Idol

Idol - 1992- Age 23

"I have always been in love with you," Nick told me.
"You are my dearest friend. This will never change"
"You do not understand Dakota, ever since you and I had sex together, I have missed it so much. I dream of us doing it again. It makes me feel so bad. Chloe is also my best friend. I don't want to hurt your marriage, but this is just how I feel."

I hugged Nick and told him that I understood him. I often thought about what we have done in bed years ago and missed it. However, I was now a married man that made vows with Chloe. It was important for me that I was faithful to my wife. Not only did I have her to think about. Chloe, I had to think about Sebastian. The fact was that I knew I was bisexual. This did not give me any right to jump in bed with anyone that I fancied. Nick understood this. The sexual feelings we had for each other could never become to reality.

Being a father was something that I enjoyed so much. It was amazing to watch Sebastian every day as he learned new things. It was strange watching him explore life. It was a big responsibility that Chloe and I were responsible for that he had the best start in life and that we would support and protect him at all times. We did have conversations about what would happen in different situations. What would we do if he was gay? What would we do if he wanted to join a religious sect? What would we do if he was a bully? This discussion was so frustrating. It made us realize that so many things could go wrong. We decided the best we could do is to raise Sebastian as well as we could and take the challenges as they came.

"There is one thing that I have thought about?" Chloe said, "We are famous and in the public eye. Some of my videos have been very sexy while you have and you are known for being androgynous or genderfluid or whatever you want to call it. What if others tease Sebastian for the image we have or what if it embarrasses him in who his parents are?"

I know that Chloe did not say this to hurt me or say I was a bad dad. To be honest, this is something that I also thought about. I have been judged all my life. Despite that I was content with being feminine and masculine, other people could not accept this. I did not want this for my son. One thing is people could bug him about how I looked. He should not be bullied about his Dad's image. I got so worried that I discussed it with the record company boss.

"I do not know how many times we discussed this," He said, "You have been confused about your identity since we met. Other celebrities wear make-up and they can be quite feminine. Micael Jackson is feminine one day and another day he is macho. You have to learn to be proud of who you are. If you are genderfluid, then be proud and love yourself. You have many fans and can influence a generation of people. You can show them it is ok to be different. The main thing is to respect each other and be proud of who you are"

Nick, who was my assistant told me that he had been receiving a lot of messages from Britney's mother. She was the girl I promised to help if she did not sign a contract with Dad. The thing was that I did nothing to help her and this made her mother impatient. I told Nick to send some flowers to Britney and that I did not have time. I thought I had a good excuse. I was about to go on a world tour and when I was not busy with that, I was enjoying being together with Sebastian. I will also be honest that I did not want to help her. It's not as if I knew her very well. I just did not want her under my Dads control. Other than that, I knew nothing about her.

The court case with Dad came. It was Dad's revenge to get some money and humiliate me. I did not even bother going to court. I did not want to give him the satisfaction that I would be in the same building as he was. The court case was a media circus. Some say I was being a bad son. Dad thought that he should get money from the mansion that I sold. Then he thought that I owed him money and blamed me for breaking a contract when I no longer wanted him as a manager. He wasted no time in telling the court about how ashamed he was of me and my gender identity and being a closet homosexual made me a bad person. My lawyers used this as a defence. If he was so ashamed of me, how could he be a good manager for me? Besides this, he bought the mansion with my money and it was in my name. It was said that he could have been put in jail because he used most of the money that I earned when I was a child. The judge agreed with my lawyers and said that Dad mismanaged my fortune for his personal use. He did not have my best interests in his heart and used me and my talent to get rich. The mansion was under my name and I did not owe Dad anything. This all meant that my Dad lost the court case. I am sure it cost him a lot to pay for lawyers and whatnot. Where did he get money to pay for this?

Ronny (my oldest brother) was also in the media. He was now a porn star and was having some success because of his connection with me. This was hard for me. It was not so much the fact that he was in porn movies, it was because people were calling him my brother. It was like he was using my fame to get famous himself. I knew that I had a lot of young fans and they would be thinking that my family was so screwed up and had no morals. My brother chose his path. My Dad chose to try to publicly shame me. Up to now, I have been paying for the flat where they lived. I told Nick to stop paying the rent and that no further money would be given to my brother or my father. Nick was worried that this would get bad media attention. I did not care. My brother and Dad did not love me and I would not pay for their love.

