Some Random thoughts:

Kylie sent me this beautiful poem, and gave me permission to share it:

When i think of you, I smile
Because you are so wonderful

When I think of you, I laugh
Because you are so amusing

I seem to have acquired a "voice" whose sole purpose is to make me as girly and feminine as possible. For example, when I am at work, and I see some item that's been painted pink, I end up having an argument like this:

"We should get that. Its pink!"

"Cant afford it."

"But its pink!"

"I have one just like it."

"Not in pink!"

"Its not even something I can use!"

"But its pink!"

And on and on it goes.

I blame Jaci for this voice. Its gotta be her fault ....

There has been too much loss in the last while.

First Wren, now Holly ....

I'd really like it if it stopped for a while.

At least give me a chance to grieve.

This is just great. Not only am I fighting a bloody cold that wont go away, now I'm fighting PTSD flashbacks as well .....

was reading an interesting story here, and one of the issues the main character went through was struggling with bathrooms - they looked female, but identified male, and didnt feel comfortable using the girl's facilities, especially for gym class.

I wish that being trans was my biggest problem. I'd be darn new home free now. Instead I get to try and deal with both PTSD and a boatload of mental problems as well. For example, my friend Jaci and I were talking and I mentioned that I hadn't shaved in days, giving me a pretty scruffy face. She asked me why I hadnt shaved, and I told her it was for the same reason I struggle with the idea of losing 40-50 lbs. In both cases, its to protect me from the notice of men.

I have been reading my Bible during my breaks at work, and trying to focus on the women, to see how they handle situations, how they interact with other women, with men, and with God.

I'm sorry, I dont mean to be flooding you guys with stories. I've NEVER been this filled with ideas ...

Well, I took my daughter and her mother to a local botanical garden, and they had a wonderful time. My best moment was in what they called the butterfly house, just standing still and letting these amazing beautiful creatures land on me.

Made having to spend the day in the most androgynous clothes I had and answering to my male name worth it.

Had a nasty flashback just before church started, but thankfully one of the ladies saw my distress, and sat beside me holding my hand while I cried for about 10 minutes.

Sometimes, I get tired of being fragile.

Well, last night, the co-worker who I saw Star Trek with presented me with a bag a earrings, as she could tell I rather liked having something dangling from my lobes.

Well, yesterday I had a nice movie night with my brother. We watched "Hairspray" and it was pretty good, and taking him home we had a good talk about things. The bottom line for him is that even though he believes my transition is wrong, he will not cut me out of his life, and he will do all he can to for me to show me he still loves me anyway. That's pretty good, all things considered, even if I wish I could find the right words to convince him that this transition was necessary.

I fell in love with Drama in grade six, when my class did a little skit and I played the part of the thief in an adaptation of the Sherlock Holmes story "The Red-headed League". I spent much of the next six or seven years trying to repeat that experience, dreaming of being an actor on stage and screen.

But even though dreams dont die easy, thay can be killed, and this dream finally fell before the sword of Reality when I tried out for a part as a performer at a place called Calaway Park just outside of Calgary.

I stank.

Its entirely possible I will never get SRS.

you know, re-reading Jenny Boylan's autobiographical books got me thinking how much things have changed for me recently.

In her blog, Katie asked the question "What am I doing?" (which you can read here: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/45644/what-am-i-doing )