Idol

Idol - 1982- Age 13
Being what others wants me to be is not easy

Grannies funeral was a circus. I would have prefered a personal moment in which I could say goodbye to granny. The press was hiding behind the trees and bushes taking one picture after another one. There would be pictures in newspapers of me crying at a funeral. Dad told me not to mind the press, as it was part of being a celebrity. I did mind them. I had enough going on in my head besides putting a show on for the press. Granny was the only person that understood me. She was the person that took care of me and wanted me to be happy. I lost my mom and granny and was left with Dad. I did not have anything good to say about my Dad.

I was now a teen. This meant that puberty was slowly starting and this was exciting. I was on my way to becoming an adult. This meant that I could dress how I wanted and do what I wanted. I would have my own money! The one confusing thing for me to figure out was my identity. I knew I was born a boy. Mom and Granny treated me as a baby girl. Dad thought I was a sissy that needed to be cured. I missed the pretty dresses and the attention I got. It made me think about what I wanted. Did I want to be transgendered or not? There would be a time when I would be allowed to decide

The film about the two princes was released. It was a hit. My Album was also a huge success with a few singles that were top 10. All this meant that moms dream that I would be famous came true. I still could not understand if I wanted fame or not. I was delighted that people liked my album so much that they would pay for it. I found it exciting when I would be told how singles were doing in the charts. It was hard to believe that "Can Sing forever" sold 8 million albums. It was also strange hearing my songs on the radio. The thing was that people wanted me to be famous all my life and now that this was a reality, I wondered what would happen next? What would happen when people had enough of me?

Dad now worked full time as my manager. I did not know how much money I was making and to be honest, I never thought of royalties or how rich we were. Dad told me that I could get the money when I was 18. I knew that we were well off. Dad started wearing expensive suits and even bought a fancy sports car. He also drank a lot of expensive wine. As I said, It never occurred to me that it was my money that was paying for all this.

I was very lonely. Cameron was now old enough and lived in his own apartment. He left home as soon as he was 18. I missed him so much. He was the only person in the world that liked me for who I was and did not have any demands or expectations. He was not like Ronny, that was all the time high or drunk, and just spoke to us when he wanted money from Dad. Stepmom was nice, but she was so afraid of Dad and found it hard to protect me. I still loved when I cuddled against her on the sofa where she would try and talk about normal things.

Fame meant that I could not walk out in public. I would be surrounded by fans and this was dangerous. They pushed and poked and tried to take a piece of me. I was told that I could not be alone in public. This made me more lonely. I told Dad that I missed Chloe and Nick. I have not seen them for a long time. Dad's reaction was not to be childish. Stepmom tried to defend me by saying that everyone needed friends. She insisted that If I was sad, This would show in my work and make it worse. Dad ended up agreeing that I could see them when I had time. I immediately rang Nick and Chloe and told them that I could see them.

It was not as if I had time to see anyone. Dad signed another contract for a film. It was about Jesus when he was a boy. Dad was very religious so he thought this would be a good film for me and the world. I was not as excited. I did not like doing movies. You had to do things at the right time and right place. It was hard being someone else. In this film, I would be trying to be Jesus. This was scary in a way

It is not as if I had a choice. Dad was very dominant and demanding. He did not listen to others. He was my manager who decided what I should do and took all the credit for the success. He was never satisfied with my performance. He also thought I did something wrong. At home, it was just as bad. He was not my dad. He was my manager at home. He was very worried about my image. This meant that any feminine signs that I showed resulted in a punishment. Dad could stop me from wearing what he called sissy clothes, but he could do nothing about the bedwetting. I still wore a diaper in the bed. Stepmom told me once that it was because of the stress I was under and in some ways, it made me feel safe. I think she was right.

Ronny was now 20. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. He did nothing but hang around with low lives. He still hated me and thought I was weird. Despite he was my brother, he always threatened to tell the press everything. This scared me. I think it also scared Dad as well. Ronny's lifestyle had Dad kick him out of the house. This left me alone with Dad. The only people that understood me now were my stepmom and my new bodyguard. His name was John. He was a giant and always wore sunglasses. He did not say much and was always serious. This became a game for me to try and make him smile.

