Dorothy Colleen

A good night

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Well, last night was a pretty good night at work. I felt like I accomplished a lot, and kept up to the pace expected of me.

Nice to have that after the nastiness of the last couple of days.

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Winter Wonders

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Winter Wonders

“My lips hurt from the cold.”

“You could borrow my lip balm.”

“That’s for girls!”

“Fine. Have painful lips then.”

“Okay. Give.”



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This story is 25 words long.

Meeting tomboys

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Went out for lunch with my mom, and got a chance to talk with the waitress, and she was telling me about being a tomboy for a long time, and then surprising her male friends when she decided to get girly for a group that had come back from Afghanistan.

Its kind of funny, how many really pretty girls prefer to be super tom-boys, at least for some time in their lives, while I would have given just about anything for the privilege of being prettied up for a dance or whatever.

Ah, well.

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feeling very lonely

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I dont want to sound like I dont appreciate my online friends, but I really wish I had a girlfriend I could go out for a coffee with. Its my day off work, and I really feel lonely, and there isn't a lot I can do about it.

Ah, well.

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Male role models

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To the people who believe that you can be cured of a condition like being transgender, a big part of that is based on the idea that the environment a child grows up in makes the difference in terms of how secure they feel in their birth gender.

For example, they would look at my life, and the lack of any decent male role models, and then sexual abuse by a male on top of that, and conclude that this lack caused me to hate my gender, enough to want to become female instead.

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Having a "I am nine years old" kind of day

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I've been having a lot of flashbacks lately, and its got me thinking about a story I wrote called "I am nine years old"

Here is a link, if you havent read it:

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Being treated like a woman

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In the last couple of days, I've had a couple of different people at different stores treat me like a woman, and it feels really good when it happens.

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saw my family doctor today

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Well, I just got back from seeing my family doctor, and things are finally moving forward again. He'd been waiting for the results of my bloodwork, and with that now arrived, he faxed everything to the gender specialist, and I go on to the next step, trying to lose the weight.

He's sent information to a medically supervised program, and when they get back to me, I can really get going on it. Not going to be easy, because he wants me to lose around 50 pounds, but with determination and perseverance, I can make it.

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As if I needed the lesson hammered home

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Yesterday I talked about being in the company of another trans girl suffering with a lack of confidence in her looks, despite the fact she is really good looking, and last night, it was like God decided to drive the point home to me.

I sat with some other girls at work on our lunch break, and listened as one talked about her struggles with her appearance, and how even now as an adult she sometimes finds it an issue.

And this is a genetic girl and a rather pretty one at that telling this story.

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The story of my running for president of my high school

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Since I mentioned it yesterday, I might as well tell the story of how I came to run for president of the student council in high school.

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Jim Sandusky Sentenced

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For those of you who havent heard yet, Jim Sandusky, the former assistant coach of the Pen State has been sentenced to between 30 and 60 years in prison for molesting young boys.

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Broken

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Broken

Was there ever a moment when I wasn’t broken?

Do my fractures have an origin, or was I conceived shattered, destined to be in pieces before I took a breath?



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This story is 32 words long.

Learned something from an old memory

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I was reading this book about a woman who has a breakdown on my breaks at work, and it got me thinking about visiting my brother in the mental ward when we were both kids.

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not doing a lot of writing at the moment

With all the flashbacks and crap I've been fighting the last while, I havent had a lot of energy for writing. So it may be a while before I publish anything new, although I have the beginnings of a poem written ....

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I'm harmless?

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Well, last night at work, we were sharing some stories about our respective childhoods, and I talked about snapping and almost killing my stepfather, ending with the statement "I'm dangerous."

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I dont know what to do now

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I phoned the doctor's office about the stuff they were supposed to send to the gender specialist, and they dont have any record of the stuff at all. Nothing in my file except I came in for a full work-up, nothing else.

I honestly dont know what to do now.

My best option I think is to get the stuff from the gender doc again, go to a different doctor and go through the whole thing again, but considering I suffered a week of flashbacks after the last time, I would rather not.

This.... sucks.

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Dark, darker, darkest?

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Dark, Darker, Darkest?

That seems to be where my muse is coming from at the moment, with 3 ideas in my head that seem to range from dark, to darker, to darkest.

Ah, well.

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My family doctor lost my paperwork?

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I just got back from the gender specialist, and while everything else is go, they never received from my family doctor the results of my physical.

I

AM

NOT

HAPPY

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I see the gender doc tomorrow

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I see the gender doc tomorrow, and for some reason, I'm nervous. It will be the first time I see him since I got my exam, and since my family doc wants me to lose weight, I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Ah, well.

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First Contact

First Contact

Blame Tels for this. She said it was ready...

Everyone knows exactly where they were when First Contact happened.



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This story is 21 words long.

Fighting back against my black mood

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Well, after I vented here, I decided that I wanted to start to figure out how I could break my mood, and I started with reading a very funny book while waiting for Sam to get off the bus.

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Anger

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Last night, my daughter couldn't find the little communication book she's supposed to bring home from school, but didnt admit it until we were picking up her mother. Her mother was upset, and I promised to check at my house, and I thought it was over with.

Then this morning, her mother called and started yelling at my mother for Sam not having the book, and then my mom started coming down on me for not being responsible and involved with my daughter, and I ended up getting angry myself, yelled at Sam's mother, and went back to bed.

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cute stuff from my daughter

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Well, I picked up my daughter today, and she was all excited about learning how to make a cake in her cooking class.

I said, "If only you were as pumped about learning multiplication"

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Writing a old story over

When I was a teen, I started thinking about writing stories, and had a couple of ideas that I fooled around with. Never really took them seriously, so they went away, came back, and went away again.

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What a difference a day makes?

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When I had applied to work at Wal-Mart, I had sent applications to all the locations in Edmonton and area, and it was the St. Albert location that called me, interviewed me, and hired me.

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Giving advice

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Well, last night I got to work a little early, and there was a teen girl who works as a cashier on the evening shift in the back on a break who decided completely out of the blue that I was just the right person to ask for advice about a boy at school.

I listened, and thought, and then gave her my advice:

Be yourself.

Be awesome, be real, be smart, be goofy, be nerdy, be super feminine or a tomboy when the mood strikes you.

Dont try and impress him.Try and impress yourself.

Dont be afraid to take the first move but be prepared that he could reject you.

Be okay with that.

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being able to take a compliment

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Got a couple of compliments last night at work on my pretty new earrings, and I didnt do what I used to do - deflect them, instead I just thanked the people making them.

Its nice to be complimented, but its even nicer to be able to take a compliment and not immediately think of reasons why it cant be true.

Another step forward, I think.

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Dreams of losing my daughter

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Well, last night I was very sick and called it in at work so I could stay home. Now I almost wish I had gone to work instead, because last night I had nasty nightmares of losing my daughter.

In both dreams, she ran ahead of me in circumstances where I couldnt immediately follow, and I was left running around unfamiliar places trying to find her, and failing.

I know its just dreams, but it really shook me up, and the further into this transition I go, the more likely it seems that they will come true in a way.

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Reconciliation - at least in fiction

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I just finished writing a story in which a slightly fictionalized version of me goes back to her hometown to re-connect with the people she left behind, and to lay ghosts to rest.

In the process, as I wrote a scene where she reconciled with her step-father, I felt a weight lift from me, as if I had managed to do the same in real life.

Maybe it was just fiction, but somehow, it felt like I actually accomplished something.

Make of that what you will.

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