Dorothy Colleen

Insights from a trans meeting

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Yesterday we had a pot-luck at the trans group I belong to, and what happened there opened my eyes a bit. See, there was a new person there, who had just started to come out, and was getting harassed for it at work. But it was her attitude that made an impact. She seemed to be resigned to abuse, and in fact acted like she deserved it. She called herself a "freak", and all I wanted to do was give her a big hug and tell her, "You are not a freak. You are precious, and beautiful."

That's when it really hit me.

How many times have I called myself names?

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"E-Girl" universe

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For those who have read my latest story, and wanted a little background, here you go:

General concept: A long time ago, powerful beings were on Earth, and they were worshiped as gods. When Christianity became the dominant religion, most left Earth, but some stayed. About two years ago, a man called Commander Ares made his debut, and since then about two dozen more people with extraordinary gifts have made an appearance. It seems that most of these are the agents of one god or another, and that there isnt going to end up being more than a handful of these super-beings.

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surviving a tough night

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Well, I managed to live through a pretty tough night. Basically, I managed to lose track of time so I was more than 15 minutes late to go get the ex at her job. She had gone, so I tried the doctor's office she cleans, and the closest bus stops, and didnt see her. Meanwhile, my daughter was trying to help prevent me from beating myself up about it. Finally, I had to take my daughter back home to my mom, and ask her to take her to the ex when the ex called, as I was now late for work.

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Klaatu

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I was thinking the other day about the band Klaatu. I grew up on their music, and I find I miss it even now. I'm not really sure why it spoke to me the way it did, but somehow, it reached me in a way that few other bands have ever managed. Its too bad they didnt have a bigger following, but maybe that was part of the appeal.

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Indestructible

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Indestructible

“Steve Austin, astronaut, a man barely alive...”

You can blame my grandfather for the fact I know that line. Its from a TV show from the dark ages called “The Six Million Dollar Man.” He likes to tell me he worked on the show.

Over and over again.

Somehow, he ended up with a lot of memorabilia from it too. A whole pile of props, mostly examples of the “bionic” parts. He also has copies of all the scripts, and worst of all, copies of film he er... liberated from the set.

learning my lesson

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Well, I'm working on part 8 of "The Dead Kid Returns", and its a good lesson for me. Never again will I post something unless its finished. Its been pulling teeth to try and get this one done, and I'm still not sure what the conclusion is going to look like. So to anyone who has been reading it and has frustrated them, all I can say is "me too."

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starting to think about spring

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I was thinking about spring yesterday. Right now, with a sweater and a coat on every time I go out, I dont have to worry about the wrong person (ie: my ex) noticing the fact that I'm in ladies clothes. Wont be able to do that once it gets warm, so I'm not sure what I'll do.

Ah, well.

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found my glasses, Yay!

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I found my glasses. Somehow,they had fallen behind my bed. So that's better. Last night, I was talking to a co-worker about where I am, and where I hope to be, and it occurred to me that once I have my name change, I'll be as done as I expect to be, since SRS is not a realistic goal. So in one way, I'll never be a full woman.

And that hurts.

Ah, well.

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Phobia

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Phobia

Ever been scared of something?

Not just a little scared, but turn-white-and-faint, heart-caught-in-your-chest and soil-your-pants scared?

I had something I was that scared of as a kid. Something that made The Monster In The Closet or The Thing Under The Bed minor inconveniences in comparison.

It was a girl.

It was THE GIRL.

Not that SHE looked scary, or creepy, but just the fact SHE existed at all.

Because SHE was inside my head, always after me to let HER out.

BIG NEWS!

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Well, last night, before I went to work, my mom let me know that my ex mentioned reading my letter when she dropped off Sam after having her for the day. Mom said that my ex's only comment was, "Well, he'll always be Todd to me." If that's the wost that comes out of this, its a pretty darn good result.

Then, I got to work, and my supervisor passed on a compliment from the day staff in the fashion department . He said they had said, "Can we keep her?" So that made me feel pretty good.

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Had a nice lunch with a friend

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Just got back from lunch with a friend from the local trans support group. It was really nice, especially when they said I'm more feminine than most of the other members, some of whom have already transitioned fully.

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A cry in the dark

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A Cry in the Dark

Author's note. This is a sequel to "You", and has some tough emotional moments, including the allusion to a sexual assault. Read with care.

It was quiet in the hospital, with only the soft sounds of the machines to keep the girl in the bed company. Once in a while a nurse would come in, but otherwise, the girl had no visitors. This gave the girl a chance to think, especially about how she ended up here.

