Well, my visit to the provicial goverment office was a waste. I make too much money at 700$ a month to get help. I am at a loss. I just dont know what to do now. I wonder if I am stuck like this forever.

Well, I think we have fixed all my stories. Poor Bev, she and I looked like we were going to end up conjoined twins. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, things are moving forward. Tomorow, I go to my provincial goverment office to try and get some finincial help, and for the first time, I am mentioning my gender issues in a official form, including listing dorothy as an "alias". We will see what occurs, but just filling out the forms felt good.

Something weird is happening to my stories, and I am not a happy camper. Somehow my name as the author is being replaced with beverly colleen's. This happened to the first story i submitted, and bev was not pleased, thinking I had used her name without permission. I really hope this is a problem that can be fixed. I am going to have to go through all my stories and make sure i am getting credit. I would hate to have to pull them, but I did write them, and i deserve the praise and blame for them.

Well, I thought I might share a bit about my ongoing serial, I Woke. It started with learning about N.D.E. - Near Death Experiances. A lot of people have had this experiance, and there seems to be some common moments they share. They have talked about drifting above their bodies, watching doctors and nurses try and revive them. Many have mentioned a great light, and some have said they have heard a voice telling them to go back. Well, our hero(ine) may not have heard a voice, but he is serving a perpose where he is, and there are some surprizes ahead. My only hint - Chaos therory, giggle.

If you have been on this site for any length of time, then chances are good you have read a few stories with the following scene - a man is made over into a woman, and when he first catches site of his new appearance, he is amazed, (and usualy aroused) by how beautiful, how sexy, how feminine he looks. Well, I dont live in one of those stories. Getting ready for the consilors reminded me just how difficult the road ahead is going to be for me, simply because I dont pass as female. I guess I am stuck, at least for now.

Well, I would like to describe my trip to the counsilor. First, I got dressed as feminine as I posibily could. That meant bra, panties, hose, a purple valour dress, some clip-on earings, and a butterfly necklace. Unfortunately, I had to wear boy shoes, but ah well. Anyway, I was beyond nervous and left home early. I got to the place where the sexual assault center has their office, and it suddenly occured to me that I had not entriely thought this through.

Well, I am as dressed as I can be, waiting to go to my counsiling session tonight. My mood is all over the place, as I am nervous, frustrated that I cant be more feminine, and looking forward to it all at once.

A friend of mine has started up a TG website if anyone is interested in checking it out
http://rhonda7.proboards.com/index.cgi

I am me

I promiced I would write a bit more about my faith. I strongly suspect that my grandmother was the one who convinced my mom to send me to christian camp. But whatever the reason, faith became a big componant in my life. I am not sure I could do justice to what it means to me to someone who doesnt believe, but I needed that sense that somehow, in some way, there was plan, and I was included. That Someone beyond myself, greater than myself, was in charge, and He actuallly cared about me. When I found whosoever prays, it was, as it were, an answer to prayer in itself.

Well, since people refuse to write this blog for me, I guess I am stuck doing it, giggle. So I wanted to talk about my little piece "The talk" for a second. This one came to me as a, er, erotic dream. Which is weird for me, because normaly I don't dream of boys. Its got me wondering a bit about dorothy's orientation, giggle. Fortunatly for my readers, I toned it down from R rated to PG. If you havent noticed by now, I am not one for a lot of graphic descriptions in any case. Besides, I think the reader can fill in the blanks just fine, dont you?

On most DVDs now, they have some kind of "making of" feature. I wonder, would such a thing about one of my stories be intersting? Well, Let me tell you about the making of "The Saga of E-girl" and you can judge for yourself. When I first began to write seriously, and even put it on a support group site, I did mostly poetry, but also a couple of short stories too. But I was an avid reader here, and the idea of doing a TG story was something I wanted to try.

Well, after my marriage imploded, I was ready to try and find out why I behaved like I did. My first stop in this journey was a christian counsiling center. They promiced a "cure" for gays and Tg, and I was desperate. The consilor was into Jung and dream interpertation, and encouraged me to write everything down. So not long after I started, I had a flashback and grabed a pen and paper and started to write. I had no idea what I was writing until I finished and read it. It was a graphic description of one of my assaults. I started to feel ill.

Maybe I was doomed to be confused about my gender anyway. Or maybe the trauma I had suffered created it. The fact is, I don't know which. I managed to bury the abuse so well, I effectively forgot, except in my nightmares. But by the time I started noticing that the girls were developing, I knew I was different from other kids. I felt totally disconnected from the boys and felt empathy for the girls. I started cross dressing whenever I could. I developed all sorts of rituals to force a gender change. But somehow I kept this hidden for everyone around me.