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Yesterday I found out on facebook that another trans woman had committed suicide, after I sent my prayers for her family and friends, all I could think of was "That could have been me." See, I'm in the 41 percent of trans people who have made an attempt on their own life, and it can only be described as a miracle that I am still here.
And that would suck, because then I would have missed out on all the amazing things that have started to happen since I started transitioning, and I would have caused grief and pain to the people I love for no good reason.
Because there is always a choice, always a chance, but you have to be still alive to be a part of them.
In memory of our lost sister, I want to reprint here a poem I wrote a while back called "Candles"
CANDLES
I light a candle on my sill today
In the name of a friend passed away
My life a little darker now
My knees bend, my head I bow
As I struggle to answer why
My friend would choose to die
A story finished way too soon
Death brings shadow to sun and moon
Tears will flow down the side of my face
‘cause in my heart an empty place
So I light a candle, beat back the night
End the dark, erase the fright
Oh my God, to you I pray
As I light a candle on this day
My window sill is filled you see
With too many candles, so no more please
May this be the last time God, I sigh
That my heart breaks and tears I cry
To all who suffer, when it seems bleak
You must go through the valley to find the peak
I beg you now, please hold on
Remember every night turns back to dawn
A candle simply cant replace
A life, a touch, a soul, a face
Please seek help, reach out, I cry
Call on me, I will listen I will try
don’t take your life, please don’t kill
don’t be reduced to a candle on a sill
Comments
As treatment improves.
In time treatment will improve, and indeed already has. I tried suicide and never could get it sorted. For me, there was about two years where being under the watchful eye of Holly and Cathy probably saved my life. I wish that she had encountered people who cared enough to call the police.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
candles
By the fact that you are still lighting candles it proves that God truly has another purpose for you on this earth. I am so sorry you lost a friend but am so glad you are still here.
Being TS is a lot of things
- Not for the faint of heart.
- For the most patient
- Be staunch of will
- For the most disciplined.
Any less just will not do.
Oh and an goodly amount of luck certainly does help!
Considering how many people commit suicide for far lesser reasons, I am not surprised at the percentage of us who might have considered or attempted suicide. I am always saddened by those who fail to realize it does not happen overnight and the personal cost involved and decide to end it all.
Kim
New TS folk think I am mean.
After nearly 9 years, my older brother called me HE in front of a female friend I had taken with me to see him. At 73, he may be just too far gone to know better.
People want me to tell them that the losses it will hurt less in the future. You may get used to the pain, but it will not hurt less. If there are people whose family comes back around, other than Annette's, I want to hear your stories. Mine have not. Probably my fault.
Quit apologizing and looking guilty for dressing as a woman. Lock down your anxiety, believe that you have every right, and get on with it. You may want a pussy, but don't be one. If you are gonna use the ladies loo, then get in there, do your stuff, wash your hands and get out. If you are alone, do your makeup, but the second another woman shows up, bail out of there, at least until you are more seasoned at it.
TS folk who expect me to mother them, will be sadly disappointed. You have to really want this or it will break you. It may break you anyhow. If you are less than about 5'10", less than 175, and have good hair, it may work out better for you.
I recently had an encounter with Savante Artemis Robello, and tried to instruct her on makeup. Look her up. That is too much makeup. Just my opinion.
No, ladies it does not take a lot of makeup. Less is more, be natural and all that crap. Hope that your face is not pock marked and that if you shave backwards you can whack it down really well. I use one layer of Olay Total Effects 7 with a touch of foundation. Then I cover a wine stain on my chin, put on a little rouge on my cheeks, some lippy and that's it. Get your brows waxed every couple months. Sometimes I use some eye shadow, and eye liner.
If your facial skin is really rough perhaps you can afford a facial peel at a doctor's stay away from the shopping center folk.
Laser works ok if your hair is dark.
If you are really, really sure, and crazy too, get your nuts whacked off asap. Spiro is just one more drug that can fuck you up, IMHO. If you are plush for cash, use the Vivelle Dot patches. Some of you will do as you damn well please. Fine.
The reason I am so damned mean about it is that I do not want potential suicides saying I told them it would be OK. This is going to be the toughest emotional combat you ever faced.
Make sure your weapon is clean and oiled, your clips are full, and you have water. Move out!
Gwendolyn
I don't know, honestly, what keeps me going....
I meet some of your criteria, but am sorely lacking in some others (weight most of all.) At the moment I'm 5'6" and 190--but then again, at one time I was 218, so I'm working on it.
I've lasered as much as I was able (unfortunately, some of my beard is gray--but thanks to my Native American father's DNA, there's not much of it.)
I suspect I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get Dermablend for my face, because I have some rather serious acne scars.
And then there's my severe spinal curvature. Thankfully, that's not quite as obvious when I'm in my chair.
The fact I'm still breathing is a testament either to my inner strength, or to my massive denial about the way I appear to others.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
As much as I hate to admit it,
I made an attempt. It wasn't planned, I was fighting with my boy and something snapped. I had been on edge for a while, and was still for a lot longer. This after I had made the decision to live.
It is one of the reasons I am a volunteer, unless you've been there it is hard to understand.
Finding yourself.
Gandhi said, "To find yourself, you must lose yourself in service to others". Nothing will pull you out of a funk as quick as helping others.
Brave
being trans is one of the bravest things you can do in life , it takes alot of guts and big gonads (pardon the pun) to live as a woman after being told from birth you are a boy. You need to follow your heart
May your girlfriend have peace GOD bless her :-(
You say brave,
I say desperate. You have to hit a point where you care more for your needs than what other people think about you.
I was lucky. I have one kid who is behind me all the way. He would rather have a live aunt than a dead uncle, I raised him and his sisters like a father. Without him, who knows? Actually I do know, I make sure he knows his love saved my life.
I did not intend to come out.
In those last months of 2004, I was completely lost. I'd been a high paid Electrician but after a fall, that was gone. Any occupational health professional will tell you that when a man loses his occupation due to injury, he loses who he is; it is one of the worst things that can happen to a man.
For years, I had known that my super masculine personality was all an act, and told people so, but had no idea the magnitude of how wrong it was. I was in a severe state of denial. For me, starting psych drugs in 2001, really stopped that denial, and I began to confront who I really was. The drugs just made my depression worse.
So, then I began to search for answers. I knew I was not gay; never had a single erotic feeling towards a male. I now know that my ambivalence toward men was because of my stepfather, and were it not for his abuse, I may have tried the gay scene ...
So, in later 2004, I was investigating to see if I was gay or what. I did not really understand being transgendered. The family found out, and I was pitched out. So, being the fundamentalist christians that we were, there was much shame and hand wringing. After they threw me out, I decided the hell with it and decided to give womanhood a try. I really had previously no intention of actually coming out in spite of having published my first story on storysite in 2001, I think. I was just going to write and that's it.
This whole transitioning process is a helluva ride. I was fortunate to reach a happy place.
G
The Stars Shine In The Sky Tonight
The statistic you quoted. It's worse than shocking. It's nothing less than an indictment of our species.
How the hell can we still be living in a society where people aren't free to present themselves as whatever they like without fear of ridicule or violence? If it was any other group where 40+ per cent - nearly HALF - had tried to take their own lives it would be a global scandal.
I mean, for fuck's sake.
How many people are aware of this? I wasn't until I joined this site.
Sorry Dorothy, this is not a particularly appropriate response to your post.
I'll let Mark Everett take over from here.
http://youtu.be/_OoGrZknjPs