Idol
Idol - 1988- Age 19
It was a long time since I was so happy. I felt as if I now accepted who I was. This meant that I was not normal, but what was normal? I was genderfluid and proud of it. I did not have to be masculine. I could be feminine when I wanted to be. If I wanted long hair or make-up, then why should anyone care? If I wanted to wear pink or even a dress, how could this be bad? I was gender fluid! It could have been a result of how I was raised. It was something that was part of me. Denying it would only mean that I would be unhappy. To be honest, it was a relief and took a lot off my shoulders that I finally admitted who I was.
I tried to convince myself that being retired was a good thing. I had more privacy and the media thought that I was old news. I was now at the university and I could do something good with my life as a teacher. I was engaged to get married to Chloe. I am sure that I loved her. This love was confusing, as was it the love of a good friend or a more romantic love? Was it a limited love, If I truly loved Chloe, then would I not have supported her more in her ambition to be a pop star? I think this all meant that a part of me missed show business, and a part of me wished that I did not retire.
There was one letter from a fan that made me think that I made a mistake. It was a teenage boy that was teased at school because he was transgendered. He wrote that he was thankful when I told the media to support bedwetters and give them the love and understanding that they deserve. When the media wrote that I was transgender and a sissy, he thought that I could be a role model and tell the world that even transgenders needed to be respected and understood. Needless to say, he felt as if I let him down because I decided to retire and now was in hiding.
I felt so bad when I read this letter as if I let the boy down. It made me realize that I had good sides and bad sides. I was by no means a saint! Look at how I treated those that were closest to me. I made Nick feel bad that he was gay. This was nothing compared to how I treated Chloe. I was not sure if I loved her enough to marry her. Not only this, but I did my best to sabotage her career as a pop star. It was obvious that I could be selfish and jealous and I could hurt others.
Ronny always reminded me that I always thought that the world revolved around me. Maybe he was right. It was not as if he did not have enough problems himself. Despite that he nearly died of an overdose, he was still high most of the time. At times, I could not even come in contact with him, as it was like he was in another world. Both Ronny and Dad made life at home unbearable at times. They were both addicts and both thought I was to blame for all their troubles.
The one good thing in my life was university. I loved studying and learning. It opened a whole new life for me. It made me feel part of a group and everything I did was not scrutinized. I was also so happy that I got good grades. I looked forward to the day when I could teach and open the minds of young people and influence their lives through knowledge. I was sure that I would be a cool and dedicated teacher. With the royalties I had from my music career, I would not mind how little teachers get paid.
Chloe was struggling to do her first album. I told her that it is not as easy as it looks. She was ambitious and wanted to be a success. She begged me to do a solo with her. I put my foot down and told her that I was not going to do anything in the music business again. I was retired and now I was finally happy. If I did the duet, it would open old wounds. This was the excuse I gave to Chloe. She was not told the full truth. That was that I had no intention of helping her. She did not know how jealous I was. She did not know how much I wanted her to fail. Why could she not be like anyone else, and not do something that I flopped at?
Dad was as impossible as he ever was. He was always begging for money. I would say no as I did not want to spend money on drugs and drinking. I could see how every time Dad used them, he died a bit more. The drugs and drink destroyed and controlled Ronny and Dad's life. Dad would get mad when I refused and call me stingy. This would cause an argument where I would accuse him of misusing my money when he had it. In return, Dad would threaten to me to take me to court for breaking his manager contract. There was nothing that I could do except walk away and remind him that no one would listen to an old addict.
The problems I had with Ronny and Dad hurt me. My family was very important to me, and I did not know how to help them. At the same time, I made sure that it did not interfere with my studies. I was determined to get my degree and become a teacher. I would not let my dad or Ronny destroy my ambition to do this. I did get some support from Cameron that defended me in an interview by saying that I never decided to be feminine. It was my mother and grandmother that raised me as a girl. In the interview, he said that I did not know the difference between a boy and a girl. I just acted the way my mother and granny expected. It was embarrassing in a way that he was talking about my past. In another way, it was good that the truth was out. I am sure that Cameron would rather talk about his work than his brother.
