Had a long conversation with my brother and sister-in-law last night, and I am mulling over what my sister-in-law thinks of my transition.
If I understand her right, her opinion is that I have deliberately chosen to be female because of how I treat women vs. how I treat men - that my response to women is affection (sometimes inappropriate affection), and my response to men is aggression and even violence. So in her opinion I have decided to be on the soft fluffy team myself, so I can get affection instead of aggression.
I'm not sure how to respond to this. I gotta think about it ...
Comments
A lot of food for
A lot of food for thought.
Some points come to mind
1) Before you transitioned or even came out were you more comfortable amongst women or men? (in a normal non sexual way)
2) Was the fact that you knew you should have been born a woman something that you knew from your heart or a conclusion you came to over a period of time?
For me the answer is Yes and I knew the first time I put on a skirt and some lippy.
It seems to me that your sister really does not know what it is like to have been born 'wrong'. How could she?
Being a girl is NOT a
Being a girl is NOT a conscious choice. In the latest scientific development and research it's looking increasingly like it's a fact of how your brain is wired. From birth on. And apparently it's possible for the brain and the rest of your body to grow in different directions. Acknowledging the dichotomy between brain and body, and living more in accordance with your brain chemistry in stead of your bodies outward appearance is however a conscious choice.
The how and how far is different for all of us, for all the obvious -and not so obvious- reasons. YMMV.
Your sister-in-law is reasoning backward. It's like she argues that because a horse has learned to like carrots and not getting kicked but not apples because then getting kicked, while everyone 'knows' donkeys like carrots the horse must be a donkey.
Being a woman ...
... is not a tactical response. In the case of those born into the wrong body, it is not a choice, but an imperative. Something inside you needs to make body and soul match, and her theory makes no sense, since depending on the person, you're going to get different responses from both men and women to the ones she insists you CHOSE to change to receive.
I was born female (two X's, no waiting *grin*), grew up with a standard U.S. suburban girlhood, and in the fullness of time became a woman, a wife, and a mother. I've never been challenged by the world about my gender. I've been challenged by others in a number of ways, including my competence as a professional, because I am a woman. But being a woman does not guarantee instant sisterhood, fluffy kittens or stuffed unicorns, and her theory that you chose to be a woman because it's an easier path given what you want out of your relationships with others is simplistic and fails to take into account more than the base stereotypes of men and women.
My two cents. *smiles, hugs*
Randa
I tend to agree...
I have never been abused, so what is my excuse? It was something I felt young, and did not go away.
You are on the soft and fluffy team . .
because . .
You are soft and fluffy at heart.
Gender,
sexual preference, etc are part of your being. By finding a way to treat them constructively, brings you happiness. There will always be those that do not understand.
Love and be yourself dear one, and you will show those around you what a happy girl you are.
Love and Light shared with you Dear Princess
Goddess Bless you
Love Desiree
That's so wrong it's actually funny
It's like telling a black person that they chose to be black so they could enjoy rap music. :)
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
*SPITTAKE...
...followed by many giggles* XD
Absolutely priceless. And absolutely spot on. Dorothy, WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?
*Confused Huggles*
Long answer?
...when I was just a little boy, I asked my psyche what will I be? Will I be famous? Will I be rich? Here's what I said to me.... Sorry, wrong tune.
I cried myself to sleep and prayed that I'd be changed since I didn't fit? I wanted so much to be just like my sister and my Mom. Not because I envied them but because I felt I was just like them except for the whole outside thing.
I only wish I had something more concrete to show my very clinical spouse; a 'reason' to point to that says I'm a woman inside. She even wondered at one time if there was any kind of test (there are) to determine genetically. Neurologically, I'm probably hard-wired on the feminine side; maybe due to DES or something externally introduced, but more likely it's sadly not something I can prove other than a postmortem analysis of my brain. Poo!
Love, Andrea Lena
tests
Yes some have genetic components and there are tests, there is also a new test, previously only done on deceased (cutting open the brain is HIGHLY frowned upon while still alive) but using an ultra sound is a new test, dont think it is "official" or approved yet though.
Terri
Teresa L.
choices and choices
Just because how one presents oneself is a matter of choice, doesn't mean one chooses how one feels. The desire to classify also is an issue. Is a person gay, bi, trans etc? Often our psychology isn't quite so binary. So, that is a kind of choice.
