Idol

Idol - 1980- Age 11
Fame is an illusion. A lot of secrets to hide

Both my single and album were now in the top 40 because of the success of the talk show. Dad was disappointed that they did not go to the top 10. I figured that I would never please Dad. The fact that he never paid attention to me or visited me unless it had something to do with singing meant that in a way I wanted to have his attention. I wanted my dad to love me for who I was. I do not think that this was too much to ask.

I suddenly was getting fans. There were articles and pictures of me, especially in the magazines that teens read. The things that the magazines wrote were mostly lying. For one thing, they wrote that I was cute with long hair that was slightly curly. I was supposed to be a skater, that loved biking, the beach and playing soccer. I was a rebel, that wanted long hair like a rockstar and even had my ears pierced. All this was a lie. I never did these things. I suppose it would not have helped me if they wrote the truth. What would the new fans say if they knew that I loved dressing as a girl and living as a girl? What would they say if they knew that mom treated me as a girl and then granny continued this? I don't think they would be my fan if they knew that I wore diapers to bed and always had a pacifier with me.

It was strange that journalists didn't ask anyone in school. Maybe the children at school did not want to admit that they bullied me and constantly teased me for being a sissy that was short for my age. Things were getting bad at school. They were now saying that I was gay, especially because I had earrings in both ears. How was I to know that this was a sign of being gay? To be honest, I did not want any sort of romance. I was just not interested in it. Maybe when I was older, I would be.

Supremity records and Mr Spenser was suddenly interested in me again. They wanted to give me a new contract. This was a bit bad because I was getting used to the fact that I could be normal. I read articles that Michael Jackson was famous and had all the fame he could ever want. However, it came at a huge price. It meant that he had no childhood and he was constantly in the media's eye. I did not want this. I had more secrets than Michael Jackson. The fact was that no one asked me what I wanted. Dad negotiated a new contract where he had creativity rights over anything I did and it would be a 5 album deal with a higher royalty. If things worked out, I would be working very hard at making people rich.

After the contract was signed, Dad and Mr Spenser met with me. They told me that my image was important. They wanted me to be a boy that adults thought was down to earth and cute. They wanted girls to have a crush on me and boys wanted to be me. This meant that I had to become the person they wanted me to be or act the way they wanted me to be. They did not want news that I was a girl most of the time and even wore diapers in bed. The agent said that these fetishes would turn many people off. Dad added that it was about time I grew up and acted the way God wanted me to be.

I never heard of the word fetish before. Maybe it's good we didn't have google when I was young. I don't know how I would have reacted if I googled the word.

It was time to visit the doctor for the blocker shot. I hated that big needle but trusted that the doctor knew it was best for me. I did not quite understand what the blocker did. I understood it helped my voice and meant I would not get a beard. Besides the blocker shot, the doctor mentioned that I was extremely small for my age. I asked was this because I wet the bed? The doctor said no and told me how I could stop wetting the bed. I could drink less and use a bed alarm. In a way, I was now used to the diapers and wanted to continue to wear them.

I was a bit worried that I was so small. This meant that I was quiet over the next few days. Cameron tried to cheer me up by telling me I now got my wish and I was famous. He even bought me some mascara and powder for my cheeks. It was nice that he finally cared for me and that he no longer bullied and teased me. Another interesting thing happened. Cameron showed me some songs he had been working on. I loved them! The music was so catchy and the lyrics were great. Cameron and I would practice the songs where he would play a keyboard. I had so much fun performing Cameron's songs. I tried to persuade Cameron that he should show the record company. Cameron just sighed and said they would not like his songs, and they would say that he was too young.

Cameron did work for me in a way. He read all my fan mail and showed me the ones that he thought I would like. This was good as some of the mail I got was very disgusting and would give anyone nightmares. Some of it was even dangerous. Some wanted to kidnap me and even kill me. I did read some of the mail. It was usually nice that people loved my album and they wanted to see me live. Some loved my long hair and thought I was cool.

