I have been reading my Bible during my breaks at work, and trying to focus on the women, to see how they handle situations, how they interact with other women, with men, and with God.

I'm sorry, I dont mean to be flooding you guys with stories. I've NEVER been this filled with ideas ...

Well, I took my daughter and her mother to a local botanical garden, and they had a wonderful time. My best moment was in what they called the butterfly house, just standing still and letting these amazing beautiful creatures land on me.

Made having to spend the day in the most androgynous clothes I had and answering to my male name worth it.

Had a nasty flashback just before church started, but thankfully one of the ladies saw my distress, and sat beside me holding my hand while I cried for about 10 minutes.

Sometimes, I get tired of being fragile.

Well, last night, the co-worker who I saw Star Trek with presented me with a bag a earrings, as she could tell I rather liked having something dangling from my lobes.

Well, yesterday I had a nice movie night with my brother. We watched "Hairspray" and it was pretty good, and taking him home we had a good talk about things. The bottom line for him is that even though he believes my transition is wrong, he will not cut me out of his life, and he will do all he can to for me to show me he still loves me anyway. That's pretty good, all things considered, even if I wish I could find the right words to convince him that this transition was necessary.

I fell in love with Drama in grade six, when my class did a little skit and I played the part of the thief in an adaptation of the Sherlock Holmes story "The Red-headed League". I spent much of the next six or seven years trying to repeat that experience, dreaming of being an actor on stage and screen.

But even though dreams dont die easy, thay can be killed, and this dream finally fell before the sword of Reality when I tried out for a part as a performer at a place called Calaway Park just outside of Calgary.

I stank.

Its entirely possible I will never get SRS.

you know, re-reading Jenny Boylan's autobiographical books got me thinking how much things have changed for me recently.

In her blog, Katie asked the question "What am I doing?" (which you can read here: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/45644/what-am-i-doing )

Well, this morning as I slept, I had a ... er ... wet dream. Not unusual, but in this particular dream, I was being made love to by a man. Having a man enter a part of my anatomy that doesnt even exist at the moment is a bit of a disconcerting experience ....

Struggling a bit today, and it put a halt on my writing.

Will get through it, but good wishes and prayers appreciated.

I was teasing Jaci about having guys flirt with her, and she said, "Just you wait. It will happen to you."

My uncle has taken a turn for the worse. Apparently, he had a heart attack last night. Going to go see him tonight.....

Well, last night I had another encounter with my clueless co-worker, and after she once again called me by my male name, I made a point of talking to my supervisor about the situation. She talked to the girl, and the girl said she had met me when we both worked at Zellers (I dont remember meeting her, but that doesnt mean it didnt happen.) So according to her, she was having some trouble doing a mental switch and call me by the right name, but would do better in the future.

For now, I'm going to consider this a win, but I will be on my guard around her ....

Just got a phone call from one of my aunts saying that one of my uncles is in the hospital after having had a stroke. Dont know more yet, waiting till mom comes home so we can go see him.

Today at church, I was asked to help with the communion service, and it was a good experience. We were given these sashes, then we went down to the front to hold out the bread and the wine for the congregation to come down and partake.

Best part? They gave me a sash with a butterfly on it ....

The biggest thing about being trans is that it forces you to deal with the assumptions people have about gender. Most people dont think about their gender, or how being male or female influences how people treat you, but as a trans person, I have to face those assumptions every day. Along with the assumptions comes judgement - am I feminine enough, or too feminine? How do people see me, and how do I interact with them?

I'm trying to learn to give myself some slack in these judgments, and am hoping others will do the same.

So far so good .....

Giggle. As I am 47 years old today, am I officially an old lady yet?