about my last two pieces

I would like to talk about my last two pieces together, because the one led to the other. I started working on "tears of the phoenix" because I was struggling with flashes of attraction toward men, and it was scaring me. As I had jean say, I felt like i was losing the last part of my male self, and i didnt want to. This struggle formed the first half of the story. At the same time, I was struggling with grief over Misty's "Out of the Ashes". I really hurt when Dolores died, and i wanted to say something about how her death affected me. Then I did something either really brave or very stupid or both - I asked myself why i had identified so strongly with her torture, and for the first time, deliberately triggered myself. What i recovered formed the basis of "I am Nine Years Old" . I hope i did the right thing in learning this stuff, i wont be able to forget again, no matter how much i want to.

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