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There are times when I question this strange thing I am, because in all honesty, it doesnt seem to make a lot of sense to me. I mean, intersex people, that kinda makes sense, and you can get tests done and know you belong to that category. But me, my fem side is literally only in my head, and short of an autopsy when I die, there isnt any way to be 100 % sure I 'm not just crazy.,
Ah, well.
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Actually
It doesn't take an autopsy any more. The different brain structures can be imaged in vivo.
To be painfully honest ...
I was quite effeminate while I was playing the role of a man. I always felt I deserved an Oscar; thought the girl side was all in my head; thought I was just a sexual deviant pervert. Hyper Masculinity is often one of the traits of a T person, and I had a dose of it, wow did I. I was reckless and wild, but now I see it as a suppressed death wish.
When I saw women in pretty dresses and such, I got so jealous; a fact that I carefully covered up with lewd comments. Here I was just trying to be Christian, a devout one, and I had this dark side to me. Fantasy eventually began to overshadow my life. I'd dress and masturbate. It got really bad and I decided I'd get castrated to control the annoying, humiliating drive. Unfortunately, I got caught dressed before that could happen. Then later got hauled off to the psych ward before it all blew up in my face.
Once they inject you with that shit it all just comes tumbling out; you can't stop it no matter how hard you try. It was a great relief to have it all over and done with actually. I was a sex addict and knew it. That's why I wanted the castration. I was also extremely pissed that I was not physically a woman. I hated men and it was humiliating being one of the enemy. I wanted to die for a long time after I made that admission.
Like so many others, I too have traveled the pain road; know what it is like.
Lately I realize that a simple divorce could have handled it. I was with a woman who wanted a 6'5" John Wayne, but she got a 5'7" little shit whose arms turned to jelly in a fight. I was a very GOOD man, but she wanted a red neck, chewing, abusive bastard. I could have made it as an effeminate man who was very gentle.
Well there have been no successful "Addadicktomy" operations and I pass much better as a woman than I ever did as a man. It is hard to learn just to be yourself. It is hard to not try to be what everyone else wants.
Nowdays, I finally depended on the Atonement, finally calmed down; stopped practicing self hate, yeilded to God, and am free to be sweet, loving, kind, charitable, and have people around me who love me. Sometimes I wonder what kind of drugs they are on? Sometimes I feel that no one in their right mind could love me.
Now, I am just relaxing, learning to be sweet, smiling a lot ...
Don't give up the struggle.
Gwendolyn
Dear Dot,
Some don't like this approach, but....
You pretty obviously have a female structured brain. I think pretty much all M2Fs do, too. The brain is the largest sex organ. Try having sex with out it! (sorry) You also, I guess, have some male parts. I'd say that one with both wimyn's and men's sex organs is intersexed!
Since you are probably seeing a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist, this professional can tell you that you are not crazy! Tens of thousands of M2Fs around the world are (mostly) not crazy, either.
Your boy bits can be changed. I'm sorry the process is so long, involved and expensive, but your brain can't be changed. I think transitioning makes a whole lot of sense. It is the only way to relieve Gender Dysphoria.
You sound like you went into a less self-confident dip. I don't know what works best for you, but you could do things to make yourself happy or strengthen your belief in the correctness of the path you're on or increase your self-confidence or get involved in something else so you don't have time to dwell on your fears, etc., etc.
Just think, if you can do any of those things you could write a story about doing that or even write a self-help book! "Make a million for you overnight." (Beatles; Paperback Writer)
Cheers! We all Love You! You are worth the effort! Be Happy and Brave!
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee