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Had a horrible night last night, and got no sleep. I am not sure how best to describe it, but its sort of like this: Imagine having the sex drive of a typical teenage boy, but instead of having a nightly fantasy of poking one's peter into the nearest available hole, there is a terrible emptiness the needs, craves, demands to be filled. I don't know if that's how genetic girls feel arousal, but that's how I experience it. The trouble is, that after such a wave of need hits, I am forced to remember that I don't actually have the equipment to be "filled", and that makes the whole thing an agonizing torture, and I start to shake and cry. I wonder how much longer I can endure it.
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Peek into my dark side; make you tremble, it will.
I rarely speak of this but I know that there will be some here who will know that I am right. No need for you to speak out, I don't need your support.
People like to believe that we have SRS because we are "such girls" ! There is never just one reason that we do what we do. Sure, one of the reasons that I wanted my anatomy to be like a woman is that I always felt I was one. However that desire would not have been strong enough to motivate me to action had it not been for being overdosed on psych meds.
The other reason that I wanted to change, (at least have a castration), was that the testosterone I had in me had made me a sex addict. All mine was carried out within the solitary confines of my own office when everyone else was at work or school. Well before I got outed, and thrown out, I had found a urologist who would perform a castration for $900. I had the appointment, and was ready to go but things suddenly blew up. My intention was to drive over to the office, have the castration, drive home and take it easy for a few days. My wife and I had not had sex for years because I could not get it up, but we slept together and I loved her dearly; still do.
The castration is a very minor operation, and I was riding my bike again in a couple days; being very mindful not to strain. It ended my sexual addiction. Not having so much testosterone poisoning me was like being sober for the first time in years and liking it. Now there is a whole bunch of extinuating background to this, (I could write a book) but I just dedided to present this short, sweet and blunt.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
This is similar
to what I felt like in the 6 weeks before SRS. I hated it, even though I knew it was necessary.
S.
The TG world is FUBAR, I think.
Recently I was told that a relatively small percentage of us get full SRS. Gee thanks for telling me after the fact. I think the largest exacerbating factor with T folk is the social stigma and rejection by Muggles. It makes us lonely, depressed, feel rejected, and in the end delusional. Were that not the case I think SRS surgeons would have to do something else. I think that most of us could do remarkably well if we could just wear the clothing that suits us the most, and perform functions in society that were most satisfying to us. Most of us do not need shrinks; but rather need those around us to just give their best impression of human beings. As I think about it more, the shrinks need to be working on everyone else, not us. We are the ones with the pluck to try to be who we are.
Gwendolyn.