I feel like I am running of fumes, trying to hold on by hook and by crook until I get some help. I feel like I am fading, and I honestly don't know what I can do now.

I was thinking this morning, and wondering why the ret-con stories are so popular, and why so many of us seem to love comic books. Well, I cant speak for anyone else, but for me, i have realized i have something in common with most super heroes, and thats the fact that I too, have a secret identity. Just like most heroes have to hide their true selves, I also have to keep my true self a secret. The difference is where most heroes don't want or plan to integrate their 2 sides, I hope someday that I will be able to take off my mask, and show my real self to the world.

Well, its two weeks to go before I see the psychologist. Of course the first session will be all "intake" so it will be even longer before he decides how to help me. Ah, well.

I just want to re-assure anyone worried about my take on Amanda Waller, she will not end up in a silly costume, and her abilities will not exceed human. Meanwhile, I have had a couple of dreams recently where its clear I am fully female. I think that's a good sign.

Well, i think my ex is losing it. I was helping her tonight like I always do, and she asked me to write a letter for my daughter's new teacher at school. I agreed, and I started writing it. She was dictating to me, and i tried to make a suggestion about some words, and she completely lost it. She starting swearing at me, and told me I have nothing to do with my daughter's future. I am hurt, angry, and ready to do something drastic.

I had a dream a couple of days ago that, to me, shows how far my integration of my female side has become. The details of the dream are not important, but one thing stood out - I was female. Now, mostly before I couldnt see myself in my dreams - I couldnt have told you if i was male or female, or what I was wearing. So the fact that I knew i was female, in public, and nobody seemed to notice that being different says something to me.

Sometimes, I feel like God is teasing me. Something that would lead me out of my current dilemma appears, like this job offer, but as soon as I reach for it, it gets taken away, leaving me worse off than if I had had no hope to begin with. I am really struggling with anger with God at the moment. Ah, well. Guess that teaches me to hope for anything but death as a solution..

Well, despite my continued pain, I am feeling more hopeful. I got a call from a possible workplace, and i am going to check it out tomorrow. I am working on a ret-con story starring Amanda Waller, and hope to make some progress on that front soon. But if you are religious, could you pray that this job thing works out?

I know that its not a big thing to complain about, but I really am feeling the lack of a companion in my life. As I have become more intergrated, I have found that the desire for a partner has gotten stronger. Its more than a desire for sex, but a wish for someone to hold me when i am upset, tell me I am beautiful when I feel ugly, and who will stand with me come what may. ah, well.

well, the local baseball manager got fired for a gay slur he said to a umpire, who just happens to be gay. I will be interested to see if the team tries to reach out to the community.

Well, I think I have reached a plateau. Going out in public was good, and I am glad, but now i have to return to pratical matters. I am still in need of a full time job, and i need to get cracking on it. Ah, well.

well, tomorrow is d day. in this case "d" is for dorothy. I am meeting the other members of the TS group at the restaurant for the first time. worried, scared, nervous, those are only a few of the emotions i am dealing with

Well, after all that, I was turned down. Apperantly, I took too long to get my stuff in to start school. I am cushed, and somehow must find a way to keep going regardless.

well, I feel like a coward. I went to my sunday meeting at the pride center, and it was good. But on my way home, I wanted to stop and get gas for my car, and I couldnt do it. I couldnt be seen as dorothy. Sigh.

Well, I finally got the last of the stuff i needed to get help to go back to school, and have my appointment wed. All things look green at this point.

Well, I am feeling a little better. I think I am just getting anxious about school. I am stuck waiting for info so I can get my approvai for funding, and I cant do anything but wait, and time is running short. Meanwhile, however, I was able to find a local TS group online, and submitted a application to join. Assuming that I am accepted, they have a brunch at the end of the month that I could attend. It would be great to have some local girls to help me really get started on this journey.

well, i had a busy day today. I sent off a couple of resumes, i phoned some colleges regarding the program i want, i got a doctors appt. for tomorow to get a letter for the funding people, i also phoned the goverment to get a copy of my tax form that i needed, and even got a little writing done for my next story. As a reward for my hard work, i took all the bottles i have been collecting and took them to a depot, and took the money and went to a consignment shop and found a couple of new items to wear as dorothy. All in all, a good day.

My mom gave me a nice card for a DAUGHTER for my birthday, and I would like to share it with you.

DAUGHTER

I'm wishing you all the good theings you deserve

For your birthday,
I wish you the confidence to begin this year as you would open a gift,
certain taht it holds something special just for you.

I wish you strong trust in yourself and faith inthe future,
the belief that you will make the right choices to bring you closer to the happiness you deserve

I wish you friends to surround you in the circle of their caring and love,
and people to help you laugh at life.

it seems that the latest installment of Vision spring hasnt recieved the appreciation the first one did. I am not sure why. If you liked the first one but where unimpressed by the second, I wish you would tell me where it failed for you.

well, i am discovering that every once in a while, my stories can surprize me. I dont want to give too much away, but one of the major characters in my latest story has made a 180 degree turn that i honestly didnt see coming when i started this series. I just hope the end results are enjoyable.