I did meet one good friend at university. His name was Daniel. He was gay and this made me think that I had a talent for making gay friends. I didn't like him because he was gay, I liked his honesty. He admitted to me that he never did like my music. He also thought that I could be a diva at times.
It was at a party where Daniel, Nick and Chloe were there that I first got drunk. Daniel had a bottle of whiskey with him. The first glass tasted like petrol. The more I drank, the more it tasted ok. I started feeling tipsy. Then this progressed to being drunk. It was a weird feeling. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted to have fun. I think at one stage, Daniel and I started to wrestle on the bed like two small boys. Besides this, I do not remember anything else that happened.
The next day, Nick was still there. He was extremely mad at me. He wanted to know why I would get drunk, considering it was a problem that Dad and Ronny had. Nick thought I was a disgrace when I was drunk and embarrassed. He disliked the fact that I wrestled with Daniel on the bed. He thought it was erotic and a shame that Chloe had to experience it. I was in no mood to discuss anything. I had a huge hangover. It felt like a plane crashed in my head. I just told Nick that he was jealous. He always wanted to have a romantic relationship with me. Nick shouted that I could be so mean. He stormed out, leaving me with my hangover.
The record company decided to make whatever money they could off of me. A greatest hits album was released. It was called "Pandora's Box." I must admit that this was a cool name. I refused to do any promotion for it, as I reminded them that I retired. The album entered the top 20 in most countries, which must have annoyed the record company. I think a lot of artists would love to be in the top 20, but it showed the record company and me that the huge fan base I once had was now a small one. I was no longer relevant!
It was at this time, that I became a fan of Madonna. She released very successful albums and was the queen of pop. I liked that she was a rebel and did not care what others thought about her. This made her very controversial. She had a very huge influence on me. All my life, I was afraid of what people thought and I wanted to please everyone. Now, I wanted to follow Madonna's example and do things that I wanted to do. I wanted to dress the way I wanted and act the way I wanted. If people did not like this, then this was their problem.
This meant that I wore very bright and colourful clothes, long tops that went to my knees, mascara and subtle make-up. I went as far as to dye my hair pink. I was comfortable with how I looked. If the word did not like it, then that was their problem. I was not going to conform to the world and dress like people expected me to do. I am sure that Nick would have been proud of me, but he was still not speaking with me.
Chloe was not happy. Her album did not sell and she was so disappointed. She worked so hard for it and could not understand that people did not want to listen to her. She blamed me for not supporting her enough. She thought that it was selfish of me to refuse to do a duet with her. What would she have thought of if she knew that I did everything to sabotage her career? I felt bad at how selfish and jealous I was, that would not even help my future wife.
Things changed for me. After Cameron told the world about my childhood and being feminine was the way that Mom and Granny treated me, it was as if people had some sympathy for me. A paparazzi man took a picture of me with my new pink hair. I smiled and told him that I was proud to be gender fluid. This was of course in the newspaper. While the press was once so mean at judging me by calling me a sissy and other things, they were now saying how refreshing it was to see someone true to themselves and a rebel to conservatism and what people expected. The media could be enemies one day and friends another day.
The greatest hits suddenly became very popular and went to the top of the charts. Daniel said that it was probably because the whole gay community were now my fans. I didn't care who was my fan. It was nice that the negative publicity stopped and a great feeling that I was once again on the top of the charts. I must admit that it made me miss show business and regret that I retired. Still, my mind was made up. I was determined to get my degree.
Dad blamed me for all his troubles and I was getting more and more tired of him. So I announced one day that I would be selling the mansion and moving to a smaller house. It was never my choice to move to a mansion. I did not like big houses. I wanted something small and cosy. It would also give me a chance to live by myself and let Dad and Rory fend for themselves. One thing for certain was that I would not allow them to live with me. I would buy them a small apartment, so they would not be homeless.
It was at this time that Daniel asked me to perform a charity show at the university. I was still afraid to perform and at the same time, I did not want to disappoint Daniel.
