Well, my cluster headaches are back. It is like a migrane, but centered on my right eye and going down to my mouth. I am convinced that the stress of my situation is playing a role in this pain. Which makes it more imperitive that I figure out a way to get some hope, and fast.

I have been noodling a new vision spring story but right now, I am going to find out if i am going to get funding for school, so i am too nervous to write. wish me luck, would you?

Well, I did it. after I posted my last entry, I talked to a friend online, and found the courage, and went out and got gas as Dorothy. To do something so normal, so mundane, as dorothy gave me such a good feeling. I may start crying, but they are good tears, I think.

well, its kinda snuck up on me, but I have noticed its been a while since i really struggled with guilt over my tg issues. I think my decision to be honest with myself, my family, and my God has paid off. Its such a relief to not beat myself up every time I wanted to dress up. That feels like a major victory, to me.

I am really struggling with depression today. Its so bad i am having troubles thinking straight. I hate these times, but at least I know they dont last.

well, i put a little make-up on for pride tonight. bought some eyeshadow, blush, and lipstick (although it wasnt a stick, but with a brush - so more like lip paint) from a dollar store and am trying it out. I am not likely to get much chance to practice, so I am stuck wishing i looked less like a clown.

Well, I have written a Psalm. I am going to post it, with a religious theme tag so no one who might be offended by that will read it.

I had an odd dream the other night. I was in a moterized chair, heading for a hospital. On my way, i bumped into someone I knew, but I didnt recognize them at first because they had aged. Then I went in, and joined a very long line up for help with my gender stuff. The line actaully went from one building to another, it was that long. I joined the line, and then I woke up. weird, huh?

I am doing something i have never really done for a story before - do some research. Its actually kinda fun, to look up stuff, even if it may not end up in the story, but just to have in my head as background as I go. Meanwhile, I am kinda up and down emotionaly and in terms of my faith. I dont feel as bad as before, but now I kinda feel exhausted, numb. I am not sure if thats actually better or not

I find that I am struggling with guilt in regards to my rape. I had a moment of clearity in my counsiling thursday, when i realized I actually missed my attacker after i stopped seeing him. This, coupled with the fact that i experianced pleasure on some level during my attacks has really thrown me, and I am having trouble wrapping my head around it. Sigh.

Some random thoughts on life:

"Life . . . don't talk to me about life" Marvin the Paranoid android

"Life is a paltry player who struts and frets his moment apon the stage and then is heard from no more. It is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing." McBeth

"life is pain, princess! anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something" Wesley, from the princess Bride

"One sure thing about life. Nobody gets out alive" Annon.

"The secret to a happy life? Lowered expectations." Me

Well, its been a frustrating week. I have been trying to get a letter from my doctor regarding my physical health so i could qualify for the assitance to go back to school, but no luck. Then today, I tried to get it from the local medi-center, and instead they sent me for an x-ray, and i have to go back monday. I am starting to fear that I could end up not being able to get it, and the whole dream of going back to school and maybe transitioning is going up in smoke. sigh.

Well, I got most of what i need to do to go back to school done. If I can get my doctor to sign off for me wednsday, I will be as ready to go as I can be. I just wish I felt better, but I was due for a chemical down anyway, so now is as good a time as any, i guess. ah, well.

Ok, so thats a takeoff of Apocalypse now, but its approprate. This morning, for the 1st time ever, I painted my toenails. Before, I was always too scared to try it. Probably didnt to a great job, especailly since with my big belly its hard to reach my toes at all, lol. Meanwhile, tomorow is the big day. I go to the goverment agency to find out if the will sponcer me to go back to school. pray for me, ok?

I have really been struggling with flashbacks lately. I was talking on a chat site with someone, and they were flirting, and i really wanted to do something, but as soon as we started talking sexy, i froze up, and started to cry and shake. Since then, I cant seem to get it out of my head. I would like it to stop now.

Well, I had a couple of experiances that left me wondering if I will ever belong anywhere. The first happened Sunday morning. I was looking for a accepting church, so a quick search led me to one close, and I went. Now I am not the most conservitive Christian ever, but a church which has a hymn to Gaia just didnt seem like a good fit for me. Then Sunday night, I got into a heated discussion with the other members of the group at Pride, and I left wondering if I can ever belong there either. Ah, well.

The above is from a sketch from Montey Python. A man wants to change to go swimming on the beach, but every time he starts to get undressed, someone exposes him and he is forced to cover up again. Finally he goes into what looks like a dark room and starts to undress, only to find he is on a stage and stripper music is playing. So he just gives in and goes for it. I kinda feel my transition is like this. I keep wanting to have privacy to make my changes, but i fear i am going to have to "strip" my male self away in public, risking humiliation and abuse. Ah, well.