Idol

Idol - 1981- Age 12
Living with Dad brings unwanted changes

I missed Granny. Living with Dad was like living in a concentration camp. He threw away all my clothes, toys, dolls and baby things. I still had to use diapers at nighttime but not my pacifier. If I was normal, I would have appreciated this. In a year I would be a teenager. Dad wanted me to be a normal teenage boy that dressed and acted like any other boy. Granny treated me as a toddler girl, but I think it was out of love for me and she wanted me to be myself. I did not think that Dad did this out of love. He did it because of his religious beliefs and my career.

The only time that Dad ever spoke with me was when it was to tell me how a boy should act or to talk about my career. I was about to do a film and record my third album. Dad would tell me what he expected and what I should do. It was as usual a lot of expectation and pressure on me. Who knows if people had enough of me and the next album would be a success. As for the film, who knew if I could even act. I often thought that most boys were worried about the next exams and had a paper route. I had a job that adults had and could be retired before others my age even started a job!

As I said, Cameron and I often had fun where he would show me a song he had written and I would sing it. His songs were different and I loved them. They were pop but not like other songs on the radio. They were fresher. Maybe it was because Cameron was 17 and he knew what young people liked. I tried telling Dad that we should use Cameron's songs for the next album. Dad told me to leave those things up to him. He did not think that Cameron had any talent. I tried to tell Dad that he should listen, but he would not even hear. He said that I was an instrument of God. My voice is a gift and it should be used in the service of God. Dad said my next album would be a gospel album.

I was getting ready to do the film and did not have so much free time. Chloe visited me one day and was quite upset with me. She was mad that I did not visit her for ages and I had even forgotten her birthday. I tried to explain to her that I have been busy between my career, the court case and getting used to living with Dad. I even tried to tell Chloe about the film. Chloe stormed off while crying that I no longer needed her as a friend. When she went stepmom hugged me and said, "Let's hope you did not lose the first friend you ever had. Friends will want to see you for who you are and not your career. You indeed have a talent for singing and you have had some success. Do not let this define who you are. Let your personality and good heart define you."

I believed in what stepmom said. She was the only one that did not see me as an idol or transgendered. She saw me as who I was!

It was time to do the film. It was based on a true story of two princes in England that were imprisoned by their mean uncle and ended up being murdered. It was a sad story of the civil war and the princes that were victims. I do not know how much I liked acting, as we had to do each screen countless times. The director was very strict on where I should stand and how I should act. I was used to doing what I was told but was insecure about my abilities to act. The one thing I did like was the clothes. They were silky and I wore leggings. The leggings reminded me of tights, which I was no longer allowed to wear. Dad said nothing, but he was demanding about other things. There was even one stage where the director demanded that Dad be escorted off the set! Needless to say, Dad vowed we would never work with that director again!

This was when I found out that Dad was not liked by everyone. I don't know if I loved him. I do know that I was afraid of him. We never had a conversation. Dad would only tell me what his next plans were for me and what I should do. He tried to wipe away my past as a girly boy away by forbidding everything that I was used to. He even told me he did not want me wearing diapers to bed and reminded me that I was no longer a baby. He warned me that if I wet the bed, I could sleep in my puddle of urine. Stepmom tried to stand up for me, but I think she was afraid of Dad as well.

I was waiting to start recording my next album and the film was under post-production. Dad still made me work. He had me performing at festivals and anywhere someone wanted to hear me. On top of that there I had to go to a photo studio every week to take promotion pictures. I knew that these would be in magazines and on teenagers' walls. It was strange to think a picture of me would be up in some bedroom I would never see. At times I just wanted to do normal things a child my age would do. At the same time, I had no clue what a child my age did.

Ronny was now 19, and he was still as mean as he ever was. He did not study or work and just hung around his gang. He hated me and still bullied me. He thought I had money because of the success I had. He would not believe that I never saw a penny of it. Ronny even threatened me by saying the press would pay him a lot of money to hear about my secrets. He asked would I like the press to know that I liked being a sissy that wet the bed?

