In the afternoon, mom came to my bedroom with warm chocolate. I knew what this meant. I have done something wrong. She wanted to talk about the day that I came home in a dress. She thought that we agreed that we agreed to keep it at home and Bellas house. I told her that it was Annie that dressed me that way. She just liked me in a dress and diaper. Mom sighed and asked me does this not remind me of the way Aunty treated me during the summer. Mom knew that I loved Annie, however... Did Annie love me or was she manipulating me? Was I more like a living doll for her?

There was the word again. Doll! Everyone was saying that I was her doll.

I sent Annie a text asking if she loved me.

December 29, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Christmas holidays is a time to sleep late. I did not get a chance today. Bella's granny knocked at our door very early and asked if Bella was here. When Mom said no, then her granny said that Bella had run away. Mom told the old woman that she should sit down and have some tea and we should contact the police. Bellas granny was now upset and pointed her finger at me telling me this was all my fault. Then she said that mom would understand that she could no longer take care of us after school.

When Bellas granny went, I hid in my room. She was right. It was my fault. I was not a friend when Bella needed the one the most. When I was being bullied and teased, she was always by my side. When I was confused about what my identity was, she was by my side.

It can only be concluded, I am not a good son as dad left. I am not a good friend because I did not support Bella. Now both have run away.

I am also a bad boyfriend as Annie sent back a message asking how could I ask if she loved me.

December 30, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Billy was happy today. He found a new place to live. He would be moving in a month. He also found a job at Pizza Hut! Another person was leaving me and wanting to be as far away as possible.

Mom was also in a sad mood. Dads intolerance and temper annoyed her, but she missed her. She was planning a new years party for the family. She invited Bellas granny as well. Even though she was having a party, I knew she was doing it for our sake.

I went looking for Bella, but she could be in China by now! I could not find her. She must have been so lonely, afraid, hungry, and sad.

Aunty was visiting when I came home. She was worried about me. Now everyone in the world has seen me in a dress. She wanted to know if I was upset because everyone saw me as a girl. I told her that I was in the newspaper before dressed as a girl. It was the picture taken of me in Greece. I was no longer afraid that the world knew that I liked dresses and looking pretty.

Aunty told me that she manipulated me during the summer in wearing girl clothes and that was wrong of her. She advised me to follow my heart and love the person that I am and be proud of my identity. It made no difference if I was transgendered or not. It was all about being comfortable with who I was and being happy.

December 31, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Bella was still missing. Her Granny rang the police and they asked me a lot of questions about why she was missing. Her granny was so mad that Bella was being bullied so much. She asked again me what sort of friend I was.

Bella was always a girl that smiled and was an optimist. I remembered how she would cheer me up when I was confused. I remember how she would smile when I tried on one of her dresses. I remembered how we would laugh and just talk about nothing. I also remembered that she would be at my side when I was being teased and bullied. The happy Bella was replaced by a broken sad girl, that ran away. I had the worse dreams about this. Did she hurt herself? Was someone hurting her?

Sarah came in and asked me how it was going with Annie. I told her that Annie wanted me to visit her on Saturday. This made Sarah sigh and say that I was blind and dumb. Sarah told me it was time to accept the truth. Annie and I did not love each other. My sister thought that I loved Bella and Bella loved me. Sarah asked if I could not see this was true love. This made me smile and laugh. Sisters say the silliest things.

We had a party on the last night of the year. Even though there was a party, it was as if we were all faking that we were having fun. This was until Dad came. Everyone started to cry and we had one big family hug when he came into the room. Dad was back!

Dad told us he was an idiot for leaving. He had a lot to think about when he was in the hotel. He was listening to Madonna songs where she sang about expressing who we were and being proud. She sang about respect and tolerance. Dad had tears in his eyes when he said that he had a son that was now an adult, a son that was more like a daughter and a daughter that was his princess. We were different and that was what made us a good family. He admitted that he was wrong in judging us and wanted us to be someone we were not. Dad asked us if we could ever forgive him.

It was a long family hug!!!

January 1, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

2016! I have to remember that when I have to write the year. Writing 2015 is such a habit that I would forget it is now 2016.

The year ended with Dad coming back. Bella was still missing!

I also got a letter from Netflix. They did not want me to sign any contract. They wrote my transgender ways was not the image they wanted and I would be a PR nightmare. This meant that I would never be in any film and I would not be famous. I was shocked when I heard this and told everyone that I did not want to discuss it. I just wanted the whole thing to be forgotten. How would I explain this to Annie and at school?

Mom and Dad came into my room and tried telling me that maybe this was for the best. They told me fame would give me fake friends and no privacy. I needed people to love me for who I was.

January 2, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I was supposed to visit Annie today but I decided that I would look for Bella. It was my responsibility to never give up and to search for her until she was found.

I remembered the hiding place that we had and went there. I was so happy to find Bella there. She looked dirty and hungry. She told me that I was the last person that she wanted to see.

I sat down next to her and started crying. I opened my heart and told her it was all my fault. I let her down as a friend because I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be famous and this gave me a bloated head that made me forget who my real friends were. I told Bella that I did not expect her to forgive me, but her Granny missed her and she should go home.

Bella hugged me and told me that I was the “Allie that she knew”. She was worried that being popular and famous would change me and make me think I was the centre of the world.

We made a pact, that we would always remain friends and We would be there for each other in good and bad times. After we agreed on this, Bella started laughing and said it sounded like marriage vows. I was laughing when I told her that Sarah thought that we were in love.

Then it happened. There was silence as we looked at each other. Our heads moved closer together and we kissed!

To be continued
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