My gender journey has reached an interesting point. Sometimes, I am in such pain i dont know how to function. But then, there are days like now. the pain level is less, but more steady, like Chinese water torture. I am not sure exactly what I can do about it. I have done all i can right now, or at least thats what it feels like.

I have something that I would like to be able to share, but I am leery of actually sharing it since it might pain some others here. Basically, I had a flashback last night, and instead of being just a victim, i thought about writing it down. The result is a nearly full description of one of the last times i was assaulted. Trouble is, too many people here have had rapes happen to them, and i have no desire to bring those memories back for them unless they can handle them. Any ideas?

A few days ago, I had causally mentioned to my mom that next time i had some cash, I wanted to look for a ladies coat. To my surprise and delight, today she took me shopping. Even though i went in male clothes, it felt like a genuine mother-daughter shopping trip. We found a nice coat that fit me, and I feel much better for it. Do I have the best mom, or what?

I went to an online chat (IMVU, if you care to know the name) and decided to visit a christian room and get some prayer support. Unfortunately, one of the people there noticed my avatar was wearing a TG symbol, and asked me about it. I tried to explain my history, how I felt. Her response was to tell me i needed deliverance from a demon. I told her how i had prayed about this since i became a christian, prayed, begged, cried. How i even tried to kill myself, and even asked God to kill me rather than let me offend Him. How i finally reached the point where i had to accept what I am.

I just had to give an update here: I have come out to my boss at work. I have talked about my assault, and was giving her an update, and she asked me (making sure to let me know that i had the right to say it was none of her business), if i was gay, and that gave me the opening to tell her about my trans status. She was fairly nonplussed and gave me some indication that if the day came that i wanted to be working as Dorothy FT, she would do what she could to help. (unofficially) It is a big weight off my shoulders.

For those of you who are interested in such things, i would like to share with you how "No Son of Mine" came about. It started with the old Genesis song of the same name. (you can read the lyrics at: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/g/genesis/no_son_of_mine.html) Because i could truly identify with the character in the song, it was a moving piece for me from the first time I heard it. It ends pretty darkly, and at some level that bothered me. I wanted some hope, some possibility of a reconciliation. Then i saw the "loophole".

Well, it has been an interesting day, to say the least. I am still fighting a bit of a cold, so I chose to stay home and not go to church today. I went on a chat site to talk to some friends about my depression, and while we were talking, I started having a pretty strong flashback. One of my friends there has my phone number, so she called me, and listened while i cried to the point i could barely talk. Feeling slightly better after i unloaded, i fidgeted, played video games, and made lunch. Then, some remnant of my flashback nagged at me, and i started to write.

The worst part of my downs is the horrible feeling of hopelessness i suffer with. It is hard to even conceive of a good outcome, much less make positive plans. I guess i thought that the anti-depressants would be a magic fix, and not surprisingly, they are not. I am still stuck in male form, still without even hope that i will be able to change that, and wishing that it all would just end. But I am needed, by my daughter, my mother, even my ex, and taking my life would be utterly selfish. I appreciate all the support i am getting here, and I will find a way to hold on.

Sometimes, i find it hard to hold back from just telling everybody about my gender struggles, and getting it over with. Other times, I realize that to do that would bring all the consequences down on my head, without actually being able to have any real positive results, except I would be free from this terrible burden of having to lie, especially to the people i care about. I pray to God that I can endure, since I see no way to move forward at this time.

I would like to take a moment and talk about the origins of the story i published called "A Cop's Story" It stared during a horrible moment, but by the time I finished writing it, it had become a sign of my progress. You see, I started having a flashback at work, and it was terrible, and i wasn't in a position to do much at that moment. But, instead of just being a victim, I responded by writing, and before long, i had mastered the flashback, and i had crafted (what i think) is a pretty good little story too.

Well, I posted my latest story, and I am waiting to see how well it is received. I am not going to beg here for kudos or comments unless they are deserved, but weather or not the story continues will depend somewhat on the response. I happen to think it was funny, but I am the AUTHOR for heaven's sake, so what do I know? I hope it lightened at least a few people's day, but we will have to see.

Well, this might be my last update for a bit. I am writing like crazy, and i would like to finish my current project before life catches up with me. Hugs to all, and I will be back when i can post it.

I have discovered a side effect of my little breakthrough the other day. I seem to have lost any protection i had from my emotions and they are in overdrive. I am hyper-cycling, with my ups and downs going like a roller coaster traveling at about Mach 10. I am going from stratospheric highs to crying from utter depths of depression in less time than it took to write this paragraph. I am not sure exactly what I can do about this, except ride it out and hope things slow down soon.

Well, first i want to thank everyone who offered support to me by leaving a comment on my last entry. Each one of you helped me greatly, and I thank and bless you. But I also have some big news to share. First, I have to relate a story, and forgive me if I have told it before: When I was 16 years old, I saw the movie "The Wall", and I became fascinated with the concept of having a wall. I then did something a little odd - I prayed to God to have my walls come down. Well, be careful what you pray for, to mangle a quote. I discovered that I didn't just have walls to keep others out.

Well, for all my anxiety before I went out today, things could not have gone better. I got dressed up, I stopped for gas, I went to the coffee shop, and nobody blinked. Then I met my friend, and she was lovely, gracious, and we hit it off like two old girl friends catching up. We chatted, laughed, and gossiped for more than two hours. Best of all, she said she could definitely see me as female, which made my day, week, year, and possibly century. Wow! I can't wait to do it again!

I know to some people regarding your dreams as something worth thinking about once you wake is a little odd, but I do. I don't necessarily think that they are messages from God, but I think they often show me whats going on in my head better than i can sometimes express it when i am awake. So last night, I had a dream of being in a large room, perhaps a gym that had been converted into something like a flea market. I recognized most of the people there. Then a girl came up to me, shook me, and said, "When are you going to stop running?