I was happy that we now lived at Kilmacoom, the old manor estate. I felt so safe there. The paparazzi could not come in and we had a good security system. This was important for me. The reason was that I was so afraid that someone would try to hurt or even kidnap Sebastian. Kilmacoom also gave me the chance to make it into the best home a child could have. I always admired what Michael Jackson did with Neverland, so I wanted Kilmacoom to also be a fun place. I built a huge playground. That is all that I got permission to do. Chloe did not want a zoo or an amusement park.

The confusion about my identity was something that was bothering me a lot lately. I wanted Sebastian to have a happy childhood with a normal family. Despite I knew that I was genderfluid and happy with this identity, I knew how hard it was when people judged me and thought I was weird. I could give in to this and try to be like any normal man. Yeah... right... this would not happen. It has taken me years to know and accept my identity. If people got confused if I was transgender or not, then that would be part of a game I could play with everyone. They would be wondering if I defined myself as feminine or masculine. I could use their narrow-minded, and then they would be more confused about my identity. The big thing is that I knew who I was. I was proud of it.

It was difficult for me to embark on a world tour. I did not want to leave Sebastian. He had become a central part of my life. I would be gone for months without seeing him. Chloe told me there was no way that she could come on tour with him. Besides the fact that he was too young, she was finishing a new album. So I felt so alone when I was on tour. I missed my son so much. It should have consoled me that the tour was a success. It was relieving to know that my fans were still interested. The reviews in the press were very positive and some of my greatest critics were writing about how they missed me. Even the fashion magazines liked what I wore. I was getting to like colourful clothes in bright colours. They were of course unisex in a very feminine way. I was at a stage where I still liked long tops that went down to my knees and nearly looked like a dress. I still felt happiest when I had makeup on. I did not care if people thought I was feminine or not. If they didn't like how I expressed myself, then they did not have to come to see me. I did not read when people judged how I identified myself. This being said, I did hear one magazine write that I made the idea of being transgender seem cool. Besides it being positive, I thought it was funny that some thought I was transgender. I did not think I was.

The world tour was a short one. This was for practical reasons. We did not know if I would be accepted back into show business and if people would buy tickets. It also suited me fine. Nick was constantly flirting with me hoping I would have sex with him now that Chloe was not here. This did not happen. I avoided this temptation remembering my vows to Chloe and to be honest, I was proud of myself for doing this.

In a way, it was good that the world tour was so short. I missed Sebastian so much and Chloe released a new album. This meant that she was busy promoting it. I was satisfied staying home with Sebastian. I was pressured to start working on new music or a new film. The powers to be were not happy when I told them that I did not want to do more films and wanted to concentrate on music. This was a process for me. I had to get that certain itch to do new music. At this time, I did not have this itch or the inspiration to do new music. This was Chloe's turn to be in the limelight and I was happy being at home taking care of our child.

I was in a media shitstorm shortly after the world tour. The mother of the girl I promised to help told the media of my promise and the fact that I never kept the promise. This made me look like a cold-hearted person. One journalist wrote, "If Dakota used his time to remember the promises he made and not make a big deal that he doesn't see a problem being feminine, then he would be a good role model." What could I do after reading this except sigh? It was the media that kept going on about how I dressed and if I was transgender or not. The bit about me not keeping my promise I did was true. It was a promise I made to keep her away from my Dads influence. Maybe I meant to keep it at one stage, but my heart was not in it. I did not know this girl. She meant nothing to me.

All this meant that I was not a saint. I considered myself overall a good person, but I had many flaws. One of them was that I was so jealous of the success Chloe was having. While I could not complain about the success of my comeback, Chloe was doing far better. While I felt bad for my jealousy, I also could not get rid of the feeling. A part of me wanted her to fail or at least I would do better than her. I felt as if I had more talent and experience. Her success was also because I helped her so much. This is nothing we talked about. I just smiled every time she boasted about her success.

Nick also resigned from being my assistant. He explained to me that he had strong feelings toward me and thought I was not in love with Chloe. Nick wanted me to admit to myself that I was gay. This was nothing that I would do. It could destroy my career and would Sebastian be allowed to be with me? I denied that I was gay and this upset Nick. He told me that he could no longer be around me as it hurt him so much.

I began to question if there was an element of truth to what Nick said. Long ago, I knew that I was bisexual and maybe mostly gay. I just did not want to come out of the closet as I was afraid of what people would think. There was also the question of Sebastian. He needed to be in my life. This being said I doubted very much if I even loved Chloe. She was not the same as the good friend I had years ago. Even when we were intimate with each other, it was now more a chore than love.

Nick was gone and maybe this would help me concentrate on my marriage. Time would tell...