With all the flashbacks and crap I've been fighting the last while, I havent had a lot of energy for writing. So it may be a while before I publish anything new, although I have the beginnings of a poem written ....

Thinking about the possibility of having another rectal exam got me very shaky today, to the point I was actually in tears.

Dark, Darker, Darkest?

That seems to be where my muse is coming from at the moment, with 3 ideas in my head that seem to range from dark, to darker, to darkest.

Ah, well.

I see the gender doc tomorrow, and for some reason, I'm nervous. It will be the first time I see him since I got my exam, and since my family doc wants me to lose weight, I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Ah, well.

Finding the positive:

Here is my day, with a positive spin.

I worked very hard last night at work (I have a job, and they dont care if I'm transitioning)

I went to pick up my daughter today, and stopped to grab a paper at a local convenience store.

Well, after I vented here, I decided that I wanted to start to figure out how I could break my mood, and I started with reading a very funny book while waiting for Sam to get off the bus.

Well, I picked up my daughter today, and she was all excited about learning how to make a cake in her cooking class.

I said, "If only you were as pumped about learning multiplication"

Well, last night I managed to have a serious brain fart that's going to have me eating crow for a while.

Well, last night I got to work a little early, and there was a teen girl who works as a cashier on the evening shift in the back on a break who decided completely out of the blue that I was just the right person to ask for advice about a boy at school.

I listened, and thought, and then gave her my advice:

Be yourself.

Be awesome, be real, be smart, be goofy, be nerdy, be super feminine or a tomboy when the mood strikes you.

Dont try and impress him.Try and impress yourself.

Dont be afraid to take the first move but be prepared that he could reject you.

Be okay with that.

Well, last night I was very sick and called it in at work so I could stay home. Now I almost wish I had gone to work instead, because last night I had nasty nightmares of losing my daughter.

In both dreams, she ran ahead of me in circumstances where I couldnt immediately follow, and I was left running around unfamiliar places trying to find her, and failing.

I know its just dreams, but it really shook me up, and the further into this transition I go, the more likely it seems that they will come true in a way.

Just posted this on facebook where my sister-in-law follows my post:

If you are one of the people who are either conflicted or opposed to my transition, I'd like to tell you a few things.

First, Bless you.

You could have easily decided to just cut me out, have nothing more to do with me, but you're sticking around, and that's an amazing thing.

I'm going to assume you care, or you'd be gone, so let me try to explain the biggest thing about this transition.

I'm a better person for doing this.

Snap, crackle and pop may be good sounds to hear in your breakfast cereal, but not so much when its your body making it.

Yesterday, I noticed that my left shoulder makes some ugly noises when I try and rotate the arm, and things only seemed to spread from there.

First it went to my neck, actually causing me pain when I tried to stretch at work, and then my knees started doing it too, almost blinding me with pain.

Thank God for painkillers, but I'd prefer to have not too many days like that if there is a better choice.

Ah, well.

Went out for coffee with a friend yesterday, and caught sight of a pretty woman while outside looking in.

Then realized, the pretty woman was me.

I looked good.

When the heck did that happen? When did I start looking so good?

I've even noticed my walk is more feminine now, and its not like I spend a lot of time practising. It just ... happened.

I dont think I've ever been happier, and it wouldn't have happened without the amazing support I've recieved from "team Dorothy."

Thank you. Thanks and beyond thanks.

I kinda need advice right now.

See, since all the recent flashbacks, I uncovered some new memories, and now I have this urge to tell them to someone, as a way of getting them out.

But I'm not sure about publishing them here, as many people have had enough of their own nightmares that they dont need mine as well.

Would you recommend publishing, or not?

Last night when I got to work, I noticed a dispenser beside the gumball machines with the logo "Trendy girl" on it, and since whatever it sold only cost a 2 dollar coin, I figured what the heck.

It was a pair of fishnet style fingerless gloves.

So before work, I decide to put them on, and I had a reaction I dont get very often.

I

Felt

Sexy.

My self-confidence rose, my tiredness lifted, and generally it was an amazing boost, which I really needed after spending dinner at my brother's place and have to listen to my family use male pronouns for me ....

Ah, well.

I just got back from going out for breakfast with my mom, and it was a strange experience. Our server was not only a cheerful and talkative young lady, she seemed to want to touch me as often as she could - rubbing my back, my arm, and once actually sitting in the booth beside me.

I have no idea why.

Otherwise, it was an okay day, I got my blood work done, so that's one more step taken care of.

Each step, even a baby one, is a good one, I think.

I feel like I'm slowly getting stronger again, and its a good thing. I might need the extra energy the next two weeks as I'm going to a new store to help get it set up. Being with strange people, wondering how well I'm passing, trying to work in an unfamiliar store - it could be very interesting ....

For some reason, I'm on a "hair trigger" in terms of flashbacks at the moment, dropping into shaky moments at the drop of a hat, often without any trigger that I know about.
Pray for me, please.

If you are the praying type, I could use one right now. I'm doing okay except one tiny detail - I'm struggling with my faith in God. This little high-wire dance of being both Christian and transgender is taking a toll on me, and I really dont want to fall off ....

Ah, well.