Chloe and Nick were allowed to visit me again. The first time they came was very awkward. They told me that they were even in doubt that they would come. They thought that fame changed me and I no longer wanted to see them. I apologised and explained so many people were controlling what I did and this took a lot of time. I talked about fame and how people wanted to make money off of me. I missed having friends who did not worship me as an idol or made demands of them. I begged for their forgiveness and a second chance. It ended up in a hug. I knew that I had two good friends, that loved me for who I was and could forgive me!

I started seeing Nick and Chloe a lot more. Nick was in a crisis in his life. He accepted that he was gay and wondered how society would accept him. I told him that he should be proud of who he was. It was the society that had a problem, and not him. He had many years to figure out what it meant to be gay as he was still too young to do smoochy things. This made him laugh. Nick's revelation also made me think. What if I was gay? The media would have a field trip and it would destroy my career. In a way, Nick was lucky.

Chloe noticed that I no longer was girly, except for my long hair. I tried to explain to her that I had to be careful about my public image. Dad did not want me to be a sissy. It made Chloe mad that people considered it a sissy. She never thought I was transgender or anything like that. She thought I was a boy that did not mind wearing girl clothes. I was gender fluid. Chloe gave me a present of a pink t-shirt. It was one that she did not use anymore. I wore it as much as I could. Dad did not like it, but I told him it was a present from my best friend, and if I was not allowed to wear it, I would never sing again. Dad must have known I was serious, as he did not complain.

It was time to do the Jesus film. This was an important film for Dad, as it was spreading the word about Jesus and the Catholic religion. I will be honest, I felt very awkward doing this film. I did not feel confident enough to portray the most famous child and the greatest child that ever lived. I felt that I could not do him justice and I was an imposter. I kept asking myself if this was blasphemy. The tunic I wore made me feel guilty because I kept on pretending it was a dress. When I was wearing make-up, I felt guilty that I liked it. I don't know if this was a story about how hard old habits are to die, or simply I missed the right to dress and be how I wanted.

I was very tired and stressed. I was doing a film and practising for a tour at the same time. In between doing this, I would just sit and try to sleep. The problem was that I could not sleep. I began getting anxiety attacks. Dad noticed this and wondered why I was causing so many problems. Stepmom tried to tell Dad that I was only 13 years, and had the work and pressures of 3 men. Dad fixed this by giving me some tablets he got from the doctor. I did not consider these tablets drugs, as I thought I was somehow sick and they were to help me. They worked as well, they gave me a lot of energy. I was in a good mood all the time. I did what I was told. I did not need much sleep!

The tour was called "Dakota's singing tour" and we were to do 120 concerts all over the world. The best thing is that Chloe and Nick were allowed to come on the tour. Dad tried telling me to remember he can be kind to me when I did what was expected of me. I did not think about what Dad thought. I still considered him Hitler's secret son. I was so happy that my friends were allowed on tour. It made travelling a lot of fun and we always had fun in hotels. I think we had to pay for a lot of pillows, that was destroyed when we had pillow fights. We even mimicked dad when he told me to grow up and remember my responsibilities.

I still had stage fright when I performed. I was afraid that people would hate the show and walk out. I was afraid of the reviews of the show. I was scared if I messed up or forgot the words. The worse thing was I was terrified about my weak bladder. What if I had an accident on stage. Stepmom had the answer. She thought I should wear a diaper when I sang. Astronauts wore a diaper in space, so it was not strange if I did. At the same time, she thought it was better that I did not tell Dad. He would never understand.

Touring was hard, as 120 concerts are no small tour. I would have gone mad if my friends were not there. It also helped with the tablets that Dad gave me. It was as if I always had energy. One thing I could not understand was when I would sing, How could they hear me? The fans were shouting and screaming so much, that even I needed earplugs. It was now that I understood how many fans I had and some of them were fanatics. I did my best to give them the best experience I had.

After a few shows, Dad came up with an idea of how to make more money. He did not tell me this but he did ask Chloe and Nick if they wanted to be backing singers. So Dad fired the ones I had and Nick and Chloe as backing singers. This made the shows better, and I must admit that they were good singers.

Towards the end of the tour, Dad rushed into my hotel room. I have never seen him as angry as he was then. He kept on asking me what was I thinking, and how could I do this to him. There was a picture of me on a newspaper Dad threw at me. It had a picture of me on with the top of a diaper showing above the trousers I was wearing. The heading was "Dakota is a diaper lover!"