I am working on a new Phoenix story, and it made me think about a lesson I hope I have learned, thanks to a story that failed. As some of you know, I wrote a "Amanda Waller" story for the ret-con universe, and it got rejected as being in need of a total re-write. Later, I wrote my story "The Tears of the Phoenix", and as you can see if you look for it, it was accepted. So why the difference? Well, with the Amanda Waller story, I think I got myself thinking like a comic book writer, not a novelist. I concentrated on some visual images I thought "cool", and I think the story suffered for it.

I just wanted to share about one moment that occurred while Kylie and I were writing "A College Outing". We got to the part where Todd was going to find out Tracy's secret, and we tried to figure the best way for that to happen. But once we had set his basic personality as creepy stalker, the only way that made sense to me was some kind of attempted assault. Kylie had written quite a bit of the stuff leading up to that moment, and needed a break, so I tackled it. As most of you know, I deal with my own assault, and so we had to be careful crafting the scene.

Well, for those who havent checked it out yet, the collaborative story I wrote with my gf Kylie is up. How to determine who wrote what? Easy. If you love it, thank Kylie. If you hate it, blame me...

Sorry folks, Just kidding about blaming me. Kylie says I am not allowed to put myself down, and she is right.

Well, I went back to the doc who put me on anti-depressants, and other than my little "glitch" before Christmas, things are going well. So, after my time with him, I decided to go to the largest mall in the city (and indeed, one of the largest in the world), West Edmonton Mall, dressed. I still had a 50 dollar gift Mastercard, so i wanted to see what I could find. Well, i went into Pay-less shoes, and they not only measured my feet (in stockings), and helped me find the right shoes, but were very nice while doing it. On my way out, I noticed they had a help wanted sign.

Well, I just got back from a very nice meeting with the local TS group. Not only was everybody nice, I ended up being given a makeup case (full), a wig holder (to help the wig dry), and a blond wig to go with my dark one. Pretty cool, no?

I just got a reply to my latest e-mail from my brother, and had to share:

"I love you.
You must do as you must.
I will pray for blessing, protection, and that God reveal the truth to
both of us.
If I have to be the one to be adjusted, so be it.

Mike"

I am ... beyond stunned.

Been fighting with harassing phone calls from my mother's creditors. I really never knew how bad things were until she started ducking calls. It worries me greatly, but there is little i can do to help. I might as well share with you my secret plans - I had planed to take out a loan so i could get a transition started, but now its moot. Because we shared back accounts, I doubt i could get one. It was a long shot anyway, but ah, well. Dreams die hard, but they can die.

Well, I would like to take a moment and talk about "No Matter What". It started while I was crafting my little poem "Vows". As I often do, I shared my work with my girlfriend, and she got inspired to write her own story based on the poem. Just like the poem, the story is about the fact that many people who make declarations of loving us "no matter what", but not all of them follow through when it comes to being transgender. When she finished, I asked if I could post it here, and she agreed.

I just got a response from my brother, and I wanted to share it with you.

"I love you no matter what name you choose to call yourself.
None the less, I would be no friend or brother if I didn't at least
say "That way be dragons."
Have you considered that if you have misdiagnosed the root cause of
your unhappiness then this prescription will not be the cure?
That isn't being negative, that's just me trying to protect you from
the terrible consequences I can see down this path.
Maybe you need to go this way in order to find out how empty it is.

Well, after a rotten day yesterday, I had a fantastic day today. I went for a interview with a local tg group, and we were meeting at a restaurant. I got there first, and the server was taking me to a booth, and i tried to tell her I would prefer a table, but she didnt hear me at first. But another server heard me, and told my server "SHE would like a booth" It is amazing, what a single letter can do for one's confidence.

Well, I had a wonderful lunch date with my friend from the support group site, and noticed several things. First, when I arrived, I did not have much hesitation, but simply thought, "I have as much right to go and have lunch as any other woman does" and went in.

The lunch itself was nice, especially when a little old lady noticed my wallet had fallen out, and pointed it out to me, telling me to tuck it better in my purse, like there was nothing strange about me at all.

I wanted to share a letter I have written to my brother.

Dear Mike:

Well, I had planned to talk about my stories again, but I am not up to it. The only story I have in my head is a very angry one, and I am not sure if that one is a good idea. Mostly, I am wondering the wisdom of spending a day or more in the ER. I simply cannot find a way out of this box, and the prospect of having to spend the rest of my life like this is becoming just about intolerable. The big reason why I haven't is the simple fact they cannot help me. I am the only one who can make the plunge ahead, regardless of cost, or not.

Well, after several days of feeling fragile, I now feel like I am back on solid ground. Which is a good thing, because I think things are going to get tough around here. Between my job and my mom's job both being insecure, and all the internal stuff i am dealing with, I need to be thinking as clearly as possible. Meanwhile, my GF is feeling better too, and that's a relief.

Well, I am basically trying to hold on until my Dr.'s appointment on January 28. I don't really want to need to call in before then, but it's touch and go whether I am going to make it or not. It makes me wonder why I have such trouble asking for help. I think it is because of of my rapist being a doctor, but i am not sure. I dont even know why i am feeling so fragile right now. Is it the meds, dealing with flashbacks, my gender struggle, or maybe all three at once?

Well, my muse has made her call, and my "wild card" story drew the short straw, and i have begun the writing for it. To (hopefully) whet the appetite of my five fans (I am kidding, there might be ten of you), i will give you a quick little link to some info on the series:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Cards

My story takes place in 1989, just after George H.W. Bush is elected president in the U.S.

Well, welcome to a new year, and a new decade. I havent done a lot of writing since finishing part 3 of "the lucky one". but i am less panicked about that than i would have been before. i have my "wild card" story to work on, a couple of ret-con ideas, sequels to a couple of my earlier stories, and my first and probably only attempt at a SRU story, and that's not counting having to try to write my way out of the box i put myself in for the conclusion of "The lucky one".

Well, it looks like things at work are headed for the crapper in a hurry. As of next week, I will be lucky to get one day a week. I am feeling a little hurt by this, as you can imagine. Thanks to my commitments to my daughter, i may have great trouble finding another job, and without my income, and especially since my mom's job is also insecure, we may end up having to make some hard choices about where we live, and what we can do without. The worst part is, i felt like i had finally found a job i could maybe transition at, only to have it pulled out from under me. Sigh.

Well, as it turned out, i didn't lose my stuff. Thanks to my friend, who is the bestest techie ever, I am back in business, and she even got my stories back. expect more silliness from "The Lucky One" soon!

well, last night my computer crashed, and i have now lost everything i have ever written. for the stories that are here, that is at least recoverable, but i will have to start over all the ones i was working on, as i had no back up. It hurts like crazy, but its just one more bump along the road, right?