The above quote is from the old cartoon, "The Jetsons". As the end credits rolled, the main character would get on a treadmill, only to have it go completely out of control. I feel a bit like that. I am running my heart out just to stay in the same place, and ever once in a while, I slide under, get crumpled, and then spat back out to start running again. And the idea of actually getting any traction seems like a no-go. But I wont stop. I will keep fighting, keep trying to find a way to be Dorothy full time. Thanks again to "Team Dorothy" who have picked me up and put me back on track.

Well, thanks to some wonderful people (you know who you are) I have survived my down, and am headed up. You know, I should make a poster that says "I am NOT worthless, a loser, or a joke! I am valued, loved, and created for a purpose!" in case I forget again. I would like to say I wont hear that voice telling me how horrible I am again, but hopefully, I can get better at tuning it out.

Well, down I go. I'm right on the edge of a major depression, and I don't know how to stop it. My emotional reserves are dry, I'm having flashbacks, and my job situation gets worse each day. Pray for me.

Well, I should know better than to get my hopes too high. I had gotten a call from the manager at the restaurant that is in my old work, and made the assumption she was interested in hiring me. Since she had talked about it before, and already said she would have had no problem with me being Dorothy if it was up to her, I started to have dreams of being able to be a waitress. Of course, I was wrong, and she just wanted to pass on a lead she gotten from a customer. Nice of her, I know, but not what I was hoping for. Ah, well.

Well, yesterday was a full day. I picked up my check from the telephone sales job (I made 300 dollars in 3 days, so not bad)

When we say something is "hysterical" we usually mean that's a good thing. But sometimes, I think laughter can lead to hysteria in the sense of a loss of control. At least I think thats what happened to me last night. I was talking with my girlfriend Kylie, and I started laughing, until I was in pain, having trouble breathing, and yet being unable to stop. I'm not sure what that means.

I wanted send out a public thank-you to Beth W., who spent time on the phone with me yesterday, on her dime. Bless you, sister. Sadly, I am fighting a fever, so its going to be a while before I feel 100 %

Well, the job is done. I thought they would give me the whole 2 weeks to try it, but they decided I just wasnt aggressive enough to be able to do it. On the one hand, I am pretty upset about that, but I am trying to focus on the positive. I got a chance to try out being Dorothy in a real-life situation, and didn't do all that badly. But now, the hard part. I will probably have to file Dorothy away and look for a job as Todd. Ah, well.

Well, I finished my 1st day of work as Dorothy. The good news is that my trans status mattered not at all. After the morning meeting, nobody failed to call me Dorothy, and a couple of girls walked with me to a coffee place for lunch, and obviously had no problem being seen with me. The only bad news is that the job is rather stressful, insofar that you are under some pressure to make sales. Keep praying for me.

This entry deals with some tough stuff, and might be triggering, read with caution

Well, last night I got a chance to celebrate my upcoming job with the local tg group. Everyone was, of course, thrilled for me, and several took the time to calm my nervousness by telling me they can see my growing confidence in terms of portraying a run-of-the-mill woman. (As opposed to me feeling like a I looked like a man in drag) Still got a lot of butterflies in my tummy though. A prayer for me about Monday would be appreciated.

With apologies to Tom Petty, that's pretty much where I am right now. It is so hard to just....wait. I have nothing to rely on except prayer, and patience. I hope its enough to see me through.....

well, i was rather stupid. I have been fighting tooth pain the last couple of days, and i had the chance to go to see a dentist today, and didn't take it. It would have meant waiting most of the day at the ER, and i felt better by the time i might have considered it. Now, i dont know when i might have another shot, and i wishing i had gone.

Well, I just got off the phone with the company that I had applied to. I have an interview tomorrow at 930. I am going as Dorothy. Wish me luck.