Still I think your sister-in-law if wrong.
Not certain
This is the kind of thought I've had many times, myself.
Is it because women appear nicer than men that I envy them so much, that they seem to have much more fun than men, or is it because they are sexually attractive and I envy that.
However, I do think we need to think these things out for ourselves, rather than others telling us what we are.
Missing one vital thing
Women can wear nicer clothes. Men stuff is so boring.
The only time it was fun was during the Flower Power era. I can remember buying a rather spiffy Pink jacket in a shop just off Carnaby St. I paried it up with some blue and white striped trousers and a white shirt (actually a blouse) with really long points to the collar.
All set off with a pair of heeled (2in) chelsea boots. Very iffy sexuality.
I think
We all make a conscious decision to stop fighting to stop pretending.
I cannot speak for your condition... for me I've known since I was 12... possibly since I was 7 when I asked my parents to 'fix' me and ended up circumsized... oopsie.
I don't know that I ever made a decision to 'be' female... I resisted it for years and decades... It would overwhelm me at times and I'd usually get caught dressed in my frillies... however... I did make a decision to stop fighting my internal image at age 32.
20 years later I'm still doing my RLT and I'm liking it so far. *grin*
Dayna.
Changing the subject
Why does it matter? That's not flippant, it's a serious question. I am not entirely sure which part bothers you here - is it that your sister-in-law thinks you're making a choice, or is it the reasoning of that choice (the soft, fluffy team) that bothers you?
If you're bothered by the fact that she thinks you're making a choice to be a girl, so be it. I think the current research is a bit more equivocal than others here, but what does it matter? You are making a choice as to how you want to deal with your life, and it is your choice to make. Since you call it a long conversation, rather than angry or bitter, it sounds like she's listening and might be helpful. A good support network is important, so keep talking rather than cut her off, even if it's difficult.
If you're bothered by her reasoning, that's different. I take as a maxim that you shouldn't believe something just because you want it to be true. Keep talking to her and see why she thinks that. Try to evaluate it and get opinions from other people who know you well. This still breaks down into two sub questions - first, is it right, and second, does that make a difference? It's still valid to try to live your life as you believe it fits best.
Just my two cents, there, and best of luck to you,
Titania
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
you raise an interesting point
Why would you "CHOOSE" to become a member of the 'fluffy set' when that makes you more of a target for humans of the masculine persuasion.
Dayna.
Speaking from personal experience......
The only choice that I had was to acknowledge what I am. I did not choose to be the way I am, nor would I if given that choice. What idiot would want to go through the depression, the pain, the torture that I have endured - even inflicted upon myself?
I would not wish this on even my worst enemy. I would not want to inflict being transgendered on even those who I despise.
No, to choose to be this way would simply be insanity. Having said that, I am who I am. My choice was to stop fighting against that - to acknowledge myself as I really am, and in so doing to live. I made the choice to be myself - rather than continue the slow and torturous death that I had been enduring.
I spent over 45 years denying who and what I am. I lived what many would consider to be a full and successful life by pretending to be a man. But that sham, that falsehood took it's toll on me. It slowly sucked the life out of my soul - a fact I fully realized one day when I found myself contemplating the business end of my M1911 Colt.
No, I did not decide to be a woman - but I did decide to live, and to be the person that I have always been inside rather than that which society and my family expected me to be based on my physical body. I chose to create rather than to destroy, to heal rather than to kill, to allow the true me to shine through the erroneous exterior trappings of my so-called life.
Perhaps your sister-in-law should contemplate that.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Stonewalling
No matter how you explain this to her reason will be rebuffed by what ever jiber jaber her mouth can lay a her tounge to. She is defending her emotional ground no reasoning can breach those walls. It would be like trying to win a war with Bugs Bunny, 'a tune gotta do what a toon wants to do.'
The one effective tatic I ever found that works is to melt there hearts with you being the fantastic person you are.
If you ever find another way that works please let me know, be careful though getting a toon mad can realy mess with the local reality perception., I know I had Daffy Duck as a room mate ,once when I was in college, and I still am not 100%.
Bailey's misbehaving Fearie
Huggles
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
They start with the assumption that it's wrong
And look for logic that will justify the assumption.
