Idol

Idol - 1987- Age 18

The record company already knew Chloe because she was my backing singer. Now that my career was in the dumps, the executives in the record company wanted a new star. They were wise when they offered Chloe a record contract. She had a good voice and she looked beautiful. She had the potential to be as big as Madonna. Chloe wanted to know what I thought of her trying her luck at performing. What could I say? She always supported me, so I put on my best smile and told her that she would do great.

The fact was that I was extremely jealous. It was also me that was the star, and now my last album was a flop, Chloe had the potential to be as big as I once was. I knew this made me very selfish and egoistic. I thought that I was destined to be famous, and Chloe was to be a sidekick, making me look good in public. The idea of Chloe being a success was eating my inner soul. While I told her that I thought it was a great idea, I was secretly wishing she would be more of a flop than I have become. I know this is mean, but who said I was a saint?

I was now 18 and had a meeting with Mr Spenser (the executive of the record company). He was very relaxed about the flop of my last album but admitted that he did not know what to do with my career. He told me that it was very important to be more masculine. I also needed to get Cameron to help me with the album. I needed to sound like I once did. I was agreeing with everything that Mr Spenser said. This was until he said that I needed to fire dad. Dad was a shell of what he used to be. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. He made unreasonable demands and had no clue how to be a manager. This was a hard thing to do. He was after all my Dad. He was family. What would it do if Dad thought that he was no longer wanted?

Mr Spenser told me that there was good news. I could live off the royalties for the music I already had, and he said that I was lucky enough to earn millions so far in my career. No matter what the future bought me, I should have been proud of what I achieved. Somehow I thought I was too young to reminisce on the past. His last suggestion was a comeback by singing a duet with Chloe. This would help start Chloe's career and help my comeback. No way was I going to do that.

I did not tell Dad about the meeting with Mr Spenser. Dad was sniffing drugs and at the same time planning my next album. He told me that one flop did not end my career, we just had to make a new album. I suppose he was right. The old saying was when you fall off your bike, then get up on it again. Dad told me that the next album would be a country gospel album. Despite that I did like some country music, there was no way that I was going to do that album.

I visited Cameron. He bought me a cake. He also had brotherly advice. I identified too much with being famous. It was my identity since I was born,

" Your life had revolved around being a performer," he explained. "This is not who you are. Being feminine or a sissy does not define you. What defines you is how happy you are and how you treat others. If performing makes you happy or being girly, then you should do this. I think that you have a lot more to offer than being a performer."

Maybe he was right. Before I left, I asked Cameron to do me a huge favour. I did not want him to help Chloe with her new album. This made Cameron sigh and ask if I did not hear a word he said. I just shrugged my shoulder as he promised that he would not help.

The visit with Cameron raised a lot of questions. Was being a performer so important for me? Was it not my mother's dream? I just did what everyone expected of me. My life was built on being a famous celebrity. I was told that if Shirley Temple could, then so could I. I was a success. But this came at a huge price. My family was the most dysfunctional family ever. I had no privacy. The media scrutinised everything that I have done. I grew up as public property and was always being judged.

I was tired of fame and the media. I was tired of trying to please everyone. Maybe life would be better if I was not a celebrity.

I needed time to figure out who I was. Was I transgender or did I just like being feminine? Remember this was 1987, and being transgender was not a way of getting people's respect. Since I was a child, I have been treated like a girl and at times I did not know if I was a girl or a boy. The media treated my feminine ways as if I was a sinner and corrupted everyone that was a fan. I was now 18 and it was now up to me how I would dress and what my identity was. This being said, I don't think that the media would give me peace. They would judge me on anything I have done.

Everyone seemed to be pushing me on some sort of comeback. Everyone was right, I had an album that flopped. I was humiliated in the press for being a sissy. I was so afraid of trying to have a comeback. I could not deal with another flop. Would people accept me for my music or just think I was a weird crossdresser? Every time I started to ask myself who I truly was and if people would buy my music, I had anxiety attacks.

