well, my ex managed to catch pneumonia, so she'll be very sick for a couple of days. I hope she gets better soon. I may not like how she thinks in terms of my transition, but I dont want her hurt.

Well, last night some co-workers and I were talking, and the subject of sex ed came up. Suddenly, i had something like a flashback of taking sex ed in elementary myself, and realizing for the first time that the equipment I had in my pants wasnt suddenly going to drop off leaving me with a nice girl set. (Until we were taught better, that seemed to be the prevailing opinion on how girls got made) I suddenly remembered being actually sick with grief afterward, but not really knowing why.

Take that for what it is, I guess.

Well, yesterday, I got a gift from a friend that helped pull me out of my depression. I had gone to lunch with her, and talked about my struggles, and she told me I have pretty feminine features and manners.

This is the sort of stuff I need to hold on to when I start feeling like I cant ever pass, or any of the other garbage that runs through my head regularly.

But today, I'm fighting feeling like a failure, a fake, and generally f*ed up.

Sigh.

Just wanted to apologize. The last part of "Here comes the troubleshooter" is being delayed by real life. I need to be in a good mind-set to write, and I don't have it right now. I'm tired, worried, depressed, and would very much like all this crap to subside long enough for me to catch my breath.

Ah, well.

I've been thinking about what the counselor said to me about having some kind of mourning ritual for the things of my past. Obviously, I couldnt do all of them in one go, so the first thing I would need to do is try and separate them out so I can tackle them one at at time. With that in mind, I've created a little grief list, and here it is, in chronological order:

1: my father's death. How do I say goodbye to someone I knew more by their absence than their presence ?

Well, tomorrow is going to be a very, very busy day. I get off work at 7 am, go to counseling, and then go to Sam's birthday party (we're holding it at a bowling alley.) So I probably wont be online. Stay safe, everyone.

I was reading a story that mentioned some things that girls apparently do instinctively, and it set off a round of "TG PMS" where I found myself wondering - do I do those things? Did I do them as a child? And what if I didnt, what does that make me? I'll be okay, it will pass, but it sucks.

I'm kinda stuck in terms of a transition. I cant change my name until I get my birth certificate, and I 'm stuck waiting for the forms. But I'm feeling desperate to feel like I'm making progress, and I dont know what else I can do in the meantime.

Ah, well.

I've noticed that as my body slowly feminizes, I'm getting better in terms of dealing with self-doubt. I feel so much .... lighter now I cant understand why I fought against this for so long. But it hasnt been all sunshine and roses. For example, today I was out walking our dog with my daughter, and had to introduce myself by my male name for my daughter's sake, and I actually choked saying it.

Ah, well.

Well, I managed to slip in the parking lot at work and landed on my back. Got a bit of a headache, now.
Sigh.

Just wanted to give a public thank-you to Tels who took time yesterday to talk to me by phone. Thank you hon.

Well, I managed to hurt my shoulder pulling skids at work last night. I'm starting to worry I'm not up to this job physically, and if I lose it, then what?

I know a lot of people dont like Stephenie Meyer's treatment of vampires in the "Twilight" books, but I'm reading a book by her called "The Host" and its dam good.

I was chatting with my friend Kylie yesterday on IMVU while my daughter was over, and she cuddled up close to me and watched me typing.

She looked at the avi of Kylie, and asked "Is she like you?"

I said, pointing at our avatars, "she's a pretty girl, like I am, see?"

My daughter then said, "No. Is she .... Like you?"

I said Yes, she's a boy on the outside, but a girl on the inside."

She just held on to me, and said nothing.

Does this mean she's getting the idea about me?

I had forgot to mention a little incident that happened between my ex and my mom on Thursday night. They had a open house at the school my daughter will attend next year, and after a presentation, they were supposed to take a tour in small groups starting with the people at the back of the auditorium. My ex, my mom, and my daughter were at the front, but my ex grabbed my daughter and ran to join the first group, leaving my mom behind. Unable to keep up, my mom decided to skip the tour entirely and went to her car to wait.

You know, not that long ago, I would be moaning over my status as being somewhere between male and female. But I seem to have found a kind of peace about where I am right now. Good thing, since this is the level that I will probably be stuck at for the rest of my natural, since surgery is out of my reach.

Sure, it would be nice to be able to go to the pool without being a freak, but that's life.

I'm Dorothy, and I dont need no stinking surgery to know that.