They talk about people choosing to be transgender, or gay
because if it were in inherent trait it would be from God.
Which of course it can't be, because God says...
Well they THINK they know what God says, and whatever you feel or think or know doesn't matter.
They might be nice people but their thinking is toxic for us if we give it validity.
All this attempting to explain our reality for us reminds me of psychiatry's traditional approach
to women back in the bad old days, (although that was secular and scientific {snicker, snort!} in its reasoning and this is religious). You had a bunch of male experts who would rather weave theories about women's psyches & personalities within the purity of their masculine intellects than accept any input from their female patients themselves. Whatever came out of the mouths of the hopelessly irrational sex was to be analyzed for what it might really mean; but was not ceded any credibility.
That was sexism, perpetrated mostly by men at the expense of women, but transphobia is something both men and women can join in. The self-anointed AUTHENTIC folk defining and controlling those they deem INAUTHENTIC. But it's the same sort of bulllshit; trying to voodoo those they're uncomfortable with into compliance with their tiny worldview, not for our benefit but for that of their comfort, their fears. Which is what really needs analysis, and someday hopefully there will be a cure...
~hugs, and fuck their voodoo psychology; Veronica
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
Tell sister-in-law...
Around my 4th birthday I told my parents, "But I'm a girl". I think it was in the context of boys aren't supposed to wear girl's clothes.
After some almost unremembered parental punishment and abuse from boys down the street (at nursery school? kindergarten?) I would not show anyone my fem side. My family said no one knew about my dressing in my sister's and mom's clothes. I was very afraid of aggressive boys unless they were much younger than I, and male authority figures. I was fearful socially, but gradually became more physically brave. I was mocked and teased for some things, but no one thought I was girlie. I was on the light weight men's (unfortunately) rowing team all 4 years of college, training fall, winter and spring. By my senior year, I was on the 1st (varsity) 8 (oared boat) and rowed against the naval academy and all the big Ivy League schools.
I'm now more likely to descend really fast, on a road bike, on a local mountain on a narrow twisting road, than be in a loud argument in public with big tough-guys (or anyone). I used to do 1/2 Ironman triathlons, before I blew out my knee and couldn't run anymore.
After being turned against, etc. and fired for being trans and having depression problems in the face of lies and harassment, I decided I would be myself (with my girlfriend) and let 'regular' society jump in the lake. I'm not super happy with my choices, but I extremely rarely wear skirts, dresses or make up. No heels in 18 years or so. I (sometimes) compete in masters time-trial bicycle races and train pretty hard most of the time almost every year. My hobby is bicycle building and repair and designing and machining (mainly aluminum) parts for my bikes. The 5 bikes that I ride all have some homemade parts.
Kim and I do most of our home and car maintenance and repairs. We've built exterior (house) walls, a chainlink and sheetmetal roofed chicken coop for 30 birds and I do semi-precision (not that good) wood working like building chicken nesting boxes, workbenches, speaker cabinets, etc. We dykes love hand tools and power tools except we're personally sorta poor and some upper middle class DIY guys have more and nicer tools than we have. I even make some of my metal working tools, in hardened tool steel if necessary.
The way things have gone, I'm not really soft and fluffy anymore.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Maybe
Its as simple as accepting that she and your brother will never understand. You only need to find your happiness in life. Not justify your actions to anyone except your offspring. Being straight isn't a choice. Being gay isn't a choice. How you are born male/female isn't a choice. In some cases the body needs to be corrected to match the brain so they can live in harmony.
Are they still going to badger you after the SRS is completed. Have them read the wonderful Shoes by Heather Rose Brown http://direct.bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/3111/shoes
{{Hugs}}
NO
the answer is NO that is the way you where born , mother nature goofed and put the wrong plumbing on your body
lets mull this over..
Fact when you were little your MOTHER thought you were a bit TOO feminine..
When your were in elementrary you played with girls with barbies... so much so your mom thought she only had a daughter...
A little later your mother's daughter, with no sign of her son, modeled a dress by twirling in front of her..
A policeman said "you did the right thing miss" when you reported some bullys...
Girls were so comfortable around you that they stripped to their lingerie in front of you, and there was no HINT of it being sexual...
Yeah all that BEFORE you decided to transistion...
Your sister in law is full of shit!