Living with Dad made me so depressed and it was as if I was living in fear. I missed my mom and I missed granny. I was afraid of my dad and Ronny. I was afraid that my success would stop. I realized that I was depressed and living in fear. One day when I asked once again if we could use Cameron's songs, Dad got mad and started screaming. I do not know why I did it, but I wet myself on purpose. This made Dad get even madder. He found a wooden spoon and waved it at me, threatening that he would beat me until I could be how he wanted me to be. It was only when Stepmom stepped between him and me, that I was safe. She calmed dad down by saying what would the press say if they knew that I was hit?

It was about this time that I became a rebel. One day while we were looking at photos of me at the studio, I sneaked into Mr Spenser's office. I showed him a demo tape that had me singing songs that Cameron sang. I begged Mr Spenser if we can use some of Cameron's songs on the album. Mr Spenser listened to them and said that it would be too much of a risk. I used my puppy eyes to persuade him that we had nothing to lose. He had a choice to do Dad's gospel album that would not even sell or take a chance. Mr Spenser said he would give Cameron a chance, and he even persuaded Dad even though Dad had creative rights. I would bet that Dad smelled more money as now Cameron would also be getting a share.

It was shortly after this that I got an idea when I was homeschooled. The teacher was a pessimist and would tell me how screwed up the world is. There was famine and many people did not even have human rights. We could die at any time if a nuclear weapon fell on us. This did not help my depression and I was afraid of another thing. I talked with Cameron about it and we decided we would write a song about how hard it was that we could not solve the problems of the world. The song's name was "Oh little ones".

It was time to enter the studio and record the album. The album had Cameron's songs and I loved doing every minute of it. We had the same musicians as the last album and the same producer, so I felt at home recording the album. My voice was still soprano and the producer said I never sang better. The album was pop, radio-friendly and sounded very modern and new. I loved it. Even if it flopped, I would be proud of it. It was named "Can sing forever" and the only thing I did not like was the album cover. It had me wearing Adidas shorts and I was shirtless. I knew the record company wanted to promote me as a teen sex symbol. But I felt as if I was too young to be that, especially when the record company said I was younger than I was.

Things did not change at home. Dad was still a tyrant and was always mad at me. One day I was looking at one of my stepmom's women's magazines. Dad started calling me a sissy and gay, and he would never be proud of me. I ran into my bedroom and started crying. Stepmom came in and gave me a pink pacifier, saying that she knew that it helped me to relax and cut out the things I did not like. I was told that I could keep it, once I hid it so Dad did not know.

The record company released a single called "Say No". It was a song Cameron wrote about people like Ronny, that said yes to drugs and alcohol and had no future. The song had a video of me dressed in a sparkly mini Elvis suit dancing around a coffin. The video was shown on a new TV station called MTV. The song entered the top 20, and it looked as if it would perform like my previous singles.

Then a news article was released. Ronny carried out his threat and told the press about Mom's death. It was heartbreaking that I had to read that Mom died in a car accident when Dad and Mom were arguing about me. It was like reliving the whole thing once again and feeling the guilt once again. The funny thing is that my bad memories meant that people sympathised with me and "Say No" shot up the charts and was now at number one!

Dad did not seem to care I had my first number one. It must also have bought back memories for him. He told me that it was about time that I cut my hair. Stepmom tried to remind Dad that my long hair was part of my image. Dad did not care. He wanted my hair cut. I was in tears and shouted that under no circumstances would I cut my hair. I stormed into my room and locked the door. Dad never carried out the threat. The news article about mom's death must have hurt him. It also made me think that Dad hated me and blamed me.

"Can sing forever" was released and it entered the charts at number one. It was now that I felt as if I fulfilled moms wish. I was finally famous and an idol just like Shirley Temple. I visited granny to tell her the good news. She was not so senile that she did not recognise me, but she did ask why I was dressed as a boy. "A girl like you should always look pretty and her best." I talked to granny about the success I was having while she braided my hair. She interrupted my boasting by telling me she did not need to know about my career, she could read about that. She wanted to talk about my life. There was not much to say.

Shortly after "Oh little ones" was released as a single, and it was my second number one! I could not celebrate this success as Dad told me that Granny died.