came home from work yesterday with a loonie-size bruise on my belly, and no idea how it got there. Today its spread, and looks rather nasty. One of these days, I'm going to poke a hole right through me, and not realize it until I look at the floor and wonder where all the red stuff came from ....

Thanks to a story by Bailey Summers, I've been thinking about my dad. As most of you know, He committed suicide when I was 5 years old. They call it "depression" but somehow, it just doesnt seem to cover this total inability to see himself as a person of worth. He lived his last few years as if all the blessings in his life were stolen property that would be taken from him as soon as he was caught with them ....

I know this struggle in myself far too well. Too many days have started or ended with me feeling like I was getting an "F" in life .....

Well, I finally got off the pot, as it were and got the forms so I can get my birth certificate, which is the first step in getting a legal name change. It had felt like such a permanent and serious step, it took me this long to rev up enough courage to go for it ....

just came home from church. Not only a nice service on hungering for God, but a communion service, and they also gave me a healing oil and a prayer. I also got a chance to have a nice long chat with the minister's partner, and she's really cool. Finally, I have a church I can call home ....

Had a conversation with a friend the other day, and she mentioned how I looked when I am having a flashback - my face gets flushed, tears form in my eyes, and I get this "I'm not home" look. For some reason, finding this out shook me, I dont exactly know why ....

Last night I had terrible pain in my privates. Nothing worse than hurting in a part of your body you wish didnt exist in the first place...

I've been thinking about making a will. I have a pretty good idea what I want - my furniture should go to good will, my books to the local library, my clothes to the pride center to be given to any trans person who needs a wardrobe, my pictures and papers and any money I have go to my daughter, and my stories go to my best friend Kylie, except the ones i made with Jaci, she should have those.

Went to the covenanting service at the United Church downtown tonight. They were welcoming a new pastor, and believe it or not, she's a trans woman and a lesbian. The service was nice, everyone was friendly, and I will definitely go back every Sunday now that my schedule allows ...

Well, our miss Jaci otherwise known as Tels saved me yesterday.

of all the ways I could lose my brother and sister in law, if this little tiff turns out to be the end of our relationship, well, its a pretty pathetic end.

ah, well.

Well, tomorrow morning I go to an interview with Target. I'm super nervous, I have no idea how they feel about trans, or anything. wish me luck.

well, one of the Provincial Supreme courts here did something almost unheard of - it more than doubled the sentence handed down for Graham James, the hockey coach who was found guilty of molesting NHL player Theo Fluery, among others. Instead of the 2 year sentence he was given by the judge, he will now serve 5 years, unless the Canadian Supreme court changes it. Its not as good as the sentence I would have given him - to hang suspended by a hook in his member for the remainder of his life, but I guess it will have to do ...

I have to take back all the nasty things I said about Valentines, and I think I have the most awesome mom ever. She decided I needed something for Valentines, and so gave me a couple of pretty blouses and a set of earrings. Bless you, mom!

wanted to send out a big thank you to Katie for leaving a review of my book. Thanks, hon, you're super awesome!

I had commented on a post by my friend Aurelia saying I couldnt even pretend to be normal, and this was her response:

Sorry, it might be a while before I have anything new story-wise to share. Real life has been kicking my behind.

I hate to ask, but a couple people here have my phone number. I need to talk to someone if they are available. I'll be home for an hour and a half, and then I have to go to work.

well, my brother and sister in law took the time to send replies to my facebook post about finding guys attractive, and frankly, their reaction stings. My brother's reply pretty much implied that I was trying to talk myself into being attracted to a guy, and not only that, that I had talked myself into feeling like a girl in the first place.

He may not have meant to hurt me, but I find his response to be a slap in the face, and it hurts.

Gonna go cry for a bit, then I'm gonna fix my face, and start moving again. Not going to let this stop me....

Who do you write for?

okay, so color this one under "hmmm....."