I don't know if you have ever bought an item, taken it out of its box, and then try to put it back in, only to find it just doesn't fit and in fact you can't see how they ever got it in there in the first place? Well, I kinda feel like that. I had a good day as Dorothy Friday, but I found I really crashed after I had to go back to male mode. Meanwhile, at least I am back to writing again, as my last parody piece showed, which is good news. I have an idea for a different kind of haunted house story, but I doubt very much I can get it done in time for the Halloween contest, but ah, well.

well, I go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow for an update on the meds he gave me. I am up to 2 pills a day, and honestly, I cant feel any difference. Ah, well, at least I get a couple of hours as Dorothy. Which I really, really need badly.

I sometimes wonder if I am actually making any progress, or if I am just going around in circles. I feel like a mental conjoined twin - one side is female, the other is male, but neither can really live without the other. After having my male side resurface, I am back to having sleepless nights and fevered prayers to finally be at peace. But I have patrolled the limits of my cage, and I simply do not see any exits. I went to a wiener roast at my church's pastor's new place yesterday, and one of the women there insisted that one day soon I would be sharing my story in public.

Had a very sad moment with my daughter tonight. She sometimes slips and uses female pronouns for me, and she actually wondered out loud today why she does that. It took every bit of self control I possessed not to tell her why I think she does it. I am breaking apart here.

here is a really sad video about a tg girl who was murdered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8J8FmbvBcQ&feature=grec_browse

I feel like I am running of fumes, trying to hold on by hook and by crook until I get some help. I feel like I am fading, and I honestly don't know what I can do now.

I was thinking this morning, and wondering why the ret-con stories are so popular, and why so many of us seem to love comic books. Well, I cant speak for anyone else, but for me, i have realized i have something in common with most super heroes, and thats the fact that I too, have a secret identity. Just like most heroes have to hide their true selves, I also have to keep my true self a secret. The difference is where most heroes don't want or plan to integrate their 2 sides, I hope someday that I will be able to take off my mask, and show my real self to the world.

Well, its two weeks to go before I see the psychologist. Of course the first session will be all "intake" so it will be even longer before he decides how to help me. Ah, well.

I just want to re-assure anyone worried about my take on Amanda Waller, she will not end up in a silly costume, and her abilities will not exceed human. Meanwhile, I have had a couple of dreams recently where its clear I am fully female. I think that's a good sign.

Well, i think my ex is losing it. I was helping her tonight like I always do, and she asked me to write a letter for my daughter's new teacher at school. I agreed, and I started writing it. She was dictating to me, and i tried to make a suggestion about some words, and she completely lost it. She starting swearing at me, and told me I have nothing to do with my daughter's future. I am hurt, angry, and ready to do something drastic.

I had a dream a couple of days ago that, to me, shows how far my integration of my female side has become. The details of the dream are not important, but one thing stood out - I was female. Now, mostly before I couldnt see myself in my dreams - I couldnt have told you if i was male or female, or what I was wearing. So the fact that I knew i was female, in public, and nobody seemed to notice that being different says something to me.

Sometimes, I feel like God is teasing me. Something that would lead me out of my current dilemma appears, like this job offer, but as soon as I reach for it, it gets taken away, leaving me worse off than if I had had no hope to begin with. I am really struggling with anger with God at the moment. Ah, well. Guess that teaches me to hope for anything but death as a solution..

Well, despite my continued pain, I am feeling more hopeful. I got a call from a possible workplace, and i am going to check it out tomorrow. I am working on a ret-con story starring Amanda Waller, and hope to make some progress on that front soon. But if you are religious, could you pray that this job thing works out?

I know that its not a big thing to complain about, but I really am feeling the lack of a companion in my life. As I have become more intergrated, I have found that the desire for a partner has gotten stronger. Its more than a desire for sex, but a wish for someone to hold me when i am upset, tell me I am beautiful when I feel ugly, and who will stand with me come what may. ah, well.

well, the local baseball manager got fired for a gay slur he said to a umpire, who just happens to be gay. I will be interested to see if the team tries to reach out to the community.

Well, I think I have reached a plateau. Going out in public was good, and I am glad, but now i have to return to pratical matters. I am still in need of a full time job, and i need to get cracking on it. Ah, well.

well, tomorrow is d day. in this case "d" is for dorothy. I am meeting the other members of the TS group at the restaurant for the first time. worried, scared, nervous, those are only a few of the emotions i am dealing with

Well, after all that, I was turned down. Apperantly, I took too long to get my stuff in to start school. I am cushed, and somehow must find a way to keep going regardless.

well, I feel like a coward. I went to my sunday meeting at the pride center, and it was good. But on my way home, I wanted to stop and get gas for my car, and I couldnt do it. I couldnt be seen as dorothy. Sigh.

Well, I finally got the last of the stuff i needed to get help to go back to school, and have my appointment wed. All things look green at this point.

Well, I am feeling a little better. I think I am just getting anxious about school. I am stuck waiting for info so I can get my approvai for funding, and I cant do anything but wait, and time is running short. Meanwhile, however, I was able to find a local TS group online, and submitted a application to join. Assuming that I am accepted, they have a brunch at the end of the month that I could attend. It would be great to have some local girls to help me really get started on this journey.