It probably doesnt come as a shock to anybody who reads this blog that I dont handle stress terribly well. Most of the time, between having gender issues, PTSD, and bunch of other letters that basically mean I'm broken, my plate is full, andthey are as much as I can handle.

Sometimes, I wish I was a better writer. I have good ideas, but not as good at getting them out. For example, I made a series of stories about an organization called "Vision Spring", that appears to the outside world to be a charity that helps Gay, lesbian and trans people, but is in fact a group of people who have magical control over one of the traditional elements - Earth, Water, Fire, Nature, Light, Darkness, and the Air.

Well, last night, Jaci was talking to me, and she was trying out her "manly man" voice (and totally failing to sound at all like a guy, she sounds like a girl with a cold), when I started to .... chuckle. A little.

She jumps on it, and says I giggle like a school girl, which is totally NOT true, I laugh like a guy, I know I do ....

Isnt it great to have a friend who will tease you until you cant help but laugh?

Well, you guys can thank Jaci (AKA Tels) that I'm still here. I woke this morning feeling completely numb. Nothing mattered, nothing had any meaning of any kind. As I went through my morning routine like a zombie, I came to the conclusion I had to quit being Dorothy, since I had lost my family and my daughter didnt want to be seen in public with me. I dont know how long this would have lasted before I would have done something drastic, but fortunately, Jaci was online, and agreed to phone me.

Well, with all the confusion I had at my house yesterday, I forgot to mention it was Tels' birthday, So Happy birthday, sis!

Just got back from watching the movie "The Host". Its an awesome movie, I can really recommend it. Most days, I dont feel like I'm like Melanie the human female, nor like Jared, her love, but like Wanderer, a stranger in a strange land, wondering if there is any place she can really belong ....

Its my daughter's birthday today. She turns 13!

Well, after church today, I was invited out for coffee with the pastor and a couple of the members of the church, and I got a chance to show them my poetry, and read to them "Dear God", and "A Psalm of Dorothy"

They were blown away.

A couple of them actually teared up.

They asked, begged, for me to send them links so they can have permanent copies, and to pass them on to some places they think would be interested in them.

Pretty neat, yes?

I finally had to admit to myself I'm scared to go further in my transition. I was talking to Jaci, and I actually started crying when all this anxiety and fear of surgery came bubbling out of me, and even changing my name legally scares me. Be that as it may, since its not likely that the Blue Fairy isnt likely to come visit me and turn my bits into their female equalivants, I have only the two choices - go forward, or live with what I got. And I honestly dont know if I'm capable of option two ..

Ah, well.

I've been working on a story, and would love it if someone could take a peek and see if its missing anything. Volunteers?

Well, with Kylie's permission, I have a major announcement to make.

We're a couple.

I must have "free advice-giver" written on me somewhere. Last night a co-worker who I've just started to get to know decided to unload about her long-distance relationship. Reminds me of high school when I had several girls who regularly filled me in how awful their boyfriends treated them ....

just finished the latest chapter of "Jem" which featured "TG PMS" - basically its when a trans girl like me starts feeling like a fake. It happens to me sometimes, and on bad days I wonder if I will ever be whole .....

Ah, well. I'm pretty blessed in this journey so far. The rejection and hatred I expected did not happen, and even those people who think this is a mistake have assured me that they love me anyway.

I just got back from getting checked out at my local hospital. I had a lot of pain in my stomach , and so decided to get it looked at. Just some bruising from work, so that was a relief, but I got really tired of being called by my male name when my preferred name is listed on my chart ....

came home from work yesterday with a loonie-size bruise on my belly, and no idea how it got there. Today its spread, and looks rather nasty. One of these days, I'm going to poke a hole right through me, and not realize it until I look at the floor and wonder where all the red stuff came from ....

Thanks to a story by Bailey Summers, I've been thinking about my dad. As most of you know, He committed suicide when I was 5 years old. They call it "depression" but somehow, it just doesnt seem to cover this total inability to see himself as a person of worth. He lived his last few years as if all the blessings in his life were stolen property that would be taken from him as soon as he was caught with them ....

I know this struggle in myself far too well. Too many days have started or ended with me feeling like I was getting an "F" in life .....

Well, I finally got off the pot, as it were and got the forms so I can get my birth certificate, which is the first step in getting a legal name change. It had felt like such a permanent and serious step, it took me this long to rev up enough courage to go for it ....

just came home from church. Not only a nice service on hungering for God, but a communion service, and they also gave me a healing oil and a prayer. I also got a chance to have a nice long chat with the minister's partner, and she's really cool. Finally, I have a church I can call home ....

Had a conversation with a friend the other day, and she mentioned how I looked when I am having a flashback - my face gets flushed, tears form in my eyes, and I get this "I'm not home" look. For some reason, finding this out shook me, I dont exactly know why ....

Last night I had terrible pain in my privates. Nothing worse than hurting in a part of your body you wish didnt exist in the first place...

I've been thinking about making a will. I have a pretty good idea what I want - my furniture should go to good will, my books to the local library, my clothes to the pride center to be given to any trans person who needs a wardrobe, my pictures and papers and any money I have go to my daughter, and my stories go to my best friend Kylie, except the ones i made with Jaci, she should have those.