Well, first i want to thank everyone who offered support to me by leaving a comment on my last entry. Each one of you helped me greatly, and I thank and bless you. But I also have some big news to share. First, I have to relate a story, and forgive me if I have told it before: When I was 16 years old, I saw the movie "The Wall", and I became fascinated with the concept of having a wall. I then did something a little odd - I prayed to God to have my walls come down. Well, be careful what you pray for, to mangle a quote. I discovered that I didn't just have walls to keep others out. I had one to keep something in, and it came out with a vengeance when my walls came down. I saw it as an evil, alien presence, and it overwhelmed me. For two days, I was totally dissociative. I walked, i talked, but it was like i wasnt in control, and all i could hear in my head was this creature's "voice" threatening the people i love, and how it would be my fault. After the two days, I came back to myself, and closed up my wall again.

Well, I was telling this story to a friend online last night, and i had a major breakthrough. For the first time, I saw through what I had experienced at that moment, and saw the truth. It was from my rape. I now understand that the bastard
who raped me used my fear of getting my family hurt to control me. I had internalized that moment, and then buried it. So when I uncovered it, I saw it as some evil part of me ready to hurt those I love. But now i know that's not the case. It wasn't me. I wasnt the evil one, he was. I wasnt the one who was a threat to my family, he was. I was a child, he was an adult, and IT WASNT MY FAULT. After so long feeling guilty, it feels pretty good to realize that. But even so, I was left shaken, and was very emotional and shaky all night and most of today.