Well, I was taking a count, and my next story will be my one hundredth story or poem here. Just think, at this rate I will have almost as much as "bike" by sometime in the next century (assuming no more entries come from our pal Angharad there in the meantime...)

Well, today started well, and went downhill. I had my daughter, we had a good day. But my gf Kylie is down, and by the time she went to bed, I was a worried for her. Then, I happened to read the most recent chapter of "you meant it for evil" After I read it, I started shaking and couldn't stop. My brother was committed after my dad died, and after I visited him there, I had nightmares of being committed myself, especially because I thought my gender issues meant I was crazy. Thank God for some online friends who held me together until I got my breath back.

I was reading Lilith's little rant about people taking the time to comment on stories. I want to give some examples from my own stories on how your comments make a difference to me. I wrote "Vision Spring", and the first official story "A little nudge" got 11 comments, more than enough to encourage me to to continue. I wrote "This is how a heart breaks." which got seven, but I figured I would do another one anyway. I worked very hard at the third story, taking time to research many aspects, and even found a song that fit the mood of the story.

Folks, my girlfriend needs your help. She is struggling with feeling like she isn't any good as a writer. Can anybody spare a moment to send some good wishes her way?

Well, I had the interview, and I think it went okay. I went in boy mode, and didn't mention transitioning, though, and part of me hates myself for that. I hate having to hide, it feels like lying, but I need the income if I am going to make anything happen, and maybe if I get the job, and I prove myself, I can then bring up the subject and have some hope for it.

Well, I am feeling pretty bummed over what my sister-in-law said, and its bugging me enough to want to craft some kind of response to her. I cant find the words yet, though.

Well, I just wanted to apologize for the delay in publishing anything besides this blog. I'm writing a little sweet fantasy story called "Rock Star Makeover", and real life is currently making "sweet" hard for me. It'll come soon, I promise.

Well, I managed to make my mother cry last night. She had gone to bed, but woke up at about 130 when she realized I was still up. She got very upset, and told me I was sabotaging my life, that I didn't care about her or my daughter. It has really set my mood back.

There are occasionally, stories one shouldn't read in certain moods. I loved it, but Randalynn's story "Case Closed" hit me hard. The trouble i have is how much I feel like Paul:

"what do I have to look forward to? Years stretching ahead of me, all alone and in pain, tormented by all the real people? That’s the clarity you gave me this morning, by the way. I know now that I can’t be anything but what I am — the human joke. It’s not going to change.”

“You could — ”

well, the door to my old job has closed. No chance to go back. To add to my stress, I got an email from my brother that really set me back. Its hard to keep from being discouraged with all these setbacks.

Well, Monday, I go grovel for my old job back. Dont have a lot of hope, but need to try. Pray for me, if you are the praying type.

Well, I am trying to keep a positive attitude about my brief experience in the workforce as Dorothy. It was good for me to be me in a RL situation, something I can try and build on if I find another place accepting enough to let me be myself. I just don't know how realistic that actually is. I have so few skills, I feel like some grunt job is my best option, and those are not usually flexible. Ah, well.

I read this quote from the latest chapter of "You meant it for evil" and It just describes the choice of transition for me perfectly:

“What happened to you is a dream come true for someone with a mind like yours. Reality for most people like you is harder and sadly, with the intolerance of society, born to some degree from the way most of us are put together, ends up being a decision between two bad choices. Either hide who you are inside and pretend to fit in or make the change and live with the consequences."

Well, two days into the new job, and I am not sure about how long it will last. The pressure to sell is amazing, and I just dont have the way with jokes that some of the others do. Plus, I am dealing with having to do a quick-change before I go home - putting my Dorothy clothes in a bag and putting on male ones. The clothes are a symptom of the fact I am currently living 2 lives.