well, my brother and sister in law took the time to send replies to my facebook post about finding guys attractive, and frankly, their reaction stings. My brother's reply pretty much implied that I was trying to talk myself into being attracted to a guy, and not only that, that I had talked myself into feeling like a girl in the first place.

He may not have meant to hurt me, but I find his response to be a slap in the face, and it hurts.

Gonna go cry for a bit, then I'm gonna fix my face, and start moving again. Not going to let this stop me....

Who do you write for?

okay, so color this one under "hmmm....."

Ladies, gentlemen, and those who think of themselves as both or neither, I wish to have your attention for a few moments, so that I can publically sing the praises of a talented writer, a tireless champion of both the trans community and of victims of sexual abuse, and a great friend of mine, miss Andrea DiMaggio.

I got a little bit of extra money this month, and I think rather than just blowing it on an extra trip to McDonalds or whatever, I'm going to set it aside and make a "Dorothy fund" account. Then, whenever I can, I'll add to it, and hopefully, when I'm ready to move forward with a name change, I'll have enough put aside to cover the costs.

I find myself being terribly jealous of my friend Katie She's not been out of the closet that long, and already she looks better than I do, and has a boyfriend besides ...

I just wanted to apologize for the fact I haven't finished "Jake goes for help" yet. Real life is kicking my behind, including spending more than 12 hours in bed yesterday and still feeling tired today.

Hope to have it ready soon. So sorry.

For the 2nd time, I had someone assume I had been married to a man. As the last time this happened, I didnt correct their assumptions, but I feel different about it now. I feel guilty, that I lied by not correcting him. I always wanted to pass, to have people assume I'm a woman full stop.

So why do I feel so guilty?

Had a conversation at work with Aurella, and I was grousing about my lack of progress lately with my transition, and she said. "Oh please. I've had SRS, and I can wear a skirt and pigtails and still get called 'Sir.' You met my mom, and just yesterday she referred to you as 'the woman who came over once'. You cant complain about your progress."

I was taken aback, and said, "But ... I wasnt trying to be feminine."

There are people here who know firsthand about sexual abuse. Some of them have backgrounds that make my childhood seem like a Sunday picnic.

Well, I'm going to confess something, and every non-trans woman and transitioned trans woman will have the right to laugh at me for it.

I'm struggling with the hormones.

Well, yesterday was a real mixed bag day. First, I woke up with a story idea, and had it written and published in about an hour, and since it was a happy romance story, I got an extra buzz from being able to write something other than darkness.

Then, I went to my local trans support group and got the bad news that three of the founding members were quitting the group, and suggesting that the group disband entirely. Not sure where that leaves me for support, but ah, well.

Well, I got a message from Jade telling me Kylie is alive, in her words "no thanks to you." I dont care. She can blame me for not picking up on the clues if she wants to. Kylie is alive. That's what matters.

Well, its possible that something good has come out of what I've been posting about my friend Kylie. A friend got a hold of me, and confessed to having struggled with suicidal thoughts over last weekend, and we talked for a long time, and I told her to go to the hospital even if the feeling had passed. She said she would, and thanked me for being there.

Does that balance the scales of my failure with Kylie? No. But if she follows through, I'll feel a little better about it.

I got even worse news about Kylie tonight. Her best friend messaged me on Facebook, and told me that the local sheriff had come by. Apparently, Kylie had told the shelter where she was living that she was moving in with her friend, and the shelter was quite concerned about her mental state. And since her friend had not even heard from her much less have her show up, it seems clear to me that she had this well planned so no one could possibly stop her.

I wrote a poem in tribute to her:

"Dont give up" she said,

The last words from her lip

As if dealing with my friend Kylie's apparent decision to kill herself wasnt enough stress, things are piling up around here.

Well, I feel like a dope.

My friend Kylie got a hold of me tonight, and asked me if I wanted a laptop. When I tried to talk about how much I missed her, she just said "Dont get too attached."

The bible says "All things work for the good of those who believe", but how can my being trans work for the good? What good can come out this kind of struggle?

well, I had my first all day group counselling today, and it was pretty good. After spending time doing some self-evaluation paperwork, I was able to join the group for the 2nd "class" of the day - which was all about early warning signs of an oncoming emotional crisis, and what you do to nip one in the bud. After lunch, we had a class on boundaries and trying to learn to be neither too soft or too hard in making them. Then for our last class of the day we discussed time management and making priorities.