well, yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. It started with my brother and sister-in-law coming over for dinner. My first instinct was to not be there - on the principal that since I caused stress, the best way for me to remove stress is to remove the source - me.

But my mom insisted I be present, and it actually was a decent night - no body slams, no use of utensils as weapons, not even name calling took place. I dont think I'm in their good books or anything, but if we can be civil during a meal, well, good things can happen.

A bit of a tough night last night, the evil "tape" that runs in my head and jumps on every failure and mistake I make as proof of my utter worthlessness was running hot. I really need a more positive tape in my brain, but at this point, a loop of the Bee Gee's greatest hits would be an improvement ....

Well, I'm going to try and not spend time worrying about my brother and sister-in-law. they will do what they think best, and so must I. And what's best for me is to try and focus on the blessings I have, which my daughter is one of the best. I love her laugh especially, sometimes I say goofy stuff to her just to get her giggling, its such a sweet sound in my ears. As long as I have that, I'll be okay.

Well, I went to my interview with Target, and it didnt go like I expected at all. I was interviewed twice by two different pairs of people, and then basically hired on the spot - I have a tentative employment with them starting the beginning of March. So now, I have a decision to make - go with them, or stay with Wal-mart?

Pray I make the right call here ....

So yesterday was not a good day for me in terms of my emotions.

I think I've lost all semblance of control over my latest story

every once in a while, I read a non-trans story that makes me feel like putting on a tinfoil hat, because the author has caught my emotions perfectly, even while talking about something else.

Okay, so I'm scared now. a while back I couldn't seem to remember the word "screwdriver" and today I couldnt remember the word "dresser".

My brain is melting ......

I've been thinking and praying a lot today, and I've decided I'm going to continue my transition, the rejection by my brother and sister-in-law notwithstanding. Maybe that makes me a "selfish bitch" in my sister-in-laws words, but it has to be done. I love them, and my heart aches that they think this transition somehow hurts them, but I have to seek wholeness.

Well, I came home this morning to a message from my sister saying my brother was hurt by the reaction of my friends on facebook and by my not jumping to his defense. So I did the only thing I could do - I sent a loving response, and then took my dog for a walk outside in my prettiest skirt, just because I could. I'm not going to let them pull me down anymore. I love them, but I need to keep myself healthy first and foremost.

Okay, its serious discussion time, but lets keep it friendly, okay?

Can a person change orientation?

One of the big differences between the genders is socially. I mean, as a socially awkward guy, while I had problems, I got a lot of forgiveness just because guys arent expected to be as socially aware. But an awkward girl is in for trouble, and that's where I am now. I spent so long in Guyland that I missed a lot of how a girl gets socialized, so I find myself not sure how to act around people.

Makes me wish I had a girlfriend or two to help me integrate better into female society, and sadly, online friends, while nice, arent quite enough.

Can I make a little confession here? Yesterday, when I was doing laundry, I put on a skirt so I could wash my pants, and I could feel tension leave my body as I walked around my house in the skirt. I could feel my blood pressure drop, and it felt like a breath I hadnt even realized I was holding in was escaping, taking with it a lot of my stress.

Weird, no?

Well, they've moved my transfer date, and now it will be Feb. 23. Apparently they felt a need to make it fall at the end of a pay period (why they couldnt have moved it up instead, I have no idea)

I'm working very hard to finish off "Jake goes for help", and its not easy stuff. So hold my hand while I go down this little dark road, okay?

Our dear fellow writer Jaci (AKA Tels) was feeling a little down, so I'm hoping this cheers her up a bit:

Thank you, Jaci.

Well, I got good news at work last night. My transfer has been approved, and Feb. 15 is going to be my last day at my current site, and then I will get to move to a site much closer to where I live. My car will thank me, as will my wallet ...

Well, I went to see my endo doc today, and he's decided to switch me from an estrogen patch to a gel, since I was having troubles with the patch. That was fine, and it led to a little event I'd like to call:

Using the ladies room at Wal-Mart.

See, I went down to get the prescription filled, and while waiting realized I had to use the facilities, and so went to use the ladies room, on the principle that I am one, abet one with a slight plumbing problem.

I had a tough session in group therapy today. One of the women talked about having been given electroshock treatment, and she started crying talking about how it made her lose memory.

very good article here

http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-01-18/guy-talk-why-a-straight-...

I got a package today.

Kylie's laptop arrived, and I just about lost it when I saw it on my doorstep.

I'm .... just going to cry for a bit, okay?