Well, its been a frustrating week. I have been trying to get a letter from my doctor regarding my physical health so i could qualify for the assitance to go back to school, but no luck. Then today, I tried to get it from the local medi-center, and instead they sent me for an x-ray, and i have to go back monday. I am starting to fear that I could end up not being able to get it, and the whole dream of going back to school and maybe transitioning is going up in smoke. sigh.

Well, I got most of what i need to do to go back to school done. If I can get my doctor to sign off for me wednsday, I will be as ready to go as I can be. I just wish I felt better, but I was due for a chemical down anyway, so now is as good a time as any, i guess. ah, well.

Ok, so thats a takeoff of Apocalypse now, but its approprate. This morning, for the 1st time ever, I painted my toenails. Before, I was always too scared to try it. Probably didnt to a great job, especailly since with my big belly its hard to reach my toes at all, lol. Meanwhile, tomorow is the big day. I go to the goverment agency to find out if the will sponcer me to go back to school. pray for me, ok?

I have really been struggling with flashbacks lately. I was talking on a chat site with someone, and they were flirting, and i really wanted to do something, but as soon as we started talking sexy, i froze up, and started to cry and shake. Since then, I cant seem to get it out of my head. I would like it to stop now.

Well, I had a couple of experiances that left me wondering if I will ever belong anywhere. The first happened Sunday morning. I was looking for a accepting church, so a quick search led me to one close, and I went. Now I am not the most conservitive Christian ever, but a church which has a hymn to Gaia just didnt seem like a good fit for me. Then Sunday night, I got into a heated discussion with the other members of the group at Pride, and I left wondering if I can ever belong there either. Ah, well.

The above is from a sketch from Montey Python. A man wants to change to go swimming on the beach, but every time he starts to get undressed, someone exposes him and he is forced to cover up again. Finally he goes into what looks like a dark room and starts to undress, only to find he is on a stage and stripper music is playing. So he just gives in and goes for it. I kinda feel my transition is like this. I keep wanting to have privacy to make my changes, but i fear i am going to have to "strip" my male self away in public, risking humiliation and abuse. Ah, well.

Well, its been a mixed bag emotionaly the last couple of days. First the good news - I gave my mom a card from her daughter, and she seemed to really appreciate it. The bad news was I got into a fight with my ex at her church today. I wore my bracelet, and my daughter noticed it, and my ex insisted i take it off. I refused, and left the church rather than make a scene. As far as I am concerned, thats the last time I will go to that church. There a couple of accepting churches, and I am going to go to one of them instead.

Well, I am still stuck in wait mode. My counsilor got back to me with the name of a company that might help me get training, so I will be calling them monday, but i am having trouble remaining hopeful. I feel like i need to brace myself for the worst, and then if something good happens, it will feel like a bonus.

Just for fun, I thought I would see what my most commented stories are. In order, they are:

The dead kid - 12 comments

Malfuntion! - 9 comments

A perfect opportunity - 8 comments

Grasp the sword tightly - 8 comments

A conversation with mother - 8 comments

The saga of E-Girl - 7 comments

A letter from a broken toy - 7 comments

Dear God - 7 comments

Summer Princess - 7 comments

I woke part 1 - 7 comments

and I woke part 6 - 7 comments.

Well, I am in "wait" mode, waiting for wednesday, when I will hopefully hear back from my counsilor's and maybe, just maybe, be able to fast track my transition. I need a back-up plan in case this doesnt work, so I dont get devestated and just give up hope. Still noodling that idea. meanwhile, I am slowly but surely starting to work on my next piece, but it might take a while. Ah, well.

Well, I had a bit of a rough day at work. It turned out i had not finished a job i was given yesterday, and I got in trouble. I had had a real struggle with it and made the mistake of not telling my supervisor before i left. So before i left, to cheer myself up, I bought a dozen pairs of women's socks, so I can replace my male ones. Then tonight, I stopped at the dollar store and bought a little bracelet and a bottle of lavander body spray. I also arranged to meet the pastor at the church on saturday, so thats done. So I feel better.

Well, I let my family bully me into getting my hair cut. Even my mom, who I thought was on my side, helped, and in fact provided the money. And they used my daughter to push me too. I gave in, and feel rotten about it. I make myself the promice that this is the last time i am letting them run my life.

Well, I got some good news about my daughter. They did an MRI, and didnt find a growth in her brain, like they feared. They now think it was allergies putting pressure on her brain causing the problems. So she is on allergy meds, and hopefully things are looking up.

Well, my writer's block has ended, and I am back to writing again. Glad thats over, whew! I think I will get a hold of the gender specialist next week, if i can. It feels right.

Well, it seems like i am stuck, in more ways than one. I have paced the boundries of my cage and cant find an exit anywhere. Without a decent job, i simply cant transition. I cant get a decent job without schooling, and I cant afford schooling (dumb mistakes in my past mean i cant get a loan, either.) Meanwhile, i am also experiancing a lack of movent on the story front. I have about a dozen ideas, but cant seem to put anything together. ah, well.

Well, I had a very wierd dream. I was having dinner at a resteraunt on the top floor of this building, and afterward, after i had left, realized i had left behind my brother's guitar. I went to go back up, but was not allowed. So i went around, and joined a tour group walking through the building, hoping to find my way up. I left the group, and found myself in a pool, and someone threw me a pair of trunks, and i realized I was naked. Instead of putting them on, i tied them to my front, because i was wearing a backpack, which covered my rear.

My sincere apoligies to anyone who was offended by my little essay. (Which, judgeing from the responce, was most people who read it). I hoped to get a conversation going on the subject, and boy, did that succeed, but never meant to hurt anybody's feelings. Right now i am debating trying to reword it better, or maybe just dumping it entirely as a bad job. I will think about it for a couple of days, and then decide.

Well, i am feeling better. Finished beating myself up, and picked myself up and got going again. its a marathon, not a sprint, right? Meanwhile I thought you guys and gals would enjoy a sneak peak at some of my upcomming projects

Comming soon:

Join Walter on his search for The Perfect Excuse

Where little Luke just needs A Little Nudge

Step into Group Therapy

Spend your vacation with A Summer Princess

Jasmine must deal with A 2nd night in a Small Town

A certain wizard's apprentance pays a vist to The Big Mall