It was strange reading what people thought of me. They did not know the truth. I was not the cool rock star that they thought I was. At home, I dressed as a girl and even did what any girl would do. Not only this, but Granny started treating me as a toddler. I was sure she was gone senile. She would give me a bib when I ate or would give me a sippy cup. She even gave me a baby bottle when I was in bed. One day when I came home from some work in the studio, she had a huge crib for me. The thing I did not complain about the treatment. I let her treat me like a toddler! I felt as if I was in a bubble when I was a toddler and there was no pressure or pretence. Being treated like a toddler was being taken care of and protected with no expectations

Another single was released from the album. This was probably to cash in from the sudden success of the album. The record company wanted to know if I was a one-hit-wonder. The single was called "Heart of a Lion". It was a candy pop dance song that had lyrics that made no sense. Despite this, it managed to get in the top 40. It did not sell as well as the previous one, but the record company was quite happy. They wanted me to go on a mini-tour of 10 cities. I was looking forward to this! I loved performing and making people have a good time.

While I was waiting to go on tour, Dad announced that I would not be going to school anymore. I would be homeschooled. The tutor could also come with me when I was on tour. I did not mind this, as I hated school and all I ever experienced was bullying, judgement and hatred. Chloe and Nick were sad that I wouldn't be at school. They told me that they already missed me, and bet that fame would change my personality and I would find other friends. I told them that they were my best friends. I would not change in any way because some people bought an album.

The sudden success meant that I was busy. There were so many that wanted to do interviews and on TV many shows wanted me to perform. Dad had a policy that I should only do the important ones. I loved performing, but interviews were so hard to do. I did not want to talk about the music. They wanted to talk about my personal life. I tried my best to avoid personal questions, as I had a lot to hide. I did not want to discuss why I lived with granny and that she was senile. I did not want people to know that I was a toddler girl at home. I think that Dad was right. If people knew the real me, they would never understand and I would lose what popularity I had. This meant that I had to pretend that I was someone else. This was not easy to do and it took a lot of energy.

It was time to go on the mini-tour. It was only 10 cities, as Dad said it was just to give people a chance to see me. There was no glitter or fancy things at the concerts. It was just me singing. I was once again dressed as a rocker boy, although I did smile that none of them knew I was wearing girl panties underneath. I loved performing and it was great when the audience sang along. It was at this time that I knew that I loved touring as it was when I could see a reaction from the fans. The performances were at theatres, so this meant that you could see how fun people had. The only thing I did not like about touring was the travelling. My tutor wanted me to study and I was so tired of performing and the travel. It was also here that Dad would point out the mistakes I made when I performed.

After the tour, I had some time off. This meant that I was once again living as a toddler girl. Granny was getting more senile every day. She started believing that I was a toddler and this intensified her treatment of me. I did not mind. I felt as if I was in peace. I did not want any interviews or even visits from Chloe or Nick. I felt safe as a toddler girl, but I also knew it was not normal behaviour. It would be more than embarrassing if people found out.

Dad came by one day to tell me that the record company wanted me to do another album. He was not pleased with what he saw. I was taking a nap when he came, so he found me in a crib wearing a onesie with a pacifier in my mouth. Beside me was an empty baby bottle. Despite I was not wearing a diaper, I looked in every way like a toddler. Dad lost his temper and shouted that he put up with a son that wears dresses, he put up with a son that wet the bed... but this was the limit. He stormed out of the house.

The next few months were hard for me. Granny refused to let me live with Dad so she took dad to court to get custody of me. Dad fought granny in court and wanted me out of her house. I was afraid that the court case would reveal all my secrets, but Dad did not mention them. He told the court that he was now ready to take care of me and that granny was now old and senile. The press was having a field day about the court case. They did not think it was a battle over me, they thought it was a battle over any money I had or my career. The record company was delighted about the court case. They said it was publicity, and it would just mean that my fans would have sympathy for me.

The court announced that Cameron and I would be living with Dad. So it was one of the saddest times in my life when I packed and said goodbye to granny. I knew that this would break Grannie's heart and felt as if it was my fault.

As soon as I was home with Dad he told me about the changes in my life. I would no longer get puberty blockers. I would no longer be allowed to dress or act like a girl and I would not allow any things that a toddler had. He showed that he meant business by snatching the pacifier out of my mouth and throwing my suitcase out

What could I do except cry?