I had a bit of a frustrating experience yesterday, but as a result I managed to make some progress in dealing with my tendency to have negative self-talk.

What happened was this: I got ready to go to work last night, and somehow managed to lose my keys just before I was set to go. A frantic search with my mom turned up nothing, leaving us both frustrated and upset, but finally there was nothing I could do but take my spare keys and head out.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and she told me I would need to lose a lot of weight before they would give me surgery - something in the order of more than a third of my body weight, which is probably beyond anything I can achieve.

If that's true, it would mean I will have to be able to endure without it, and honestly, I dont know if I'm strong enough ....

But I'll find the strength.

I'll have to.

But you'll pardon me if I hope I get the surgery instead.

Well, today I took my daughter swimming, and it went really well. My female bathing suit didnt cause any problems for her, and she even found some kids to play with.

Feels like a big step forward.

My friend Kylie took a little quiz, and one of the questions (and her answer) was this:

7) Who do you look up to?

My friend Dorothy. I am awed and amazed at her life. Not that she understands why.

I'm awed and amazed that she's awed and amazed.

The above is based on an old song by a group called Garbage, and its about my general attitude in life. I was mentioning the other day to a friend about how ... easy my transition is going, and she said "What? Did you want it to be harder?"

Then in a conversation with my mom, I mentioned about passing, and she said, "maybe you want more attention, and are sorry people arent noticing you, even if that meant they were mean."

I think I've mentioned before that I struggle with the day-to-day stuff, of which shaving is the most difficult for me.

Having a dark beard on white skin that grows faster than anything is a pain, especially when five-o'clock shadow is probably the easiest "tell" out there, but more permanent solutions are beyond my financial reach, so I dont have any choices.

Sometimes, a girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do.

Ah, well.

took my daughter to the fair today, and she had an awesome time. She tried some rides, played some games, got a couple of goofy prizes, and ate really bad-for-you food. It was awesome for her, but I got a little extra gift for me - a caricature of me as a girl fairy.

Its an awesome pic, and if I ever can, I take a photo of it and upload it so you all can see.

Its moments like this that remind me just how blessed I am.

Well, last night was a rough one for me. It started with an uncomfortable feeling in my genital area, which by lunch had progressed to actual pain.

The pain of course caused me a lot of psychological distress to the point that I was hyperventilating, but thank God one of my co-workers seemed to understand why this was so much WORSE for me than for a non trans guy - every painful feeling was a reminder of the part of me I would give anything not to possess at all, and I actually had to repress an urge to take the box-cutting knife I carry and perform some impromptu surgery with it.

had a rather strange moment last night. I went to work a little early, and I decided to read the paper. While reading the sports section I saw a picture of a male swimmer who is going to the Olympics, and I found myself almost unable to tear my eyes away for far longer than what you would expect from someone who has always insisted that my sexual orientation is towards women.

I dont know what to think about this, or what this ultimately means.

Ah, well.

Well, my mother had a long talk with my aunt, and straightened her out in terms of what she wants - That she'll try a bit harder to take care of her health, but she's happy living where she's living, having me as her roommate, and working as long as she's able to.

But what made me proudest was in her conversation she referred to me as Dorothy, her daughter, and used the proper pronouns the whole time.

I'm so blessed to have a mom who gets it like mine.

Well, I came home from helping the ex with the doc's office, when I found out that one of my aunts is trying to gather our family to have me charged with elder abuse and neglect in regards to my mom. But mom is making her own choices in continuing to work and having me live with her. All I can do is have mom state that clearly to my aunt, and hope that's enough to stop this.

Ah, well.

Had a nice day with my daughter yesterday. We took the train to downtown, and strolled around the downtown mall, had lunch, and then came home. I know it doesnt sound terribly exciting, but it made her happy. And I didnt really mind toning down the fem side for the day so she could have the best day possible.

Small things, but they make the world go round, don't they?

Well, over the last two days I've had two very different conversations with two very different men, and I thought I would share them with you.

First, I had a conversation with one of my neighbors, that started with him asking me how I was doing, and when I said I was hanging in there, he said "not for much longer, right?"

Turns out he was talking about my SRS.

So we had a laugh, and a good conversation on the whole subject and I felt very relieved, because I didnt know how he'd react.

Well, today I two moments that felt like feminine milestones, but I reacted quite differently to each of them. First, when I was eating supper, I brushed my arm against my breasts and suddenly felt all sorts of confusing feelings as my body reacted to the contact. I liked it, I was scared of it, and it took my friend Jaci several minutes of talking to me on the phone to restore some semblance of balance.

I have a serious question. Do you LIKE getting erections? Is it supposed to feel good?

Well, I dont. I hate mine with a passion. They hurt. They make it harder to wear the kind of clothes I like. And they are a reminder I am not the person I want to be, need to be, or am inside, depending on your point of view.

Ah, well.

The last couple of days the temp has been above 30 C, with enough humidity in the air to make it feel much hotter. I've been hiding as much as I can, hoping that soon this will pass.

Well, I had my last session at the rape center. We reminisced about the first time I went to her office in female clothes, and how far I've come since then. She also told me to try not to worry about times like I had the other day, its actually a good sign that I was able to get some of that stuff out of me, but maybe I should switch to adult mode when they happen to access the skills I've learned in my sessions.

One day at a time, that's all I can do, right?

I went to Wal-Mart today in my nice new blouse and skirt, and got to chatting with the people on either side of the line up at the pharmacy counter. Then I strolled through a farmer's market, and then stopped on my way home to get a glass of lemonade from a kid's stand. At no point did anyone seem to give me so much as a double take, which once upon a time I would have said was simply impossible for me - there was simply no way I could pass.

Funny how wrong a person can be, isnt it?