One of the harder parts of this transition is trying to drown out the negative "voices", basically telling me "you have the body of a male, how can you be a girl? How are you ever going to be sure you're not just fooling yourself?"

Thankfully, the conversations I have had with my mom about how I would slip up and act like a girl even before I got raped are helping me.

Bit by bit, day by day, I think I'm getting better.

I like my highs, most of the time.

They beat the heck out of my lows, which are awful.

Well, this morning I was getting ready for church, and decided to try a LBD (That's a little black dress, dont you know).

I spent some time talking with my pastor today, talking about being trans, being a survivor of sexual abuse, where I am now, and my desire to find a way to give back to others for all the help I have been given.

A coupe of interesting things came out of it; first, she wanted to re-assure me that from the first time she met me she found I "radiated a feminine energy" so she had no doubt that I am a girl.

Yesterday I found out on facebook that another trans woman had committed suicide, after I sent my prayers for her family and friends, all I could think of was "That could have been me." See, I'm in the 41 percent of trans people who have made an attempt on their own life, and it can only be described as a miracle that I am still here.

And that would suck, because then I would have missed out on all the amazing things that have started to happen since I started transitioning, and I would have caused grief and pain to the people I love for no good reason.

Here is another poem from Kylie:

I could say I love you as much as the sun is bright
But it is much too dim

I could say I love you as much as the winter is cold
But is much too warm

well, its official. I am scared of my own brain.

I was waiting to pick up my ex at her work, and as sometimes happens, I began to nap.

Some more random thoughts:

struggling with flashbacks all of a sudden. I wonder if there is a connection between being stressed for other reasons and how frequently I relive my rapes?

Well, apparently, my tummy has some firm ideas about what it likes, and cooked lettuce and stringy ham definitely dont make the cut. For the second day in a row, I ended up throwing up my supper because I was trying to eat more healthy.

Not good.

Not good at all....

Well, because I'm an idiot, I've managed to lose most of the hearing in my right ear.

During the debate of the California law allowing trans kids to choose which bathroom to use, a Christian leader talked about how all these "sexually confused" kids were more than likely victims of sexual abuse.

And ever since, I've been struggling with coming up with the proper response to this.

I want to write an essay about being trans and being a survivor of sexual abuse, but I doubt I have the needed skills to write an objective essay, especially when I seem like the perfect example of what they're talking about.

Ah, well.

I've had a couple of people ask me about putting the Jaci/Dottie stories in chronological order, and I think its a good idea, but I'm not sure how to make it work. Part of the problem is I struggle with the "weight" thing, and part is that the stories are done by more than just me, so I cant get into say Jaci's stories and edit them so they fall in the right places.

Help, anybody?

Well, after a visit to the doctor's, I found out I have a yeast infection in my throat.

Imagine ... a little girl ...

yeah, she has a growth between her legs that has led to her being given a male name, but she's as girly as any girl born with a double x.

There are a number of us here who at one time or another have felt suicidal, and several of us who are survivors of one or more actual attempts.

But let me state the obvious.

I just had a shocking conversation with my mom. I was on the phone with Jaci, and apparently my mom remembers me coming home from school in a dress at age 13 and doing a little twirl for her. For some reason, this is making me tear up ...

I'm re-watching the movie "Labyrinth", and it occurs to me how necessary it was that the protagonist be a girl. I mean, the whole movie only works because its a girl doing the adventure. What do you think?

I am feeling very sick right now. Good thing I have Jaci to make me giggle ...