It started with one tragic fact. Although she knew she was a girl, to the people around her, she appeared to be a boy.

a productive day

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Well, despite still fighting the flu, I had a productive day. I got my laundry done, and took my bottles to be recycled. I took the money I got from that and spent some on getting my hair done, which was a nice experience for me since I asked them to do a more feminine style, and they had no issue with it. Again, the amazing tolerance of Canadians comes through.

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Amazing amounts of progress

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Had a peek at some of my old entries, and I find it almost impossible to believe how far I've come in such a short time. If I was writing my life as a fiction story, everyone would say "oh, come on now! That's just not realistic!" But its actually happening, and its been almost .... easy? Like all I really had to do was just .... decide to live, to be the real me, and everything would start falling into place? I'd pinch myself, but if this is a dream, I dont want to wake up....

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The Dead Kid Returns - Chapter 7: "I think I'm a girl."

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The Dead Kid Returns; Chapter 7: “I think I’m a girl”

“I think I’m a girl.”

Beth debated how to respond to that. Should she act surprised? But that felt wrong, so she said, “I’ve... seen her in you.”

“You mean .... I’m not crazy?”

“I wouldnt say that....” Beth then looked at the expression on the new kid’s face. “I’m joking. You’re not crazy. I’ve seen her.”

“Really? But .... what do I do?”

“I .... I dont know. But I want to be your friend, regardless.”

“Thanks.” the new kid said, and then they both became silent.

okay, so this is weird

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Okay, so this is a little weird. I'm on my way home this morning, and the song "Lose Yourself" comes on, and I just start crying, tears running down my cheeks as the song plays. I mean, I know I'm a bit more emotional than normal, but I hadnt expected that. Anybody else have a song that makes them cry for no good reason?

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Writing tough stuff

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Sometimes, I get the urge to write dark stuff, but on occasion, I worry about causing people here pain. For example, I've been noodling a sequel to "You" where we see what happened to cause this act of vengeance. But it would be hard to tell it without some real darkness that might upset some people. Opinions?

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a question of Identity

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Well, my little link about TG kids seems to have produced some interesting responses, the one everyone is talking about is the person who seems to feel disappointed that we are not all a bunch of sissy masochists. In honor of him, I wanted to produce a list of questions that would generate some anecdotal evidence that we who are transgendered actually do exist, and my own answers.

1: When did you first notice a gender variance in yourself? My memories are hazy, but my best recollection puts it just before my sexual assault, so that would be about 7 years old.

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out of bad, good

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Well, something good came out of the comment my mom made at breakfast. I got a very supportive comment from my brother when I posted about it on face book, and here it is:

"To become something new the old must pass away. This is not really a bad thing. Those of us who love you, loved you as who you were, as who you are, and as who you will be. From your point of view "The Todd is dead, long live the Dot"."

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a good cry makes me feel better?

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Well, it feels like I passed a milestone, and it was a painful as passing a kidney stone. I went to bed, called my dog to join me, and holding on to her soft fur, I wept freely, and for some reason, kept repeating how sorry I was. Now, I think I'm a little better for it. As odd as it sounds, it feels like I accomplished something important by being able to do this.

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Come so far, but so far to go

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I've kinda reached a place where I'm being forced to choose between moving forward and risking what I've already accomplished. See, the next steps are kinda tricky - I have to somehow navigate the ex, change my name, and then I'll be as close as I think I can come as surgery is not likely. But the risks are high too, I flop it with the ex and I worry I'll be tempted to just go back into the closet until I die. I think that's why I've been delaying putting my name change in high gear, much less confront the ex. But standing still isnt much of a option, at least not for long. Ah, well.

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Happy anniversary to The Rev. Anam Chara

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I just wanted to take a second, and wish a Happy anniversary to my friend and fellow believer, The Rev. Anam Chara, who passed the two year mark here while the site was down. I'm so glad you came to this place, and I wish you many, many more years of bringing us your particular take on things.

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Last Entry

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This one is pretty intense. Reader discretion is advised.

Last Entry

Well, it looks like this is it. Nobody is coming, or at least not in time to save me. The end of the line, as they say.

I’m gonna die.

Dont know why I’m writing this down. Nobody will find it, even if there is anybody left. But I want to, because that’s what I did my whole life - write.

snow storm leads to car problems.

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Well, I was going to work last night from the trans group Christmas dinner when a massive snow storm hit. I thought I was doing pretty well when disaster hit - the car in front of me span out of control, ending up sideways across two lanes of traffic. At this point I felt like I had three options: I could aim for the concrete barrier to the right of me, the raised island to the left of me, or I could just hit the breaks and hope. I touched the breaks, knew I was going to slide, and so aimed for the island.

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