Well, Christmas turned out ok. My daughter and i made a gingerbread train, she opened every present in the world, and generally turned my house upside down (but in a good way), and then the ex came over and we had a civilized Christmas dinner. All in all, a good Christmas. I hope all of you had good ones as well.

Well, I would like to take a break from my regularly scheduled whining and remember all the gifts i have been given this Christmas. These are in no particular order, but here goes:

1: my home. In a time when far too many have none, i have a safe, warm bed, a fridge full of food, lights, TV, internet, and i can dress how i please in it

2: My mom. Her acceptance of me as Dorothy has simply amazed me, and gives me such comfort when i am struggling.

3: My daughter. I love that bundle of energy more than i thought i could love anyone, and i know she feels the same about me.

"Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as any cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door."

Well, I found out the girl at my daughter's daycare is taken, so that's a no go, I guess. The funny thing was how RELIEVED I was when i found that out. I had escaped having to take the next step and try and ask her out, which I was not sure I was capable of. I am also not sure where that leaves me for finding someone to love, however. There are a couple of possibilities from among my friends online, but in all honesty, I am uncertain how that kind of relationship works.

Well, I wanted to reassure everyone who has been worried about me that I am okay. I have had no repeat of "glitch" that made me feel like hurting myself. I do want to assure everyone that should i feel like that again, I will run, not walk to my nearest ER or call the support hot line A.S.A.P. As for my proscribing doctor, well, he is gone until the new year, but I will mention the episode to him when I see him.

Well, as of yesterday, "Santa School" has become my most successful piece to date in terms of comments left, surpassing even "The Dead Kid". Fifteen people have taken the time and effort to say something publicly about it, and that is wonderful, and I wish to thank them, as well as everyone who left a kudo. Regardless of how it does in terms of the Christmas contest, it has been an uplifting experience for me. There is only one fly in the ointment so to speak, however. I showed it to my mom, and she said she found it sad.

My gender journey has reached an interesting point. Sometimes, I am in such pain i dont know how to function. But then, there are days like now. the pain level is less, but more steady, like Chinese water torture. I am not sure exactly what I can do about it. I have done all i can right now, or at least thats what it feels like.

I have something that I would like to be able to share, but I am leery of actually sharing it since it might pain some others here. Basically, I had a flashback last night, and instead of being just a victim, i thought about writing it down. The result is a nearly full description of one of the last times i was assaulted. Trouble is, too many people here have had rapes happen to them, and i have no desire to bring those memories back for them unless they can handle them. Any ideas?

A few days ago, I had causally mentioned to my mom that next time i had some cash, I wanted to look for a ladies coat. To my surprise and delight, today she took me shopping. Even though i went in male clothes, it felt like a genuine mother-daughter shopping trip. We found a nice coat that fit me, and I feel much better for it. Do I have the best mom, or what?

I went to an online chat (IMVU, if you care to know the name) and decided to visit a christian room and get some prayer support. Unfortunately, one of the people there noticed my avatar was wearing a TG symbol, and asked me about it. I tried to explain my history, how I felt. Her response was to tell me i needed deliverance from a demon. I told her how i had prayed about this since i became a christian, prayed, begged, cried. How i even tried to kill myself, and even asked God to kill me rather than let me offend Him. How i finally reached the point where i had to accept what I am.

I just had to give an update here: I have come out to my boss at work. I have talked about my assault, and was giving her an update, and she asked me (making sure to let me know that i had the right to say it was none of her business), if i was gay, and that gave me the opening to tell her about my trans status. She was fairly nonplussed and gave me some indication that if the day came that i wanted to be working as Dorothy FT, she would do what she could to help. (unofficially) It is a big weight off my shoulders.

For those of you who are interested in such things, i would like to share with you how "No Son of Mine" came about. It started with the old Genesis song of the same name. (you can read the lyrics at: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/g/genesis/no_son_of_mine.html) Because i could truly identify with the character in the song, it was a moving piece for me from the first time I heard it. It ends pretty darkly, and at some level that bothered me. I wanted some hope, some possibility of a reconciliation. Then i saw the "loophole".

Well, it has been an interesting day, to say the least. I am still fighting a bit of a cold, so I chose to stay home and not go to church today. I went on a chat site to talk to some friends about my depression, and while we were talking, I started having a pretty strong flashback. One of my friends there has my phone number, so she called me, and listened while i cried to the point i could barely talk. Feeling slightly better after i unloaded, i fidgeted, played video games, and made lunch. Then, some remnant of my flashback nagged at me, and i started to write.

The worst part of my downs is the horrible feeling of hopelessness i suffer with. It is hard to even conceive of a good outcome, much less make positive plans. I guess i thought that the anti-depressants would be a magic fix, and not surprisingly, they are not. I am still stuck in male form, still without even hope that i will be able to change that, and wishing that it all would just end. But I am needed, by my daughter, my mother, even my ex, and taking my life would be utterly selfish. I appreciate all the support i am getting here, and I will find a way to hold on.

Sometimes, i find it hard to hold back from just telling everybody about my gender struggles, and getting it over with. Other times, I realize that to do that would bring all the consequences down on my head, without actually being able to have any real positive results, except I would be free from this terrible burden of having to lie, especially to the people i care about. I pray to God that I can endure, since I see no way to move forward at this time.

I would like to take a moment and talk about the origins of the story i published called "A Cop's Story" It stared during a horrible moment, but by the time I finished writing it, it had become a sign of my progress. You see, I started having a flashback at work, and it was terrible, and i wasn't in a position to do much at that moment. But, instead of just being a victim, I responded by writing, and before long, i had mastered the flashback, and i had crafted (what i think) is a pretty good little story too.