This entry deals with some tough stuff, and might be triggering, read with caution

Well, last night I got a chance to celebrate my upcoming job with the local tg group. Everyone was, of course, thrilled for me, and several took the time to calm my nervousness by telling me they can see my growing confidence in terms of portraying a run-of-the-mill woman. (As opposed to me feeling like a I looked like a man in drag) Still got a lot of butterflies in my tummy though. A prayer for me about Monday would be appreciated.

With apologies to Tom Petty, that's pretty much where I am right now. It is so hard to just....wait. I have nothing to rely on except prayer, and patience. I hope its enough to see me through.....

well, i was rather stupid. I have been fighting tooth pain the last couple of days, and i had the chance to go to see a dentist today, and didn't take it. It would have meant waiting most of the day at the ER, and i felt better by the time i might have considered it. Now, i dont know when i might have another shot, and i wishing i had gone.

Well, I just got off the phone with the company that I had applied to. I have an interview tomorrow at 930. I am going as Dorothy. Wish me luck.

Well, my Phoenix story is up. Its nearly 30,000 words long, almost three times as long as anything I have ever written. I hope people like it (and are not shy about saying so)

Well, I want to thank publicly everyone who sent me some support after my last entry. Somehow, just writing it down, getting it out in the open, made a huge difference, and the support I got pulled me the rest of the way back up the hill. That doesn't mean I wont ever struggle with not feeling "pretty" again, but I think as long as I remember I don't have to listen to that feeling, I will be okay. Meanwhile, I am reaching the home stretch in terms of my Phoenix story. I have one last issue to figure out, and that is; do I let them actually make love? Or not? Its a nice problem to have....

Well, I had a doozy of a nightmare last night. I was behind a person, who had his back to me. I tried to get his attention, and his head snapped around without his body turning, while a deep note played like from a soundtrack. It was very frightening.

Well, I am excited that there is going to be a book version of big closet. My problem is, that I have probably read hundreds of stories since I started here, and thanks to having a brain built to drain pasta, I don't remember very many of them. So how do I nominate? The other issue is my own stuff. I am finding it hard to feel comfortable putting my own writing forward, when there are so many much more talented people here. But, I am going to make an effort to do both. find something I loved to nominate, and pick something of mine i think worthy of consideration.

Well, I think the title of this entry is self-explanatory, but I will explain anyway. See, I was feeling like taking a little risk, so I wore my ladies pants to church on Sunday. I have worn them around my ex before, and she hasn't noticed the difference, so I decided to give it a shot. Nobody seemed to notice, and things went well. It was rather... fun to do. Meanwhile, I am still working on Phoenix, and have decided that my attempt to focus solely on it didn't work that well. I seem to better in short bursts, even if that means its going to take me longer. Ah, well.

Well, had an awkward moment with my brother on Friday. He stopped by to drop off some pants he bought for me, and I could tell he was feeling very uncomfortable. I think he wanted to talk about the emails we have been sharing, but he was obviously not sure how to treat me. Then he did something very odd. Taking the back of his first finger, he rubbed my belly. It was an awkward moment. I think we need a face-to-face chat, and soon.

Had a very rough day emotionally. Started with less than 3 hours of sleep last night, then my attempts to find a place willing to hire me as Dorothy failed. By the time I was taking my daughter home I was almost ready to compose a goodbye message here, in case I ended up in the hospital, or worse. But I am at least human again, thanks to Kylie. Thank her, everybody.

I love my mom, and I am glad that she accepts me as my daughter. but sometimes her negativity gets to me. When I told her I planned to drop off a resume as Dorothy, she became upset, and told me I had no chance of being hired, because I do not pass. It is hard enough to gather the courage to do this without her being like that, and I wish she would be more supportive.