One day, I was so upset when I saw an article in the newspaper that I was planning to get a sex change, now that I was 18. This of course was fake news and it both upset me and depressed me. How could people be so mean and publish lies? Was this a payback because I also lied about my identity? I did not want to be hurt again. I emptied my wardrobe of everything that was feminine. I burnt all the clothes in the backyard.

A few days later, I held a press conference where I made the following statement. " I have been blessed that I could make music and had success at doing this. This was my mother's dream and I hope that she is proud of my achievements. I am now an adult and I have a choice in what I want to do. I always wanted to be a teacher. I have thought long and hard about my future, and now I wish to follow my dream. I am officially resigning from the entertainment business and will study to be a teacher. I hope you will respect my privacy. Thank you."

Dad was waiting for me inside the house and was extremely mad at my decision to retire. He kept on asking me if this was the thanks I gave him after all the work that he had done. He called me a loser and a wimp. This hurt a lot more than anything fans or the media said about me. It confirmed that Dad never did care about my happiness. I was just a money tree for him.

I got a phone call a few days later from a small university. The woman was very nice and admitted that she always loved my music. At the same time, she thought it was noble of me to want to be a teacher. She offered me a place at the university where I could get a degree to be a teacher. I jumped up and down with joy and quickly accepted the position.

It was a few days before I started at the university that I had a meeting with the accountant. I thought that I would have a lot of money. He told me this was not the case. Dad broke several laws where he used the majority of the money on gambling, drugs and bad investments. On top of this, I owed millions to the taxman. I still was a millionaire and I could live off the royalties that I would get, but I was not as rich as I thought I would be. I did not know if I should scream or not. I was lucky in a way, that I was not bankrupt.

The only thing that kept me sane was the university. For the first time in my life, others did not look at me like some celebrity or something different. The students and staff did care what I wore. The university had students that were yuppies, flower children or momma's boys. There were even a few transvestites. I dressed a lot in denim, which was nothing special. My hair was still long. I always hated my short hair. The good thing was that I quickly met some friends, that did not care about my past or what the newspapers said about me. It was the first time in a long time that I could smile!

I had to control my finances, so my accountant was instructed not to give Dad any access to my money. He was no longer paid as my manager. I gave him a small allowance which probably went to pay for his drink and drugs. Dad was of course not happy with this. I did not care. When he called me names or say how much he disliked me, I answered why should I care what an alcoholic and a drug addict said. I stood up to Dad and reminded him that I was retired from show business. I was happy now at university and if he did not like it, then that was his problem.

I did not see much of Chloe, as she was busy with her career. She was still planning her first album and was puzzled why Cameron would not help her. I did not like when she talked about her career. It hurt me in some way and made me jealous. One important thing that happened between us was that I got on my knees and asked her to marry me. This made Chloe so happy and yet she nearly fainted when I asked her. She asked me if I really meant it. We must have kissed and made out for an hour after we were officially engaged.

The university was doing a show where the students would perform. My friends told me it would be so cool if I performed. I laughed and said that I performed enough for two lifetimes and now I was retired. I refused to do the show. A part of me was still afraid of performing. I did not want to be rejected or hurt anymore. My friends did not know anything about my fear, but they accepted that I did not want to perform.

Ronny recovered from the overdose that he had, and I could not help but blame myself. Dad ignored him as a child and he was so jealous that I got all the attention. He did ruin my reputation by selling pictures of me in a dress. Despite all this, he was family. I told Ronny that he could move into our house and live there. No family member of ours should live on the streets. I also told Ronny that I forgave him. Selling the pictures in a way stopped all the lies I have been telling the press. Now I was happy at university and looked forward to the day that I could be a teacher.

It was in one of my classes at university that I finally accepted who I was. I was not a sissy or transgendered. I was not a man who wanted a sex change. I was not a sinner or weird. I always knew in my heart that I was gender fluid. I could be like Boy George, that was a man and not afraid to show the feminine side of himself. I could wear pink. I could wear make-up. The big thing was that I was happy with who I was.