By now, you might think that I should no longer be shocked when someone accepts me as a woman without any quibbling, but you'd be wrong.

It will come as no great shock to regular readers of this blog to find out I struggle with feelings of worthlessness at times.

Kinda hit a dry spell, might be a bit before I have another story for you all.

Sorry.

Well, I am one hurting girl.

Well, today is Canadian Thanksgiving, and has become tradition, I will list some of the things I'm thankful for:

For Kyile: Because she has become something precious to me.

Here is an interesting article about the use of trans people as horror movie villains

http://www.autostraddle.com/whos-afraid-of-the-big-bad-trans...

I've worked very hard to become harmless.

There is a writer here, who, despite making some very good stories, has a terrible tendency to put herself down, and say she's not really a writer.

One of the harder parts of this transition is trying to drown out the negative "voices", basically telling me "you have the body of a male, how can you be a girl? How are you ever going to be sure you're not just fooling yourself?"

Thankfully, the conversations I have had with my mom about how I would slip up and act like a girl even before I got raped are helping me.

Bit by bit, day by day, I think I'm getting better.

I like my highs, most of the time.

They beat the heck out of my lows, which are awful.

Well, this morning I was getting ready for church, and decided to try a LBD (That's a little black dress, dont you know).

I spent some time talking with my pastor today, talking about being trans, being a survivor of sexual abuse, where I am now, and my desire to find a way to give back to others for all the help I have been given.

A coupe of interesting things came out of it; first, she wanted to re-assure me that from the first time she met me she found I "radiated a feminine energy" so she had no doubt that I am a girl.

Yesterday I found out on facebook that another trans woman had committed suicide, after I sent my prayers for her family and friends, all I could think of was "That could have been me." See, I'm in the 41 percent of trans people who have made an attempt on their own life, and it can only be described as a miracle that I am still here.

And that would suck, because then I would have missed out on all the amazing things that have started to happen since I started transitioning, and I would have caused grief and pain to the people I love for no good reason.

Here is another poem from Kylie:

I could say I love you as much as the sun is bright
But it is much too dim

I could say I love you as much as the winter is cold
But is much too warm

well, its official. I am scared of my own brain.

I was waiting to pick up my ex at her work, and as sometimes happens, I began to nap.

Some more random thoughts:

struggling with flashbacks all of a sudden. I wonder if there is a connection between being stressed for other reasons and how frequently I relive my rapes?

Well, apparently, my tummy has some firm ideas about what it likes, and cooked lettuce and stringy ham definitely dont make the cut. For the second day in a row, I ended up throwing up my supper because I was trying to eat more healthy.

Not good.

Not good at all....