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I would like to talk about my last two pieces together, because the one led to the other. I started working on "tears of the phoenix" because I was struggling with flashes of attraction toward men, and it was scaring me. As I had jean say, I felt like i was losing the last part of my male self, and i didnt want to. This struggle formed the first half of the story. At the same time, I was struggling with grief over Misty's "Out of the Ashes". I really hurt when Dolores died, and i wanted to say something about how her death affected me. Then I did something either really brave or very stupid or both - I asked myself why i had identified so strongly with her torture, and for the first time, deliberately triggered myself. What i recovered formed the basis of "I am Nine Years Old" . I hope i did the right thing in learning this stuff, i wont be able to forget again, no matter how much i want to.
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Inevitability...
...no matter what we do to try to avoid memories or try to do to retrieve them, they will come in their time. A dear sister recently likened it to an unexploded bomb in the attic...a relic of a bygone war, perhaps. The bomb might be hidden, perhaps not, but you might hit it by accident and not set it off or tiptoe by it and have it explode suddenly. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is unpredictable, and it's really how we process what we remember that matters. That you understood the connection and had the emotional strength to process it and use it in a story is testimony to the healing road you are on. And that you unselfishly shared it with us despite the fear and doubt and hurt it evoked is a testimony to your strength and character. Thank you for sharing today and always as well!
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena